Eight Years

Eight years ago

I love him.

I love every single thing about Jaxon Maverick. I love him with all of my heart, my soul, my whole being.

When I'm not with him, my body aches for his touch, and my heart aches to just be close to him. To just have him there with me.

—

Many people think of graduation as one of the best days of their lives. High school is left behind, and there's this whole new world out there to be discovered. New adventures, new possibilities. A new life.

But this is possibly the worst day of my life. The deadline is here.

I barely got any sleep last night. It was a struggle to get out of bed this morning. I didn't get any food down, even though I was hungry.

I can't see my life without him anymore. I can't see myself living anywhere else than by his side.

But my one and only condition was that it ends when we graduate. It ends today. Whatever happens, it ends now.

Diplomas in hand, I walk with my friends possibly for the last time through the hallways of our school. It feels weird, not real. It feels just like any other Friday, leaving the school, but coming back on Monday to sit in class with everyone.

"Let's get some pictures under our tree," Amy says, her arm hooked around mine as we exit the double doors and step outside. Our group follows, my ex-teammates holding onto each other's hands while the guys howl with their diplomas held high in the air.

"Our" tree stands on the school yard, it's where we hung out on free periods, or when we ate lunch outside to enjoy the nice weather. It's where we came to on holidays and weekends just to hang out with the group when we didn't want to go to Jack's.

Erika's mom takes a camera out of her purse as we gather under the tree, arms over each other's shoulders, trying to squeeze everyone in the picture. Everyone's smiling and laughing.

I feel Jaxon's presence right behind me, making my heart warm and butterflies flutter in my stomach. I love you, my heart screams, repeating the words my mouth is too afraid to speak.

I don't turn to look at him. I don't turn to smile at him. I don't turn to congratulate him. I keep acting as if he isn't here at all, I'm not ready to face the end yet.

I haven't spoken to him today at all, besides answering to his text in the morning, when he asked if I wanted him to pick me up from my house so we could come to school together. I told him that Amy was at my house and would take me, we'd see each other at school.

A hand slides down my arm until it reaches my palm, and covers it. His thumb brushes over the back of my hand as his breath hits the back of my head. My eyes close, a deep breath leaving my lungs.

I love you, Jaxon.

All I want to do right now is turn, and throw my arms around him. Press my lips to his and hold him to me. Tell him that I never want to leave him, he's all that I want anymore. My hands shake with the need to hold him, tears blurring my vision.

This was supposed to be a happy day, goddammit!

The group starts to scatter to go to their families. I stay there as he holds my hand. I never want to let go.

Amy points me to her mother, and Tara waves at me with a smile. "You look beautiful, honey!" she shouts from across the yard. Then her eyes land on Jaxon behind me. "You gotta bring that boyfriend by our house sometime!"

I just smile back, fighting with everything I have in me to hold everything in and not break down right now.

Across the street my mom gets out of her car, followed by dad and my little brother. She sees me, waves, and starts walking into our direction, the rest of my family following.

Dad kisses her cheek and takes her hand in his, while Justin walks next to them, admiring the toy airplane in his hands. His hair is sticking out in every direction, and the little suit that mom somehow got him to wear, is all out of place. The jacket is hanging from the crook of his arm, a couple buttons missing from his shirt, which has been pulled out of his pants.

But still, he looks absolutely adorable.

I make a move to go to them, but Jaxon's hand tightens around mine. "We need to talk," he says, his other hand brushing my shoulder.

Turning around, I meet his eyes, the green in them my favorite color in the whole damn world. I swallow around the lump in my throat. "Okay," I whisper before turning my head to look at my family over my shoulder. "I'll be there in a few," I tell them.

Jax starts pulling me into the other direction, past all the people here, past the stairs where we used to sit together while making out. He takes me around a corner of the school building, where we can be alone and without anyone around to listen.

He stops, his back facing me, and brings his hands to his face. "The deal," he says, dropping his shoulders as he looks down at the ground. "The deadline. We don't have to follow them. Nothing's actually forcing us to end it today."

I touch his back with my hand while a bang hits my heart. It's really happening. "Jax—"

Quickly, he turns around and takes my face in his hands, holding my gaze while searching my eyes for something. "You don't have to break up with me, Barry. I promise we'll make it work in the fall, I won't be a distraction to you."

I cover his hands on my cheeks with mine, and close my eyes, leaning into his touch. "I can't, Jax. I have to focus on school. I  want to make my dreams come true. And for that to happen, I have to focus on one thing; achieving my goals."

"I'll help you," he whispers, his thumb brushing over my cheekbone. "I'll help you to do all that. Whatever it takes, baby."

Pulling his hands off my face, I drop them and turn around. I can't look at him. "I can't. Some things I just have to do on my own, Jaxon." We've been doing everything together the past two months, spending every second with each other.

It's exhausting and suffocating to do everything with the same person, even as much as I care about him and love him. I need my own space and time, too. I need to do my own things for a change.

Without him. Without having him around twenty-four seven to help me.

"I love you, Barry."

My breathing stops as my heart shatters and drops to the ground, leaving only a void in its place. He loves me. The same words that break my heart, also put it back together and make it race again. I love you, Barry.

"Say something."

Tears run down my face as I stare at the grass beneath my feet. My shoulders shake with a silent sob. I don't think I've ever hated myself more than I do right now.

But I made myself a promise over a year ago. I have to focus on studying, so that maybe one day, I can achieve all my dreams. And I owe myself that, I have to try.

I turn around and place my hand on his cheek, reaching up to kiss the other one. "I'm sorry, baby," I whisper against his mouth, more tears falling, ruining my makeup.

He grips my wrist in his hand to keep mine on his cheek. "I know you love me, too. I know it, Barry," he whispers on my lips. "Don't do this. Please, I'm begging you, don't do this."

His mouth covers mine, his arms snaking around my waist to hold me to him. His tongue moves over mine, telling me he loves me. His fingers draw little circles on my back, telling me to never let him go. His heart beats against my chest, begging me to stay.

My lips leave his, telling him that I have to go.

"Don't do this. I love you," he says at my back as I start walking away from him. "I fucking love you, Emaline!"

I'm sorry, baby.

But I have to.

I love you.