The Queen's Wife (girlxgirl)

23. Mind walk

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Maud would like to think that this is normal. She is wrong, of course.

"If anyone is bothering you, don't be afraid to tell me. I'll always do my duty and protect you"

Suspicion is an evil snake, slithering through every part of her brain. At first it's unnoticeable, like a gray fog. She didn't see it coming, it existed within her mind and she thought it to be normal. But it grows as time goes by, the suspicion, by every single weird act and say. And then suddenly, after growing and growing, she snaps back to reality and realizes that the suspicion that she felt has become more of a reality than a thought. It's no longer just a nagging voice at the back of her mind. It's a screaming voice that interrupts every other thought and sends her spiraling down the staircase of hell.

Because that's what her suspicion really is. Sinful. And sins belong in hell.

It's on one of those days, as Maud lays in her husband's arms in the early morning, the sun peeking through the window, that she lets that snake run free. A week has passed in a blur. Whatever happened during her first day at the palace is like another fever dream, as every hour passes she forgets more and more of what's real and continues to walk through heavy sets of fog. Her mind is at a buzz, from the moment she opens her eyes in the morning to the sweetness that she shares with her husband in the evening. Everything is the same yet it constantly seems to catch her off guard. Just walking and talking takes so much energy that she hardly has any space left to learn or think for herself. Thankfully princesses don't really need to think for themselves to function. Their maids and guards lead them through the day.

Maud has memorized her schedule, but in the moment she always manages to forget it. Usually she wakes up before the sun and gets ready for a busy day. Her maids brush her hair, get her dressed, put different products and powders on her face before finishing off with a short daily briefing. Then it's breakfast in the east princess wing together with her new sisters-in-law, who seem to join her only out of excitement and curiosity. The thrill of getting a new princess to talk to, she supposes. By that point she is already exhausted and mildly confused by everything and everyone, but her day has just begun. They continue with different kinds of work and lessons throughout the day, from learning how to run the palace by shadowing the eldest princess, to meeting different officials and nobles and signing papers that she can't understand. The complexity of her life now greatly contrasts the simple way she used to live on the farm.

Meals are often forgotten throughout the day. That leaves her even dizzier than before. Each sunrise and sundown passes in a blur, the stars in the sky are the only bright thing in her life at the moment. The pressing heat and lack of constant meals and time for herself makes Maud weaker and more disoriented than she would like to admit. She was doing fine at Blue Knight, with only a few hours of sleep and hardly any food. But now it's different. Fatigue and the heavy workload catches up on her faster than it ever has before. Faster than it did during the starving winters on the farm, or during the cold nights at the Blue Knight palace. Maud can't figure out what has changed, what makes her act this way. The only thing she can think of is the sun.

That damned sun that shines down upon them all, every second of the awakening day. Despite the buildings being open and built out of stone, it's still hot inside, so there is no refuge. Born in the cold north and darkness, there is nothing as torturous as constant heat and light. Her clothes aren't as thick and covering as they used to be at the Blue Knight palace, but she still feels like fainting most of the time. It's pretty. Everything is so pretty. The pink and blue and red that she wears, beautiful fabrics that flow down to the ground. The airy veils and the thin shirts and dresses, it's so pretty. The beautiful sunrises in the morning, the way her maids put flowers in her hair, the colorful decoration in her food, the smiles of the servants and the nobles that she sees. There is beauty everywhere and it makes her nauseous, like her head is spinning and ears are ringing and time moves faster than ever before.