**Exhales a steady breath of smoke**
I never once claimed to know what I'm doing to the point of absolute certainty, but I always try to make the best decisions in the moment based on what makes sense to me, and stick with those decisions.
**Phone vibrating in my pocket**
I don't know why - she or - anyone else is looking to me for some kind of answer to all this, I just want to numb the frustrations of a long day and relax with a beer.
**Pulls and exhales another draw**
I met Tiana about a year after Shan discovered Aniqka's unmentionable, and again! in retrospect none of this was worth it. The pleasure with her only lasted during the having of it, but I never bothered to be bothered by anything other that fiendish itch when I can't get it.
Now, I knew that Tiana was grown, and regardless of any concerns regarding her reasoning ability I'd never bothered to learn the exact age. We had been 'plutonic' friends for a while until it got sexual, which was an inevitability given the psychosexual energies at play.
**Realizing the beer bottle is empty**
She gnawed at that part of me that grew up without a stable maternal figure in my life, and as you can imagine I was smitten with an unhealthy attraction to that comfortable bossum.
**Signals the bartender for a another beer**
You know, it's funny... Tiana's the reason I started drinking again is whenever we would steal away to do the do, liquor would always be involved.
It was an unhealthy dynamic, me did sure she did tye me... Muss be! cause even when me know seh me a play wid fire! me still dweet.
I don't deserve this, this way too much karma at once. Even after trying to distance myself at one point only lasted so long. Me mean seh, me even style and dodge the woman fi months! and still manage to find me way back in her bed.
**Suchman begs for a light**
Aahh boy... Not even the most sappy story I could manage as an excuse right now is not convincing me that I'm not on borrowed time.
Like I said, I tried... I really did. I got a scare about a year back and that's where I tried to stop hooking up with Tiana as much as I could. I even deleted her number, though I didn't block her or anything, and would just pretend I lost her number.
Apart of me wanted to keep that... that soft spot still within reach, just in case - In case I forgot that I has a relationship, a life I was fighting for.
**Puffs and drinks another mouthful**
Yeah, me don't know why me so fool... I mean I have to be, Tiana was not even half as mature and cultured as my Shan, yet still this weakness... this rahtid weakness. Tiana was just older, maybe that was the edge.
Tiana was one of those unfortunates that had life rough enough from the jump. An unprivileged childhood and an unplanned pregnancy at 20 years old, with her continued failed attempts at keeping a man in her life; she was a 30 year old single mother with very little prospects and an exhausted frustration with having to go at life with no really support.
One thing led to another and we got sexual, another thing led to another and eventually being just friends without the sex was not enough.
**Pulls a draw**
Do you think I have some mommy issues or something? Ha! Funny, as though any self-realization right now would matter.
You know even if it's not really my child she's carrying, I know her enough not to put it pass her that she's stupid enough to throw shade at Shan someway somehow.
**Pulls the last puff, and finishes the bottle**
To tell you the truth, I never stopped trying to fill that guilty pleasure position, even as I distanced myself from Tiana...
...and this one and that one here and there.
Unfortunately, my small circle of "acquaintances" mixed with the right woman seeming to always be able to find me at the wrong time... and Aniqka did just that.
**Phone Vibrating in my pocket**
Me wonder if a Shan this... wonder if she reach home by now.
**Pulls out phone and unlocks screen**
**ALERT!!**
19 New messages 2 Chats
Tiana(work)
"Twaine! Ansa the phone"
"Me gonna hv to do everything myself"
😠As always"
"Ansa the call!!" 7:12PM
+1 876 353 4729
"😭😭😭 Where you gone?"
"I can't do this by myself"
"Antwaine plz"
"Where you gone"
"Can you go with me to the doc?"
"Call me when you get this please" 7:16PM
5 Missed Call
Shan 💍
4 Tiana(work)
Dangles
"Jah kno star"
"Look how me did a warn u bredda"
"No u say u did stop deal with niqka"
"Shan mus mad out ya now"
"How u fi go breed niqka after u done fuck up n breed Tiana" 7:18PM
.....
Calling...Shan💍
**Walks off into the night to find what comes next**
