I thought I was done writing about you...
It's been ages since I put any coherent thoughts together in a blank piece of paper. Most days my attempts fall through, leaving me in the dark once again to wrestle with my demons, feeling like an absolute fraud for even trying to write again. But there you are, haunting once more when I sleep at night and back again when I wake. For years, I have tried to figure out what exactly is it that I feel about you, or what I don't feel; what's real and what my mind has conjured up as a nice piece of fiction. Then again, they say that the two are very similar but never actually touch. The conclusion is that I don't really know for certain anymore.
There are moments in which I drift away in thought, wondering what life would have been if you had given me a second glance; what magic would that be, to wake up in the mornings next to you, kissing your back, breakfast in bed, plotting adventures for the foreseeable future. But soon after, the dream fades into nothingness, just brief moments of happiness once again passing me by, never to return, embracing yet again the cold, hard reality of a meaningless existence.
There's that word again: future, such an uncertain concept, cloudy, frightening. Some people are happily welcome the future with open arms, not knowing what's to come next but me? No. Call me pessimistic, call me realistic, but I have a hard time wanting to embrace anything that doesn't include you in it. My attempts at connection are worthless and brief. I am just about done chasing after anything and anybody. They are not you.
I embrace this life of isolation, people don't understand it, people criticize me for it, but it really doesn't matter what they think. I am undoubtedly paying for past sins and that is just fine. Just know, that your image is still burned into my heart and soul. Believe me, I have prayed many nights for that image to disappear, but it is in vain. Someone up there wants to make sure I bleed just a bit more. If this is my penance, so be it. They say it can't rain all the time, I guess that will have to do.
