Faith

Hard to Let Go of the Past

Sawyer’s large hands roamed over her back, caressing her like he couldn’t get enough, pulling her closer into his embrace.  Ariana's heart thumped harder inside her chest as he trailed kisses down the line of her jaw to that sensitive spot by her ear, her name barely a rasp on his lips as her fingers smoothed the hair at the nape of his neck.  Ariana was dwarfed by Sawyer’s stature: he was tall and broad-shouldered, his body a mass of hard muscles, but Sawyer was so gentle with her.  Although, when she’d witnessed him and Duke scrapping on the porch over the future of the ranch, she was just sick about it...  His temper had scared her.  But she couldn’t imagine him ever hurting her...?  He’d shown her nothing but kindness, and she was falling for him.  Hard.  God, she could feel her heart soar every time she laid eyes on the handsome cowboy...  But she was consumed by her own fear.  She didn’t trust her own judgement anymore: she’d gotten it so wrong before.  Ariana was terrified of letting herself be vulnerable, of allowing herself to get hurt again...
Sawyer’s forehead rested against Ariana's as he looked deep into her light green eyes; she was exactly what he had been missing in his life.  He’d been so busy working on the ranch that he’d barely even noticed that love was passing him by, and then as if by fate she broke down...  It just felt like Ariana was too good to be true: she was funny, but brave, and sweet, and shy, and so beautiful...  He was crazy about her if truth be told, but he just wasn’t sure she felt the same way...  They had these beautiful, special moments together like he’d never experienced with any girl before.  She would let him hold her hand, and oh, when they kissed?  Sawyer swore that the whole world was ablaze.  But then he would get this sense that she was pulling away from him... It felt like she didn’t want to let him get any closer to her, and it hurt him damnit...  Did she care about him the way he did for her?  He was confused by how she seemed to blow hot and cold with him.  He knew there must be an explanation, and he reckoned that it was that she wasn’t looking for something serious and was trying to be kind because she could sense how he felt about her... 
Ariana reached out and cradled Sawyer’s cheek, stroking her thumb against his stubble as he leaned into her touch.  She smiled her half-nervous little smile at him, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth as he gazed intently at her.  Without breaking the gaze, Ariana stretched up to place a tender kiss against Sawyers now smiling lips.  Every inch of her body ached with want for him to sweep her into his arms and make her feel like she was his girl, she tried to pour all she wanted to say into her kiss because how could she start to explain to him why it was such a big deal to her, to open her heart to him, to share her bed with him?  How do you start the conversation about your ex, about how he ripped your heart out, about how he slept with countless other girls like you meant nothing to him, about how controlling he was, and about how you finally left when he raised his hands to you...?
Sawyer deepened the kiss, full of passion, his hands gripped gently on Ariana's curvy hips as he drank her in; her taste, her scent...  He felt her sigh into him, her body pressing against him.  His fingers ran smoothly up Ariana's sides, rounding the curves of her soft breasts, feeling her stiffen although she continued to kiss him...  Sawyer squinted one eye open at Ariana as he pulled away from her, a thick drawl enquiring, “Ari, is this ok?” 
Ariana felt rooted to the spot, inside, she wanted him so badly, but she just couldn’t. She was trembling and her eyes were hot, stinging...  “Sawyer, would you just hold me tonight?”  She dropped her head to avoid his concerned look, the whispered words, “Absolutely Ariana, anything you want.” meant more than Sawyer could possibly know. 
She felt a flood of relief wash over her as Sawyer kicked off his boots, leaning back against the headboard, patting his shoulder for Ariana to rest her head against, “Lay your head here, we can snuggle and talk all night if you’d like Ariana...”
Ariana slipped off her black ballet pumps and tentatively positioned herself beside Sawyer, curling her body against him in the space he’d made for her, one muscular arm behind her, her head leaning against his chest as she squeezed her eyes tight shut to stop the tears that were still threatening.  She could feel the steady, comforting beat of Sawyer’s heart beneath his black and red checkered shirt, the warmth of his body penetrating hers.  She exhaled deeply as she felt his large hand tenderly stroking her hair: Ariana pondered if he was really ok about her once again not wanting to take things any further, or if he was just too much of a gentleman to show that he was getting bored of waiting... 
Sawyer absentmindedly twisted a lock of Ariana's coffee-coloured hair around his thick fingers, lost in his thoughts.  She’d looked so uncomfortable a few moments ago, but he didn’t know what to do or say.  He’d hoped she would maybe tell him what was wrong, or what she was feeling when they scooted down onto the comfortable pillows together, but she wasn’t saying anything...  Sawyer felt like he had to speak to clear the heavy silence filling the room, his voice low, his words full of thought, “Ari?  You know I care about you, a lot more than I probably should given we haven’t known each other for very long...  And... And...  well I think you already know that I want us to be more than friends...  But Ari, I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you aren’t interested in me as more than a friend, you don’t owe me anything, just because you’re staying here...  I’d hate if you felt like you ‘had to’ do something you didn’t want to.  If you don’t feel the same way, you can tell me...”
Ariana shifted to look at Sawyer, she watched his head drop dejectedly as he finished his speech.  Her mouth fell open and closed a few times: was that really what he thought?  Shaking her head profusely as she sat up properly to face him, she reached her petite hand out to stroke his cheek,
“Sawyer...  Sawyer, look at me...” 
Sawyer’s eyes flicked up to meet Ariana's and her heart felt like it stopped in that second, green eyes so earnest and warm and caring, “Sawyer I...”  The tears that had been threatening for some time saw their moment and took their chance to break free, spilling down her cheeks as she tried to find the words, “Sawyer I don’t feel beholden to you, I care about you, an awful lot.  And I do want to be more than just friends, I haven’t felt this way since...  I just...  There’s just a lot you don’t know about me, Sawyer, and I wouldn’t know how to begin to explain.” 
Sawyer watched Ariana carefully as she made a futile attempt to smudge her tears away with the back of her hand; she looked so small and broken, and he didn’t want to press her, but what did she mean?  He reached out, taking her dainty hand in his own,  using his other hand to smooth her curls as he pulled her close to his chest, whispering, “You’re ok Ari, I’ve got you darlin’...  You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to....” as her sobs rang out around the bedroom. 
After a few minutes, Ariana had composed herself enough to try to share some of her most unpleasant memories with Sawyer, she started shakily, “Well I was in a relationship with a guy before I left Boston Sawyer, his name was Sean.  We broke up not so long before I left...”
—-
“Hey Ariana.  How do you manage to look so damn fine in that apron?”
Ariana felt herself flush as she grinned down at Sean Devenney, grinning at her.  He was two years above her in school and he was devilishly handsome, jet black hair, pale blue eyes and a smile that could charm the bird off the trees: why the hell was he talking to her?? 
She shyly fiddled with her necklace as she approached to take his order, “Hi Sean...”
After he’d ordered his cheeseburger and fries, Ariana walked back to the kitchen and melted as she told her friend Louise how he smiled at her, and how she couldn’t believe that he knew her name...  Louise was swift to point out that it was printed on Ariana's badge, but Ariana didn’t care...  She was in love. 
—-
“We started dating when I was sixteen.” Ariana continued. 
She could see Sawyer doing the maths, “Big relationship huh?” 
Ariana gave a hollow-sounding laugh, “Hmmm.  You could say that.” 
Sawyer smiled at her, “First love?” 
Ariana nodded sadly, “Always thought he’d be my only love...  But it’s strange how things work out...”
—-
Ariana ran outside and jumped into Sean’s beat up old Cadillac, pressing a kiss to his lips as he greeted her.  They been dating for over a year now and Ariana knew her parents didn’t approve, but hell, she didn’t care.  She loved Sean with everything that she was and everything that she had.  That night they were headed to one of Sean’s cousin’s houses for a party, it was beginning to get really tedious that they couldn’t go to bars together because Ariana still wasn’t old enough, another few months to go Ariana thought to herself... 
They got to Matt’s place and shared a few drinks, laughing and chatting with mutual friends, until Anna Sullivan appeared, flicking her long dark hair and pouting at Sean from across the room.  Ariana stiffened as the tall brunette eventually approached, she was friends was Matt’s girlfriend, and it wasn’t the first time she’d had the audacity to flirt with Sean right in front of Ariana... 
“Heyyy Sean...  Hello Ariana.” 
Sean swigged at his beer, nodding to Anna in acknowledgment as Ariana smiled tersely at her,
“Nice to see you Anna.” 
Anna simpered, then purred at Ariana as she ran a finger down the ruffle on the neckline of Ariana's top, a wicked smile dancing on her  glossy pink lips, “Your top is just so pretty Ariana, I wish I could wear something like that, but I just can’t with these...”. Anna’s big brown eyes flashed as she gestured at her very ample bust, pressing her enormous plastic cleavage together. 
Ariana swallowed at the backhanded compliment - she wasn’t particularly confident about her body despite having the perfect curves - but she stuck her chin out as she retorted, “Yes it must be difficult Annie, I’d never be able to go running with plastic boobs like yours, I’m so glad I don’t have to worry about that...”
Anna arched a perfectly-groomed eyebrow at Ariana as she placed one hand on Sean’s forearm, her fingertips circling, teasing at the bare skin beneath, “You know, I see you running sometimes
Ariana, over in Dorchester Park?  I was just telling Sean that at JJ’s Bar the other night...” 
Ariana suddenly felt like someone had kicked her in the stomach.  Sean hadn’t mentioned that he’d been at JJ’s recently, or that he’d bumped into Anna Sullivan...  Why?  What was she implying?
Sean gripped Ariana's upper arm tightly as he navigated her toward the deck, hissing behind him, “Annie...” 
Ariana's eyes were stinging and the rush of blood audible...  She could feel Sean’s hand on the small of her back, guiding her out to the deck.  Her heart quickened as she turned to him once the were alone in the corner, “What was that all about Sean?” 
Sean shrugged and made a ‘pfft?’ sound as Ariana heard her own voice started to waiver, “Sean...?” 
—-
Sawyer shook his head at Ariana as she told him about the night she discovered that Sean had been messing around with Anna Sullivan behind her back. 
Ariana raked her hair back as she sighed, “I was heartbroken...  He was my first boyfriend and I couldn’t believe that he’d cheated.  He’s still only guy I’ve ever been with Sawyer; I thought we were special.  And God, I know that probably makes me sound really stupid...”
Sawyer cupped Ariana's cheek and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead, “Ari...  It doesn’t make you sound stupid at all...  You’re sweet and you’re beautiful; any damn guy with half a brain would be falling over himself to be with you...”. 
Ariana smiled shyly, “Thank you Sawyer...”
Sawyer twirled a strand of Ariana's hair as he gazed into her shining eyes, “No need.  Sean was clearly an idiot.” 
—-
“Ariana!  Ariana!  Sean’s on the phone for you! Again!”  Ariana's mom had her hand over the receiver as she yelled upstairs. 
Ariana shouted back, “I don’t want to speak to him Mom!  We’re over!  Tell him to go fu- Tell him to stop calling!” 
Ariana hadn’t told her mom why she and Sean had split up, despite both her parents trying to get the truth about why she was so upset out of her.  Ariana layed on her bed staring at the ceiling, hugging a stuffed bear.  How could he have slept with Anna Sullivan?  She was so trashy, so obvious; Ariana bet that half the boys in South Boston had been with her.  Hell, was that what Sean wanted?  Someone who dressed in tight little outfits leaving nothing to the imagination and spoke in innuendo?  When they’d argued out on Matt’s deck, he’d tried to downplay the whole thing: he was drunk, Anna meant nothing to him, it was only a fumble in the alley behind JJ’s...  Ariana was overreacting, she was still his number one girl...  He couldn’t understand why she was making such a big deal about it...  Ariana blinked her tears away, right now she hated Sean Devenney, but inside she loved him so much she didn’t know how she could ever move on.
—-
Sawyer shifted closer to Ariana, hugging her tightly.  He cleared his throat as he tentatively asked her, “You said that you broke up not long before leaving Boston though, right...?” 
Ariana nodded, “As ridiculous as it sounds, yeah, I got back with him.”  She muttered, “I know, I know...” watching Sawyers face as he grimaced, “You really loved him, huh?”
Ariana's head dropped as she nodded softly, “Yep.  And I believed him when he apologised and said he’d never go near another girl again...  It took about three weeks before I would even speak to him.  He was calling constantly, turning up at my house, at school, at my job...  He was ringing my friends to ask them to help get me talk to him...”
Sawyer scowled, “He ground you down?” 
Ariana half-laughed, “That, plus I loved him and I wanted to believe he was sorry...  It started off kinda shaky, it took me a while to let him anywhere near me, I just kept picturing him with Anna anytime he kissed me...  But eventually, I got past that and we were happy again.  He finished school and got a job with his uncle, so when he asked me to get a place together, I said yes.” 
Sawyer nodded quietly.  At twenty-four, he’d never had a relationship that lasted any real length of time.  Probably his high school sweetheart Mandy was the longest, maybe a year and a bit?  But he knew it was winding down when she was applying to colleges out-of-state while he intended on staying on at Oakley Ranch...  She was travelling in Europe last he’d heard...  Since Mandy, he’d had a few flings but nothing serious; he’d fooled around with a couple of farmhands who’d since moved on, a few fangirls on the rodeo circuit, and Curly’s cute cousin Samantha when she’d been in town last summer...  He was still living that one down, damn girl had shared more personal information than he was comfortable with afterwards; Curly had been teasing him pretty much ever
since... 
—-
“Do you have to go out tonight, Ariana?”  Sean had his arms wrapped around her from behind, his lips finding the sensitive spot on her neck as she tried to fasten her earring.
Ariana leaned into his muscular arms as she breathed in his aftershave, “The girls are expecting me Sean, the table’s booked and paid for...” It was her college Christmas night out, a bunch of the girls on her course we’re heading downtown for dinner, drinks and dancing. 
“Baby you look so beautiful tonight...  I don’t want to let you out that door...”
Ariana giggled, “Sean...!” 
She’d made a real effort tonight, a gorgeous red dress that skimmed her shapely thighs, black sparkly heels, a black clip holding her hair back in a loose chignon. 
Sean kissed her neck, pulling her a little closer to him, “Don’t go out baby...  stay here with me tonight...  We’ll watch a movie, have some wine...”
Ariana bit her lip, “Sean I can’t let the girls down...” 
In that split second his face went from a charming smile to a stoney stare, “Fine, forget it.  Go out, have fun.” 
He stepped away from Ariana, leaving her bare and cold, missing the heat of his embrace, “Sean?
Don’t be like that? I can’t just cancel at the last minute...” 
Sean sniffed at her, “Who are these friends anyway?  Who are you dressing up to impress Ariana?
Short skirt like that?  Face full of makeup?” 
Ariana felt her face colour as she tugged awkwardly at the hem of her dress.  Was it too short?  She reached out to put a hand on Sean’s shoulder but he shrugged her away, “Sean, I-“
Her eyes filled with tears as he shoved past her, stomping off to the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. 
Ariana sat at the end of the table the evening with a false smile on her face as the others laughed and joked around her.  After dinner she made her excuses about a headache and flagged a cab home to their small apartment on the corner of Preble Street and Dorchester Avenue.  She climbed the stairs, keys in hand.  The apartment was silent and Sean was nowhere to be found.  So he wasn’t speaking to her, and for what?  A night out that she hadn’t even enjoyed...  Ariana pulled her earrings out and dropped them on the coffee table as she kicked her shoes off, curling her feet underneath her on the cream leather sofa as she started to cry.
—-
Sawyer frowned, “So Sean didn’t trust you, because of his own shitty standards?” 
Ariana nodded, “But I didn’t see that at the time.  I loved him, and I didn’t want to fight with him.  So when the girls asked me to go out, I usually just made an excuse...  After a while they didn’t ask anymore.”
Sawyer pinched the bridge of his nose as he shook his head, “Ari...”
—-
Sean rolled in the door at almost 3am, loud and careless.  Ariana was in bed already, she’d come off a close shift at the diner and had written half of her college assignment when she got back. She’d tried Sean’s phone a few times as 1am came and went, then eventually went to bed-half worried, half annoyed.  He came into the bedroom tripping and cursing as he went. 
Ariana flipped the nightlight on, “Sean, what in...?” 
He was piss-drunk again. He drank too much, too often for Ariana's liking, but he accused her of nagging when she said anything. 
Sean approached her with a big smile on his face, “There’s my special girl...”
He swayed as he leaned across to kiss her.  Ariana pecked his lips chastely; he smelled like a distillery.
He chuckled as he moved closer to kiss her again, “You call that a kiss, Ariana?” 
Ariana smiled a half-smile and kissed him again, lingering a little longer, “Sean, it’s 3am...” 
Sean chuckled again as he kicked off his shoes and pants, flopping down beside her, “Baby I’ve been thinking about you all night...” 
He pressed himself close to Ariana as she tried not to noticeably shrink away from him, pawing at her for what couldn’t have been anymore than thirty seconds before he was snoring. 
The next morning, Sean was still dead to the world but Ariana was up and getting ready for college.  She picked up Sean’s jacket and pants from the bedroom floor.  Placing the jacket on a coat hanger, she rummaged through the pockets of the pants, removing loose change and his keys before she threw them in the washing basket.  It was then she found it: a condom wrapper.  She felt her stomach lurch and her heart thump.  They were a committed couple, she was on the Pill: whoever he’d used that condom with, it wasn’t her. 
—
Sawyers mouth fell open, “Oh Ari...”
She shook her head, “Please don’t look at me like that Sawyer...  I feel so embarrassed.” 
Sawyer took her small hand in his, squeezing it gently, “How could he treat you like that? After you forgave him?” 
Ariana snorted quietly, “It wasn’t the last time Sawyer.  I believed him when we argued about it, when he said it that if he was happy with his lot at home, if I was any good, he wouldn’t be tempted when other women offered it up to him...  He made me feel like it was my fault.” 
Sawyer balled his fists as he took a deep breath, “That asshole...” 
Ariana shook her head firmly, “Sawyer...  I should have walked out long before I eventually did...  But I just couldn’t see it.  There were some days he was the perfect boyfriend, and I loved him so much and we were so so happy together.  But then there was this, undercurrent, that I just never learned to see coming...”
Sawyer looked deep into Ariana's green eyes, almost scared to ask, “Darlin’, what finally made you leave?”
—
Ariana sat on the floor of the lounge with her little cat Charlie in her lap.  Her soft green hoodie was wrapped around her tightly as she twiddled at the diamond ring on her finger; Sean’s ring.  Her eyes were raw from crying as she waited for Sean to appear home.  They’d fought so much lately, she wanted him to straighten his act out and get a proper job.  Ariana wasn’t an idiot, she was working a part time job in a diner and going to teacher training college, he was essentially an errand-boy for his Uncle: they certainly weren’t making the rent with legitimate clean money... 
Her folks were constantly trying to get her to come home, they could see how unhappy she was, but she was too ashamed to admit how bad things actually were, and she lacked the confidence to be without Sean, how would she manage without him? 
She recalled the conversation with her father at the weekend.
“Ariana, is everything ok, with you and Sean I mean?”
“Everything’s fine Dad.”
Jamal Omari recoiled, almost imperceptibly, at the sharp tone in his twenty year-old daughter’s voice, it very clearly indicated ‘Butt out, Dad.’ 
Ariana hadn’t been herself lately and he had a sinking feeling it had everything to do with her boyfriend.  She’d been swooning over Sean since she was sixteen and he’d been none too happy about it, given that the boy was two years older than his youngest child and came from a family with a less-than-squeaky-clean reputation.  But as Ariana's mother had repeatedly told him,
‘The more you tell her she can’t see him, Jamal?  The more interesting he becomes...  Let it play out, I know teenage girls, she’ll get bored once the novelty wears off.’
He’d grudgingly agreed with his wife to do things her way: Louise was rarely wrong.  But it hadn’t worked, Ariana had become increasingly infatuated with Sean.  And now here they were. 
“Ariana you look unhappy, I wouldn’t be a great dad if I didn’t notice, would I?  I know your mother usually speaks to you about this kind of stuff, but...  Ariana it’s never to late to come home, your room will always be there, sweetheart.”
Ariana shifted uncomfortably, looking at her shoes, “Daddy...  Everything’s fine.  Please don’t worry about me, it’s my final year, I’m just stressed with college, Sean and I are trying to make wedding plans...  It’s just, a lot right now...”
But Jamal was worried.  His girl wasn’t herself.  She was painfully thin.  Her smile had disappeared.  She was now engaged to that cretin Devenney, and from what he’d heard from his buddy Tommy in the police department, Sean was getting involved in increasingly shady dealings with this Uncle Johnny, the local precinct just hadn’t been able to make anything stick to either of them so far, but any time he tried to broach it with Ariana, the shutters came down.  Try as he may, Jamal couldn’t see a happy ending to this.  He was just thankful that his girl was still in school at this point...
Ariana snuggled her face against Charlie’s soft fur.  Sean was pushing to start a family as soon as the wedding was over.  Ariana loved kids, and God knows she wanted a little baby of her own, but right now?  She’d another year left at college, she wanted to get a teaching job and maybe be there for a year before she even thought about babies of her own, and taking time off work...  She tried to explain that to Sean, but he couldn’t (or wouldn’t) understand what the issue was, in a roundabout way he made her feel like she didn’t really love him if she didn’t want to start trying for a baby on their wedding night...
She heard Sean’s keys in the door,  she stood up, wiping her eyes and nose with a tissue, shooing Charlie into the kitchen.  When he came through the door, she knew he’d been drinking.  Again.  Ariana sucked in a deep breath as she enquired frostily, “Sean, where have you been?  I had dinner ready for you about four hours ago...  I mean it’s in the oven, but it’s probably ruined...” 
Sean’s lip curled up as he looked at Ariana, “boo, fucking hoo, Ariana.  That’s all I get from you.  The other boys get home and their women are happy to see them, but nooooo, not you!!  I don’t know why I put up with this bullshit...” 
Ariana stepped towards him, reaching her hand out to touch his face:  is that what he really thought of her?  “Sean, I- I - of course I’m pleased to see you, I was just worried...” 
Sean gripped her wrist in his hand before it touched him, squeezing, hard, “You were worried??  With all your ‘studies’ I wouldn’t even have thought you’d have noticed that I wasn’t here?  You think you’re better than me, don’t you Ariana?  Fucking ‘writing’!” 
Ariana tried to pull her hand back, “Sean!  Ow!  You’re hurting me!  Please, you’re hurting me!!” 
Sean let go of her small wrist with a push, storming off to get another beer out of the fridge, as Ariana sat on the edge of the sofa rubbing her wrist, it was bright red with half moons where Sean’s nails had dug into her tan skin.  She was shivering:  what the hell just happened?
—-
Sawyer took Ariana's small hand, lifting it, cradling her wrist in his hands as he examined it, silently pressing soft kisses to it as tears started to roll down her pretty face, ‘What kind of lowlife treats a woman, his fiancée no-less, like that?’
He couldn’t get his head around it. Ariana was so smart and funny.  She was so kind and enthusiastic in everything she did, how could anyone treat her like that, make her feel less than she was?  He looked at her with a heavy heart, “That was the night you left?” 
Ariana buried her face in her hands, “No...  The next day he apologised Sawyer, he cried; I never saw Sean cry, not even when his mother died...  He cried like a baby when I packed my bag to go back to my mom and dad’s place...   He literally clung to my legs, said he couldn’t live without me, loved me more than anything...  He promised it would never ever happen again....  I felt sorry for him...”
Sawyer shook his head, incredulous, “You stayed?  After he put his hands on you Ari?” 
Ariana wiped her tears with her free hand as she nodded, “I left when it happened again...  It was about three months later, one of Sean’s friends had seen me in the local grocery store talking to my cousin Bobby.  He didn’t believe it wasn’t some other guy that I was seeing behind his back.  Sawyer, I would never have did that, despite everything, I hope you believe that...  We had a blistering argument about it, he grabbed my hair and pinned me to the wall.  He screamed in my face that I was nothing but a dirty whore and a slut... Slapping me across the face..  His hand was on my throat Sawyer...”
Sawyer pulled Ariana into his broad chest, kissing her hair over and over, enveloping her in his strong arms.  He wanted more than anything else right now to protect her: from her ex, from her tortured memories. 
Ariana continued, “I was so scared.  I thought he was going to strangle me.  He was so angry I truly thought he was really going to kill me.  I was struggling to get his hands off me, and I lashed out and scratched his face, thats when he hit my head against the wall and stalked out.  I scrabbled around and threw my college books and some clothes into a hold-all, put Charlie in a carry-cage and waited in the street for my daddy to come get me.  I never went back to the apartment, Sawyer.  I finished college a few weeks later and as soon as I had my degree certificate in my hand a couple of months later, I just wanted to get out of Boston.  Sean was ringing and showing up at the house the whole time. My dad even called the police...  I needed a fresh start Sawyer; I had to get away.” 
Sawyer let out a low whistle, “Jesus, Ariana...  I don’t know what to say...”
Ariana sniffed as she nuzzled her face against his shoulder, “You don’t have to say anything Sawyer...  I just wanted you to understand why I’m so reluctant to, well, to get that close to someone again.  It’s not that I don’t care about you, or that I don’t want to be with you, because I really do...  But I’m just...  Scared.” 
Ariana let out a big sigh as she let the weight of what she’d shared with Sawyer settle in the dimly lit room. 
Sawyer’s eyes glistened as he glanced down at the pretty, brave girl wrapped in his arms, “You don’t ever have to be scared with me Ariana.  I swear, I’d rather die than lay a finger on you.  You’re amazing; you should be with someone who tells you that, who does everything they can to see you smile...  I’ll be here Ari, as long as it takes for you to be comfortable and see that you can trust me.  Darlin’, if you want me to be your man, I’m yours whenever you’re ready...”
After the Snow Storm
After they'd herded all the stray cattle to safety, they stood huddled together, shielded by the horses as the snowflakes whipped all around them, Ariana pressed herself close to Sawyer, so close that she could feel the beating of his heart.  She shivered in her thin sweater.  She hadn't brought any particularly heavy clothes when she left Boston:  heading to the West Coast she hadn't supposed that she'd have a lot of use for them in the short term.  Once she got settled, her folks were going to box up the rest of her stuff and UPS it to her...  God knows she could have used her big padded parka with the furry hood right about now... 
Sawyer wrapped his arms tighter around her as her teeth started to chatter, "Ari, darlin' you're frozen stiff..." 
He pulled off the jacket that'd he'd tossed over his flannel shirt before they headed out chasing after the stray cattle, throwing it around her, ignoring the biting cold that clutched at him as the landing snowflakes soaked through the fabric and onto his skin.  Sawyer looked down at Ari and couldn't help but grin; she was dwarfed by his big coat, her face pale and her nose red with the cold.  She was adorable. 
Ariana smiled up at Sawyer, an inquisitive look on her face, "What is it?" 
He opened his mouth to say something, but no words came, so he closed it again. 
Ariana laughed nervously, "Sawyer?" 
The tall cowboy just shook his head at her, smiled softly and pulled her close, resting his chin on top of her head.  Sawyer closed his eyes and inhaled deeply; Ariana knew he cared about her, but she didn't know just how much she meant to him, he longed to tell her, but he was afraid of coming on too strong.  She'd been through a lot and he wasn't sure that blurting out all the thoughts running around inside his head was the right thing to do... ---
Finally, after what seemed like an age, the snow turned from a bleak blizzard to a gentle flurry.  Reluctantly Sawyer let go of Ariana's petite frame and helped her back onto Ebony Star before jumping on his own horse to head back towards the warmth of the farmhouse.  The ride only took a few minutes but the only thing that Ariana could think about was getting off those sodden, stonecold denims that clung to her hips and weighed a tonne, standing under the scalding hot showerhead until she was thoroughly defrosted and felt human again. 
After waving goodbye to Curly and Juliette and thanking them for their help in capturing the stray cattle, Ariana and Sawyer finally entered the house. 
Sawyer brushed some snow off Ariana's shoulders as he instructed softly, "You go shower first, Ari." 
She smiled sweetly as she peeled off his big coat and handed it back to him, "Thank you so much for letting me borrow this, Sawyer.  I think I'd have turned into a Popsicle if it weren't for this!" 
He chuckled as he looked her up and down, "Darlin'  I think you're already half way there!  Now, go on!"   
Ariana giggled as she reached up on her toes, her hand pressed to Sawyer's cheek as she gave him a quick but heartfelt kiss close to his mouth before heading off to shower.  Sawyer stood there watching the sway of her hips longingly as she walked away, shivering in his soaked-through clothes, his heart pounding and the spot where her soft palm and rosy lips had touched tingling.
Sawyer was startled from his reverie by Brooklynne's hand suddenly on his arm, "Wow Uncle
Sawyer you're absolutely soaked to the skin!  Shouldn't you be upstairs getting changed??" 
He ruffed Brook's hair as he answered, "I let Ariana go up first." 
Brooklynne grinned intuitively, wiser than her years, "And you gave her your coat out there too...
That's pretty chivalrous Uncle Sawyer..." 
Raising an eyebrow at his niece and setting his damp stetson on her head, he laughed, "There's nothing wrong with being a gentleman, Brooklynne...  You should remember that..." 
The pretty teenager tipped the hat to a jaunty angle as she pouted and shot him a pointed look, "Why don't you take Ariana out, Uncle Sawyer, on a proper date, I mean?  Not just ranch stuff.  Go to dinner, buy her flowers,  take her to see a movie?" 
Sawyer blew out a breath he didn't realise he was holding as he ran a hand through his hair, "I would love to...  But, things are just a little bit more complicated than that Brook..." 
Shaking her head, Brooklynne disparaged his argument, "You are so happy when you're with her
Uncle Sawyer, it's obvious - your whole face, like, lights up when A.G. comes into the room.
How complicated can it be...?" 
Sawyer reached over and pulled the brim of the stetson down to hide Brooklynne's entire face as he changed the subject, "Hot Chocolate.  Do you want one, Cupid?"         
---
Ariana reappeared a few short moments later wearing fluffy slipper boots and the t-shirt Sawyer had given her to use as a nightshirt the first day she arrived at the ranch.  His heart skipped a beat as he looked at her:  her delicately flushed face, her silky, freshly-washed hair, her thick legs poking out the bottom of the over-sized T... 
She smiled at him as she inquired, "Ooh, is that hot chocolate I smell?!" 
Sawyer handed her a mug and gestured upstairs, "Enjoy!  I'll be back in five..."
As he peeled the clinging fabric from his cold body and stepped into the heat of the shower, Sawyer felt suddenly quite overwhelmed.  He wasn't sure if it was the steam, him being hard, the hard hot spray pounding against  his back, or if it was the scent of the shampoo remaining in the bathroom from the gorgeous girl sat in his kitchen drinking hot chocolate...  He leaned back against the tiles, allowing the water to massage and soothe his aching body. 
Maybe Brooklynne was right...  He closed his eyes, picturing what an actual date with Ariana would be like...  He imagined holding her hand over a table, downing a few drinks, laughing and chatting over dinner.  Sawyer's heart raced as he pictured her pretty smile and her Green eyes, shyly peering up at him from under her long lashes as he complimented her.  He imagined wrapping his arm around her slim waist as they waited in the queue for popcorn at the local cinema, her snuggling against his shoulder as the opening credits came up. 
Sawyer shook his head, turning his face into the hot water as he tried to shake the image of pulling
Ariana's flush to his body, his hand in her hair, lips meshed together at the end of the evening...
---
As Sawyer rejoined the girls downstairs and poured himself a mug of chocolate, he shot Brooklynne a wilting glance as she stood in the middle of the kitchen, giving an Oscar-winning performance, stretching and yawning, "Urgh.  I am literally soooo exhausted.  I think I could sleep for a whole year!!  I'm off to bed now, but you should stay and have another hot chocolate with Uncle Sawyer, A.G." 
Ariana smiled at her, looking slightly concerned, "I hope you're not coming down with something, sleep well luv..." 
Brooklynne flashed a bright white smile at Sawyer as she exited the kitchen, pointing at Ariana and widening her eyes at him, as though to say,
'Do it!!  Ask her to go on a date with you!!  Or I'll do it for you!!' 
He discretely shooed her away with his hand before giving Ariana a fresh mug of rich, warm chocolate with a couple of mini-marshmallows floating on top, drawing up a chair beside her. 
Ariana bit her lip as she started, "Thank you for looking after me out there, Sawyer.  I was getting pretty scared til you found me." 
Sawyer reached out and touched her hand, "You know I would never let anything bad happen to you.  Ariana..." 
As Sawyer suddenly clammed up, Ariana stroked her fingers gently across the back of his hand, she caught his eye, asking without words, what he wanted to say.  Sawyer cleared his throat and suggested they find a more comfortable seat in the lounge.
Relaxing into the soft cushions, Sawyer positioned himself so that he was turned towards Ariana.  She curled her legs up underneath her and cradled the piping hot mug close to her chest, breathing in the sweet, comforting aroma.  Sawyer's hand rested across the back of the sofa, close enough to gently twiddle Ariana's soft coffee-coloured tresses as they chatted.  He could feel himself being drawn into her light green eyes as they chatted for what seemed like minutes, but also like hours. 
They discussed all of their hopes and dreams that evening:  when Ariana talked about always having wanted to be a writer, her eyes danced in a  way Sawyer had never seen before.  Ariana had such a warm way about her, Sawyer could imagine her having exactly the right temperament for writing books: fair, motivating, but above all, she was creative and smart.  She made time to talk to his niece, and she never talked at her, or talked down to her...  That's probably why Brooklynne liked her so much...
Sawyer felt a strange melancholy settle over him as their conversation continued, the things that Ariana desired weren't unusual.  In fact, they were pretty damned ordinary, normal and attainable: she wanted to be happy, to do a job that she was passionate about, and to have a family of her own some day.  She deserved to be so blissfully happy after the shit she'd gone through with her ex...  And there was something inside Sawyer that told him that his mission from here on out was to give the wonderful girl in front of him everything that her heart desired.  He wanted to be the reason for the smile on her face...
Sawyer had told Ariana about how he really wanted to make a go of things on the ranch, and how he wanted to get back into rodeo properly.  He wanted to feel the thrill of competition again, the County Fair had proven that to him; for him there was nothing like it.  The buzz of being in that ring, the roar of the crowd, the all-consuming strain against his body, forcing himself to hold on just a little longer:  to win, to be the best.  His eyes smiled as he added that he hoped he would be lucky enough to have all of that as well as eventually finding what his dad had been lucky enough to find:  a loving wife and a couple of kids...
A loaded silence feel between them, as they gazed upon each other.  Unspoken words bubbling below the surface...
Sawyer ached for Ariana.  He'd told her he wanted to be more than friends the night she'd told him about Sean, but the more he got to know her, the more infatuated he became, this was no longer just a girl that a romantic notion for... 
More than anything he wanted to say the words to her,
‘Ari, I have never felt the way that you make me feel.  I have to tell you darlin', that I am crazy about you.  And I know this is all too quick, and I'm terrified of scaring you away Ariana, but I feel like we were meant to end up here.  I was meant to find you broken down on that highway, Ariana...  I have fallen so hard in love with you...  I wake up in the morning and I can't wait to see you.  All I can think about is how sweet, and funny, and sassy you are...  How good your hair smells...  How pretty you look when you smile...  God Ariana, you have no idea how special you are...’
Ariana gazed into Sawyer's golden-green eyes, so genuine and affectionate.  She had known deep down for a while now how she felt about the gorgeous, fair-haired country gent sat next to her...  But Ariana felt like she was still so fragile after escaping her abusive relationship with Sean just a few months ago, was she really capable of trusting her own emotions?  She'd sworn she would be so guarded in future, she wouldn't be so trusting and so giving of her affections...  Sawyer was so genuine and everything he did indicated that he really cared about her, and she couldn't deny that there was a large part of her that wanted to throw caution out the window and wrap herself in
Sawyer's embrace and forget everything except the feeling of their bodies pressed together, but
Ariana's self-esteem had taken such a hit that she couldn't really comprehend why someone like Sawyer would even give her a second glance... 
There was a part of her that screamed, 'he'll realise you're not good enough, why would he want you?' - she wasn't sure if she could take the rejection if she let him in, and then he changed his mind about her...  Ariana could feel burning tears welling up in her eyes as she tried to find a way to articulate all the things that were running through her head... 
Sawyer was wrenched from his thoughts as his cellphone buzzed in his pocket.  Fishing it out, he smirked as he read the text from Brooklynne,
"Well?? Did you ask her?? Bx" 
Ariana looked confused as he muttered something about Brooklynne being as stubborn as her damned Daddy...  Sawyer sucked in a deep breathe as he wondered what the hell he was doing taking relationship advice from his teen niece... 
He reached out, his large hand resting tentatively on top of Ariana's, "Ariana, would you let me take you to dinner or maybe to see a movie?  Like a proper date?" 
The smile that broke out across Ariana's face as she blushed furiously was all the confirmation
Sawyer needed...