The Fire Within

Chapter Two

 The sun shines through my curtains, and I am ready to conquer the day. Forrest has not left my mind since yesterday, and I am ready for my plan to kick ass. He will see the part of who I am, and I assume this will take a while, but it is worth it; he's worth it.

I sit up and stretch, my arms reaching behind my head, connecting. That felt great, so I grab my phone to check my notifications. The only thing I realize is that I am up early today, the time is 9:00 a.m., and I think that I am usually up at 10. My mom will probably not barge in yet, so I take this to my advantage and start getting ready for the day.

The shower water pours into the tub, and I let the water warm up. Leaving the bathroom door a crack open so my mom knows I am not doing anything to harm myself. She gets so overwhelmed, and there's no reason to blame her because I have attempted to hurt myself before. I have always changed my mind because I don't want to not live anymore. I have so much to live for, and I need to open my eyes to see that. I always need to live life to the fullest, and I know that if I killed myself at only eighteen years old, I wouldn't have actually lived.

I don't want to hurt myself, but sometimes my brain tells me something so impulsive. An impulsive decision that screams at me in my mind to do something I don't want to do. The water pours over my head as I get into the shower, and it feels refreshing. My thoughts are all over the place since I am nervous about going about my plan today.

I use my favorite shampoo and conditioner to smell nice and fresh. I come out of the shower and walk into my room so that I can get ready for the group. Now that I know there is someone I want to try and impress, I decided to get dressed in one of my favorite outfits to feel more confident. This outfit is a baby blue dress that only sparkles in the light, and it's my favorite because dad and I would go out together, just him and me. That's what I wear, so it reminds me of him when he is away fighting for our country.

I throw the towel, wrapping my hair, onto the ground after pulling the dress over my head. I go into the bathroom to do my makeup and hair, so I feel good about myself today. Mom comes into my room like always, and this time she didn't even knock.

"Sterling, I am surprised to see you up and ready for the day. Were making progress each and everyday. Aren't we?"

"Yeah, I guess mom. Does this look ok? I think it does but I need another opinion."

"Of course honey, you look gorgeous!"

"Thanks."

She exits the room, and I get started on some of my school work. I start with English as I enjoy that class the most. English helps me to express my feelings and emotions as I write what is going on in my life down on paper. Yeah, some stuff is personal, and that's why I just scratch the surface with what I want to talk about and not give too much information. Right now, in this class, we are working on researching a topic that we find important to us that could have two sides to an argument.

I chose to write about suicide and how it can happen to anyone even when it is least expected. My mental health has caused the thought of suicide in my head as sometimes I don't belong. I explained why I chose this topic by saying that I have been hospitalized before, and it's scary not knowing what others will think of me. I have to admit that uncertainty about who you are and what others will think of you comes way before talking to someone. Some parents are attentive, and others just don't recognize their child's struggles. The problem here is that some people notice their friends struggling without them even saying anything, but sometimes it's not as easy as that. A person can hide their feelings so well that you believe the person is all great, but not because they are putting on a different emotion because they are scared. Scared to show others that, at this moment, they have a weakness that could potentially be held against them.