The Fire Within

Chapter One

It was a gloomy day that had me shivering, teeth-rattling as a result. I could yell, I could cry because my emotions were in charge of me. Being bipolar affected my life more than I could ever describe to anyone. This was and is my life which is embarrassing as hell. I am not in charge and the only thing that helps a little bit is medication. But, as I said only a little bit not too effective for me though.

After I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I thought my life was over as one with bipolar would assume, but it wasn't. There are difficulties of course but I manage them day by day. One thing that did change was that my friends slowly drifted away from me and I think it was because of my diagnosis. I have not been able to attend public school as I would have meltdowns which would distract from the learning. Sorry that I am a distraction, I can't help it, so that is why I am homeschooled. My life has been like this ever since freshman year of high school and now I am a senior.

I have had my ups and downs, especially with my dad being gone for long periods of time as he is in the military overseas. It is difficult when he is the parent that was the most helpful with my bipolar. Not that my mom isn't helpful, but my dad he understands what I am going through as he has had depression from being away from his family and trauma from war. I'd say that I wish that this never happened to me, but this makes me who I am, and that's something pretty damn special.

My mom signed me up for this boy's and girl's group where all the people are dealing with something hard. For me, it is having my emotions change from one thing to the next in a matter of seconds. That is something hard because it is uncontrollable, and I wish that I could stop being sad or angry for no given reason.

I drag my legs out of bed as if I were a robot programmed for the day. This is how most of my days go and today is a little different because of this new group I am starting. My life is usually the same old, same old, but today I have an added stressor. I am scared because I won't know anyone and that I could have a breakdown in front of these people that are struggling just like me. If I had a crystal ball to see how my day would go I don't think that would benefit me any because things change, and I am the most unpredictable person there is.

My mom knocks quickly on my door but she never waits for my response. It is so annoying and if she thought she was trying not to cause any more problems she would be wrong. The thing with me is I get upset for unknown reasons, as do most people with bipolar. But when I do have a reason it is much worse for me and the people around me.

As she enters I make a dramatic, "Ugh!" sound so she understands I am frustrated. Does this ever help the situation? No, but maybe eventually she will get the idea to stop doing what is annoying me so badly.

"Sterling, are you ready to go to group?" she asks. Am I ready? No, I am not ready, but will I ever be? Probably not. "I still got to shower, mom," I reply.

She hands me a bottle of water with my medications and I take them as I do every single morning. My mom stays in my room for my shower because I need to leave the bathroom door open a crack. The reason this is in place is a lot of times I have wanted to hurt myself and this is where I would go to contemplate doing it. My mom worries about me and she has every right to. I know that I think thoughts of wanting to hurt myself. I would never act on them though.

The cold water coming down on me is my favorite part of the shower as it wakes me up for the day. I enjoy showering as I have a bunch of different scented soaps that I get to choose from. Smelling good is always something I strive for because it shows good hygiene.

Once the water is off I wrap myself in a towel and I know mom has left because I hear the door go shut. She always leaves after my shower to give me privacy to get changed. Somethings my mom does makes sense to me because she understands that I am still a teenager and I need my own space.