Creative Writing August 2022

Underwater

/Flashback/: The cold water was circulating every inch of my body. My heart felt like steel. Diving into the freezing water made the moment more intense. My body felt like it couldn't handle this. The intensity felt like I was about to meet god...I was about to expirience the mystery of death. My adrenaline levels went up to the sky. There was no pain or discomfort. I only sensed the thrill of the moment.
Looking back at this I felt in peace, but when I say this story to to other people they flick or they attempt to change the way I think. A lot wonder how I ended up here. I think what matters more is the fact that I tried to drown myself.

Years ago, I made the decision to visit on my own, this magical Greek island. I picked to visit one that it was not fairly known among the people, so I could use some privacy. It was classified that I would go on vacation. Not even my agent knew. It started smoothly, I dealt everything that stood in my way with ease. It felt too good to be true. I got out of my comfort zone after a long time of isolation. Even going to an empty island was a big step for me.
1. No more liquor, 2. No more extreme parties, 3. No more sexual activities, 4. No more scandals and of course 5. No more gay rumors. These were the goals I set for this summer. Even when I did those things from the list, I never enjoyed this list of celebrity "comforts" as non-celebrities refer....
...or imply.
It was my first time going somewhere alone. Being with myself felt like a hard spike in my whole being. No one to fake a personality and make a show. My need to dance and be the center of attention was repressed. I was here to be myself. That was the deal. My therapist was very clear.
When I arrived at the island there was a kind man in a cab. He was working for the hotel I booked to stay. I called the hotel to bring me someone to pick me up from the airport and this kind person appeared to serve me. He was quite talkative. His accent was bad but his English were very good. He asked me so many questions. All of them had friendly intentions. There was no trace of rudeness or gossip in his questions. It was obvious this man didn't know I was famous. That's what I wanted.
When we arrived at the hotel and I was about to take my baggage he shouted at me one last thing. "I forgot to ask your name!" I panicked. I didn't know what to answer so I dropped a random name. "Elizabeth" he looked at me with a weird expression. The kind humble driver I met felt disgusted with me. "But you are a man....you stupid, are you making fun of me after everything I did for you!? Fuck off!!" He grabbed the wheel and the car made a screechy sound. The tires raised all the dirt of the ground. I couldn't help myself but laugh. I know it was stupid but I like messing up with people. Even when they're nice with me. Then I can see their true kindness. I know it's challenging. No ones ready and up to test them. My therapist blames it on my catastrophic behavior.
Employees of the hotel helped in every way. They carried my baggage and guide me to my room. The view of my room was unbelievable. Never have I ever seen such beauty and delicacy. The nature there was capable enough to keep me company.
Next morning I woke up at 6 am. I was fresh and ready to explore the island with my rented bike. After I smoked my third cigarette, missing my morning meal I went out for adventure. Riding my bike the air was slapping my face making a soft whirling sound. The morning breeze was so calming, birds were chipping gracefully and the sun started feeling stronger. I went to this nudist beach I found randomly. A celebrity like me would never step in one of these. Now I felt differently. This island inspired me to feel liberated. I needed to feel unknown and regular. I had no fear of being exposed in "People" magazine. My bond with nature at this time was really unexplainable. I needed to feel free.
I went to the highest rock you could find. There was no lifeguard to stop me. People were staring at me. It was highly dangerous and also unnecessary to brag about a stupid dive. My spirits were high. Nothing could stop me. I could feel all the stares being on me.
A part of my brain was asking me impulsively whether am I ashamed of myself and my actions. If no one gave me the needed attention I had to do something to get all the eyes on me. That would feel closer to my ruined reality. Even though I was aware of jumping at such height I didn't care. My breath didn't not statter, my walk to the edge of the rock was very confident. It was a choice I couldn't prevent myself from doing. Nothing had a meaning at this moment. My brain played tricks on me. I fell into my own trap. My brain made me think that this was the right decision for myself. This little part of my conscious didn't make a change to the future. The decision was already being made, it was unattainable to save myself. The little conscious gave up trying to prove me wrong.
The final act. I dived into the water with no thoughts whatsoever. I could have died, I could have got a serious injury. People took a video with their phones enjoying the naked man that drove himself to madness. No one warned me or tried to stop me from jumping. They enjoyed the spectacle. Even though it bothered me, it didn't stop me from jumping. I didn't hold my breath nor cared about my poor ears. I just wanted to splash into the water and see what would happen next.
The cold water was circulating every inch of my body. My heart felt like steel. Diving into the freezing water made the moment more intense. My body felt like it couldn't handle this. The intensity felt like I was about to meet god...I was about to expirience the mystery of death. My adrenaline levels went up to the sky. There was no pain or discomfort. I only sensed the thrill of the moment.
I stayed unconscious for a while deep in the water. I didn't move from the water even when I got up again. I assume people called an ambulance because I woke up in a hospital. I was no longer in the island. I could feel that. I was in a clinic in Athens. I had some injuries and my ears were in a bad state. All the doctors were helpful with me. When I got better they called me a cab to go to the airport. I canceled my stay in the island and I took tickets for the next flight back to the USA.
I opened my phone while waiting for my flight and many videos of me popped in my feed. It was me jumping and being unconscious. The caption was brutal. "Celebrity in a Greek island hurts himself for no reason!!! Could be consumption of alcohol who knows! Just look at him." Tears were falling from my face. No one understood my pain.
When I arrived back home I went to the psychiatric clinic I was visiting long ago. Of course I was followed by paparazzis and going to my psychiatrist was the cover of every gossiping magazine. When I went there everyone knew what already happened to me.
I cried a lot. My psychiatric was really caring. I started having sessions with him again. I did say every absurd thing I narrated before. He didn't flick or tried to change my mindset. The key was to find an explanation to this outburst. Before this incident in the island, I was in total isolation in my apartment. I was afraid to go out because I hated the idea of people following me and making their little stories.
I was asked a lot if I ever had tried this again. Trying to drown myself. My answer was weird but that's what I came up with. "I love staying in my bath tub full in water for hours...Underwater feels safer because I can't hear anyone it's really calm and peaceful."
August 1st 1994 it was the day that I was enclosed to the psychiatric clinic of New York for as long as it takes. Still being alive, this is my story.