Out With the Old, In With the New

Out With the Old, In With the New. 21JUN2021

      My thoughts create my life, my actions solidify my thoughts. The disbelief, self-hate, constant disrespect I exhibit towards myself is why I have not moved in a while. I know who I am, but when I don't trust myself then how can I expect anything out of myself? Why would I be motivated to be better if all I do is think of my myself is a fuck up? Okay, cool... I made mistakes ten plus years ago... That doesn't have anything to do with my current life. I was disappointed over outcomes that happened then, but I learned from them, and I grew from them. Even when I was fucked up, I leveled up. Look where I am at! I would not be here today without my heart. I know I don't fully love myself YET, but I do know I believe in my heart. Build off that belief and let it flow over into the love for myself. It's not going to happen overnight but as I continue to build a stronger belief and love for myself daily, then I will eventually love and believe in myself wholeheartedly. A daily pep talk will boost me up. If I can constantly give pep talks to other people who aren't in my skin, then I can give the same pep talk to myself to give me that boost to get up and DO something with my life. I won't get anywhere in my life by doubting who I am or feeling guilty because of events that happened years ago. Do you know how many times I read, "I just want to be dead" "I wish I died" "why didn't I die"? Clearly I don't want to be dead or else I would've pulled the trigger each time I thought and wrote those statements out. Get over yourself!!! The self-doubt and pity are so annoying at this point. Just because I doubt myself doesn't mean I can give up every time something good comes into my life. What am I doubting about myself? That I'm a failure, maybe I will kill myself, or better yet, I'm not meant for greatness...? Sir what!?!? If I was a failure, I would've died years ago when that shotgun was under my chin. If I'm actually going to kill myself, every time I look at the gun and feel it in my hands, I'd put it to my temple and pull the trigger. Why would I still be here if I wasn't meant for greatness? Get out of my head and look at me. You are the reason I'm not where I should be in life, and why I'm not headed down the correct path. I don't let people say three quarters of the shit I say to myself, so why am I letting you do it to myself? All these people I love and care about aren't living for me. Stop living for them and focus on Robert who is actually in my skin. When I implement that same belief I have in others into my own self, then I will have officially leveled up and healed in my life. I've been living outside of myself since I was young. Get back into my skin, focus on loving the ONLY life I have, and master myself. I can worry about them when I am good to go! Which does not mean follow the same patterns I've been living in. If I truly want change, I have to actually change, not just say I'm going to change! Yes, I have changed and grown in some areas of my life. Now I have new areas I must grow and heal in. I got to this point in my life from growing in the past. That growth doesn't stop just because I overcame a small hiccup in the grand scheme of things. Greatness isn't easy to achieve, especially if I'm holding myself back from it. It shouldn't take years to achieve it. I've been writing about wanting change and wanting to be great. What have I done to make those changes in my life? Talk about what I need to do to recognize the issue. Good, nice first step. Now get off my lazy ass and do the damn thing is next. Sitting here feeling guilty about myself isn't going to attract greatness or bring it anywhere near my life. When a bump develops in my road, don't turn around and run to the past. Shooting myself was supposed to end my life five in a half years ago. It wasn't meant to be used as a crutch for the rest of my life. That happened in 2015, I AM IN 2021 RIGHT NOW!!!! That doesn't have anything to do with my life or why I am struggling with things. That excuse of hurting other people with my decision is dead. If they are still letting it ruin their life, let them do that! They are NOT living in my skin. They do NOT walk in my shoes. They do NOT think or feel for me! How they feel, and what they think is THEIR problem NOT MINE. I shot myself and I survived because I deserved to live. I deserved to come out of this deadly experience because I am strong enough to handle it and turn it into a blessing. If I continue to let past thoughts and feelings run my current day to day life then I will not be able to fully experience that blessing. I am here in the present. Things that happened five, eight, ten plus years ago don't have any meaning to my life now. They were lived in the past, not here in the present. I have new obstacles to overcome that I continue to make bigger than what they should be. What I am facing now doesn't compare to what I've been through. Deal with the years of depression, years of betrayal, and years of self-harm, put a 12gauge shotgun under your chin, pull the trigger, and see what happens. I AM STILL HERE! No body including myself can take that away from me! I SURVIVED through all of that, and now all of a sudden I'm a fuck up? What sense does that make!?!? I'm only miserable now because I keep focusing on how terrible my past was, how "terrible" of a person I am, how terrible my life will be. IT'S ONLY TERRIBLE BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FOCUSED ON. DUH! My thoughts dictate my life. I think nothing but negative things about myself, then nothing but negative energies will enter my life. Remember who Robert is! That rare breed I always bring up, the answer to the never-ending question of "why me?" "Why did I deserve this second chance?" Because I was meant to be here. I was meant to go through everything I put myself through to test my own strength and belief in myself. Cleary, I have the strength I've always known I had, but yet I don't believe in or trust myself... Five years ago I was bed ridden with a feeding tube coming out of my belly and I want to believe I can't do anything with my life? I sound so fucking stupid but yet here I am doing it anyways. Grow up! I'm tired of hearing the same excuses over and over again. Nothing will change if I don't change for myself. Ain't no body going to change my life for me BUT ME! I'm not this shitty individual you make me out to be. Look at my tribe, look who I have in my circle and around me. Do you honestly think these people would still be putting up with my shenanigans if I was this terrible God forsaken person? Hell no, because they have better things to do with their time and energy. Amazing people aren't attracted to shitty people. That's ass backwards. Open my eye and mind to the endless opportunities I have in front of me and go get them done. Stop looking through my right eye reminding myself of the past because it's in the past, and it can't be brought to the present if I don't let it. I'm still here standing after everything you put me through. Robbie you can carry ya little ass out of here because it's time for the real Robert to get comfy in my head. What I think about CONSISTENTLY is how my life will be, what I DO CONSISTENTLY will cement my life. Life ain't all sunshine and rainbows when all I want are thunderstorms. Puddles are cute until I'm drowning in my misery. I'm bringing that bright sunshine back into MY life! It's time to breath. It's time to celebrate! Look how far I've come, look at all those impossible obstacles I never said I could overcome. Feel my lopsided cheek, feel how round my head is, look at how far my mental progress has come. I am stronger, I am braver, and I am more at ease upstairs than I have ever been. I put myself through the ringer too many times, yet I am still here standing and kicking!!! There's nothing I can put myself through or the world can throw at me that I can't overcome! My recovery period should've been over two years ago, but I felt the need to drag it out over guilt. Naw, that doesn't fly anymore. I've shown too much of myself for me to continue stepping in the way and shoving me down. Turn the gun away from my head and towards Robbie because the fear that is controlling me is only going to get me so far, if anywhere. Since I want to be great, I must kill and get rid of all the negative patterns I have sewn into my life. There is no excuse now. I know what I am capable of. It is time for the DO, not the say! Out of the 50 pieces I wrote, about 30 of them talked about wanting change or changing. The very first piece was contradicting to my current actions... I can't say I want change, but not change, then expect to change. That's stupid lol. I cannot expect better, but not DO better! I cannot tell myself something and then not follow through. I follow through with my word in regard to other people, but don't follow through for myself??? DO for myself as I expect others to do for me. Show the same love and respect for myself that I want others to show me. It's the action that's going to get it done. I can manifest all I want, but if I don't push myself towards it to verify my belief then it isn't happening. Proof is in the results I have to show for. If I'm not doing it, then evidently, I don't believe in it or myself. Believe in myself and DO better for myself because it has been too long since I loved myself. I love me and I love that I am headed towards the greatness I've always been destined for. All those impossible moments back then made it to where I AM POSSBILE now! I can do this and I WILL do this, let's get it poppin! It's only up from here!