mystery of love (call me by your name)

chapter nine

marzia had left early that morning, and i was so relieved when she told me she couldn't stay for more time and she went straight to her house after having breakfast.

i was still sitting outside the house, on the breakfast table that mafalda carefully prepared every morning, by myself, still trying to finish eating the toast i had started half an hour ago.

i wasn't hungry. 

i was feeling so out of my body since last night, and considering the fact that i had stayed all night awake, only sleeping for less than two hours, i was also exhausted.

mentally and physically.

so that was probably why i hadn't noticed that somebody was sitting in front of me, not until i heard his own voice.

i was turning my back to where he was sitting, but the only sound of his voice hit me like an earthquake, destroyed the stability i had gained in the last two hours, that made me be strong enough to wake up that morning, and to hold back my tears for as long as there were people surrounding me.

but his soft "hi", that way in which he spoke, with his voice being still a little cracky, made my eyes get watery at the fact, that the person i had been trying to push away from my mind, was there now, and i wasn't ready for this kind of situation.

i knew that my eyes still looked red and puffy from last night, and that the makeup i was wearing wasn't intense enough to cover it, and that as soon as i turned around to face him, elio could perfectly tell that something was wrong with me.

but what i was more afraid of, was that maybe, seeing his face this time was going to break me inside and out, and that, this time, i wasn't going to be strong enough to hold back my tears.

"are you ignoring me, lia?" he said with a chuckle, but i didn't laugh at that sound this time.

it was weird to think how much feelings can change from one day to the other.

how love can turn into pain, how happiness can turn into sorrow, and how a girl can turn into a mess in twenty-four hours. 

i decided to turn around to face him, letting my hair fly freely around my head with the motion of the breeze as i did so.

i looked at him for the first time, and i spotted those green eyes of him's that i loved so much.

his lips looked so soft on the sunlight, his curls were tangled, and he, he was there, he was real and i knew that i couldn't compare him to the elio i used to love, because he was that same person, it was still him.

and even though he was in front of me, i felt like he was further than ever.

"hey, are you ok?" he said softly, with a worried tone, probably because he had noticed how bad my face looked since last night.

"i'm fine" i said, and grabbed my plate and my water glass to go back inside before i started crying, because tears were already forming in my eyes as i were saying those words aloud.

i got up from my seat on the table and walked away from elio, from our words, from our problems, but i knew i couldn't just leave like that.

i was better than that.

we were better than that.

"where are you going?" he asked me as i was passing beside him, and the way his hand held onto my arm after that, made all of the memories come back.

one after the other.

"inside" a word, that was all i could say before a tear went down my face, and i knew i needed to walk away from there before he noticed i couldn't held back my tears.