We love the feeling of being in love. That ticklish sense in your stomach. That involuntary smiles. That "I-love-this-day-because-I-am-with-you" moments. Yeah, we all love that feeling. But what happens after the butterflies go away? After the fireworks fade into thin air? After everything went from slowmo to no more? What happens after goodbye?
You wake up one morning to an empty inbox. No good morning texts. No I love you's. No nothing. You stare blankly at the last message you sent her six months ago. That's it. End of conversation. You roll to the other side of the bed, still with phone at hand. You kept re-reading the message, thinking about what she could have felt when she read that. You know she was hurt but you have to do it. You have to let her go because keeping her would hurt her more and you don't want that.
You roll over and stared at the ceiling with thousands of thoughts cascading in your head. Why didn't you fight for her? Why did you leave her? Does she deserve that? Was this supposed to happen to both of you? No. It wasn't supposed to happen because you promised her a forever, the kind that happens in fairytales. The kind where the prince charming carries away his princess as they ride off to the sunset. The kind where it all ends with a kiss. The kind with the "happily ever after". But I guess that's just it. Your love story is no fairytale.
You looked at your phone and scrolled through some photos. You two looked happy there and you wished you could time travel back to the good old days when she was yours and you were hers. You felt that familiar pang in your chest. You hate that feeling. Admit it or not, you love her up until now, six months ago after you left her crying. You know in yourself that you do. You love her so much that you can't afford to see her eyes filled with pain and tears because of you. That's why you let her go because you know she will be happier without you. She's one heck of a gal. You know she can be happy without you.
You got up, stared at the mirror in front of you and went back to bed again. You drown yourself in regret and misery. You miss her. Oh let me rephrase that. You want her. You want to hold her close when she's filled with insecurity. You want to play with her hair until she falls asleep in your arms. You want to kiss her under the night sky and whisper to her how beautiful she looks in her messy hair and pajamas. You want to make her feel special because she's a princess. She's your princess.
But a lot of things have changed. A lot had happened. You left her. How could you? How could you leave her hanging? How could you break the heart of the girl you loved the most? How could you steal her heart then leave it shattered on the floor? How could you? But you did. You knew she was fragile but you still chose to break her. You broke her and it's also breaking your heart at the mere thought of you breaking her. But still, you have to leave her. You have to leave her not because you don't love her anymore but because you really really do. You love her so much that you have to set her free. You love her so much that you want to keep her away from the things that would harm her. And this time, it is you who have the power to do so. You and your complicated thoughts and doubts. You and your cowardness. You and your inability to fight for her and take the risk. That's why you left her because she doesn't deserve a man like you.
I'm not blaming you though. The world is against you, I know. Nobody wants the two of you together. Nobody wants the idea of both of you being a couple. You find yourself torn between fighting for her or letting her go. You chose the latter. No matter how much you want to keep her, you don't have enough courage to do so. You're afraid to fight against the odds. But what more could you do? The more you want to make things work, the complicated they get. You love her and she loves you but it wasn't that simple.
I know it hurts you to push her away, to push away the girl you dreamed your future with. But no matter how much you want to be with her, you can't. You simply just can't. So you just set her free. I know you love her. You love her so much that you have to set her free to save her from the misery she might go through when the world tries to separate the two of you.
You want her to be happy because you love her. You want the best for her and you know you will never be the best guy for her. You have to let her go and let her find another happiness. Happiness in the arms of the man who is not as coward as you are. The one guy who will be willing to risk it all for her. The one guy who deserves her. Sadly, you're not that one lucky guy.
She's happy now. She's happy being alone. You taught her to stand for herself and heal herself on her own. She's now stronger than before, stronger and more ready to face anything. Then someday, she will become the perfect girl for that perfect guy. You could have been that perfect guy. You should have tried. She was worth it.
