My best friend texted me right before she committed suicide

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By pinkkea

**TRIGGER WARNING**

Stacy and I met in kindergarten. We were friends for years. It wasn't an easy friendship. We had a lot of messy fights, one of which led to my being uninvited to her thirteenth birthday party (but she made it up afterwards with a sleepover).

There was also an issue in ninth grade when we both had a crush on the same boy (but he rejected both of us and went out with Gloria, that bitch, and so with a common enemy we were reunited).

But I think that after everything passed, our friendship came out stronger - as cheesy as that sounds. Stacy said once that she knew she could trust me because even when we were fighting I never told anyone her secrets. And she hadn't either.

By the end of high school we knew we'd gotten over all our petty differences. We'd been accepted to the same college and we were planning to room together. We'd already bought posters and matching bedsheets.

Then she killed herself. It was the week before prom, right after her boyfriend broke up with her and told her to go find another date, and after she'd failed a math test as well. Everyone was horrified. Stacy was the pretty, popular girl, but also - especially after we stopped fighting - incredibly nice. Everyone liked her, even people who'd only met her once.

She'd texted me right before she died. The conversation went something like this:

Stacy: I think I'm going to kill myself.

Me: What? Why?

Stacy: Will broke up with me.

Me: He did???

Stacy: Yeah. He said I should go find another date. He said it wasn't working out. Nothing works out with me.

Me: But there are tons of other boys who'd fall over themselves to take you to prom! Just ask one of them.
Stacy: They're all taken now. It's too late.

Me: Well, it's just prom. It's kind of a stupid thing anyway.

Stacy: It doesn't matter. I'm not worth anything.

Me: You'll only be worth nothing if you kill yourself. That's really selfish! What about your parents and friends? Suicide is the worst possible option. You can't waste your life like that.

Me: You still there?

Me: Stacy??

Her parents found her phone, with my messages still on it, on her bedroom floor. She was hanging over it. Around eleven that night, Stacy's dad called me, half-sobbing, to thank me for trying my best to help. But it hadn't worked. She had hanged herself.

That last conversation haunted me for weeks after. I wanted to know if what I'd done was right. I went to a forum for suicidal people and posted the transcript and said that Stacy was dead, and asked if I could've done anything more.

Someone responded. He wrote: I'm sorry to tell you this, but everything you said was exactly the wrong thing to say to a suicidal person. You're looking for the truth so I will give it to you. What you said was intended to be helpful, but it did not do anything for her feelings of guilt and worthlessness. I don't want you to blame yourself, though. In today's world, we don't talk enough about suicide, especially not to teenagers. So I don't think you're at fault for your friend's death.

But he's wrong.

Because I was.

I knew exactly what I was doing.

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