i do what i can to not make a sound as i walk down the hallway. i curse as the floor creaks and stop myself to wait to find out if you've heard me.
i hurry to my room and close the door, but not all the way because you never like that. i climb into my queen size bed but do what i can to take up the least amount of space i can.
i eat my dinner while you're out with my brother, then clean up to make sure i don't leave a trace. i wonder if i'll run into you today, i miss when you would work at the office instead of be home all of the time.
i make myself invisible to you most of the time, unless it's offering to get you something when i leave. i wish it'd cross your mind to do the same because i have learned to never ask.
i listen to you when you need someone, it's almost like we're friends as you complain and never take an ounce of the advice i offer. your relationship problems, problems with my brother, problems with my father, problems at work. no matter how many times i tell you i don't think i should be the one hearing some of these things, it never stops. i listen to all of them as i continue to make myself smaller and go against what i know to be right.
i don't like when you're upset, because then you get angry at me for what someone else has done. i don't like when you drink because you get angry over anything. i wonder if i'm the closest person, but know my brother would get any amount of your anger if that was true.
yet you parade my name around to others. saying i have done well for myself, that you're proud of me. the only times i have heard those words fall out of your mouth is as i pass by your conversation. sometimes it feels true.
i try to show kindness, something you've never done for me. i try to be forgiving, something you've never been to me. i know i would never raise my arm, let alone hit a child, once again something you've never stopped yourself from doing to me.
you've taught me how to hate myself though. your mistakes and others are my fault. every feeling i have is wrong and never justified. i'm dramatic. i'm selfish. i'm a bitch.
i am heartbroken, but refuse to show it until i know you won't walk in to see me. when it's late at night or when i can hide myself behind a locked bathroom door for just long enough before it gets suspicious.
i am isolated as i try to work through everything you've done to me. i would never have put a speck of dirt on your name, even though that's all you've ever done to me. i act like we're normal in front of others too.
i wonder what it's like to love your mom. to truly feel happy to see her. to miss her, even. i don't think i ever have. i feel scared most of the time, if not worried. maybe i will say the wrong thing and set her off, maybe i'll stay downstairs for too long. maybe i won't be out of the house enough. maybe i'll be gone too much (although she only seems to mind that if it's my brother gone too long).
i don't think i ever got the chance to love her because she was so quick to never have loved me. at least once i became someone she didn't want me to be. i think she loved me when i was a kid, maybe. she was gone enough on work trips maybe she didn't feel like she needed to.
she hates herself. i see it everyday. she hates how she looks, how stupid people are at work, how her family life has been in shambles long before i came along. i wonder if it is easier to place that hatred on me than to face the truth? if it's better to place all of your regrets, problems, and trauma onto your daughter so you can go out and have a good time with your son.
i wonder what you believe selfish is? is it me? i believed for a long time that it was and that's why i convinced myself not to get upset when my birthday present was something my brother wanted and something i clearly stated i didn't. that's why i stopped asking for things when you went to the store or out to eat with my brother and conveniently never asked me to tag along. that's why i never got upset you didn't make me dinner or offer to buy my breakfast on big days but you'd ask my brother "just because." then forget to mention it to me even though i could hear you ask him for a couple doors down.
i don't complain when you leave for a week or more and leave me with the all of the animals to take care of. i don't complain when you leave for an entire day anytime you get the chance to do something more fun and i have to look after the dog all day. i don't complain when you don't ask me to do your chores for you and then get mad if i had any other plans. i know it won't change anything, it's my problem as you walk out of the door anyway.
i stopped yelling at you and begging you to stop talking shit about me when i could hear you. vile things you would say about me no matter if i was 9 or 19. i stopped asking because you never listened. i would cry and beg you to stop while you took the opportunity to scream at me and tell me "it wasn't a big deal" and throwing more insults at me.
i think if i had a different mother i wouldn't be so cold. maybe i would care for myself more. maybe i would have the drive you always tell me i lack. maybe i would be someone that you like.
