His Fate

Chapter 11: Why?

"Do you know who brought me here?" He was hesitant "I did" "thank you very much" I hugged him. It felt good that he was here. The thing is he hugged me back, may have held back for a second or two, but he hugged me back afterward. I don't know but it was like a switch, I turned it and something happened, emotions began to wander throughout my heart and mind. "What happened to you?" "I panicked" I made things up "I get panic attacks" "I'm sorry" he whispered "no, it's not from you. They come randomly, I was in a dark street and thought I was lost. But if you weren't there, I literally would've died"

The problem was I already liked him. I don't know why, but I don't know. Sometimes he's nice and I see something in his eyes that I literally want to reach for, but what makes me not want to, is that he's my boss, that's a first and he's just bipolar like he can be git all of a sudden.

A wonderful git though. Like he may be so nice and caring and after a minute he makes fun of me and is mean. He is mean, I remembered my crush, the one from school. I can't fall for him. What he did yesterday reminded me of school, the fight we had, Mr. Pierce and I.

I can't have a relationship with someone, anyone. I can't deal with heartbreak again. I don't want to deal with heartbreak again. Not only did I experience anorexia and bulimia because of bullying but I also experienced it because of the people around me, the boy I liked bullied me. He bullied me because of how I looked. 

I don't want to get heartbroken and be played with and I don't want to be the cause of anyone's heartbreak. What if I die? It's not a question though, it's a statement. If I die I would break someone's heart. 

Of course, I can't compare a 13-year-old with a 24-year-old. I get it, people my age may be looking for that love. I myself am looking for that kind of love but I'm scared. I'm scared he would break me, my heart is already shattered. You can't break it more than it is. All I wanted in life was a home, and a Christmas tree mom, dad, and I did. I wanted to cuddle with him on the couch in front of the chimney. Cuddle with a him, a man that loves me. I want a love like my parents.

 If they weren't dead they would've told me what to do. Hell, I wouldn't have even been here. I wouldn't have known how dirty my uncle was. I want peace, just peace even if it meant that death was going to give me peace. Just throw it at me. I don't want anything more, I may have experienced the want to get the first kiss in the rain or a hug that makes you feel warm, or be in a relationship. I may have not experienced all that and regret not experiencing that but no problem I just want to go home. Where my parents are. Why is death the only way out?

I was in my house, I closed the door and slid down across it. I curled up and cried. I put my hands on my face and burst into tears. "Why?" I screamed, "why?" I yelled out loud "why did you leave me?" I said looking up. 

"Ha?" I got up "if you didn't leave me, mom wouldn't be dead. I wouldn't have discovered that your brother is an asshole." I sobbed "I wouldn't have moved towns, I wouldn't have lost Harry or come here. To this fucking damn city." I cried. 

"I wouldn't have taken this job, or met him. I wouldn't have fought with him, or liked him or loved him." I said "I love you daddy, but it wasn't my fault first. It wasn't my fault I lost weight or had operations done on me or had fucking asthma." I took a deep breath "and I know that when I go to work tomorrow we're going to fight. He's bipolar daddy. Mommy, why did you leave me? If you didn't leave I would've" I cried trying to catch my breath "I would've," that's the last thing I remember I said.

I got up the next morning and saw myself on the floor, Munchkin was sleeping on me, I smiled knowing she's the only one I have here in America.