INSTANT CRUSH: AOT One-shots

Erwin » Apologies

canon-verse

"Your last morning with Erwin is spent marveling at everything that's ever made you fall for him."

━━━━━

For the longest time, watching him get dressed had been your favorite part of your trysts.

It was a simple series of motions that he always went over, humdrum and perfunctory, yet somehow in your eyes so otherworldly. Waking up to it was a blessing, for it was the only interval you felt completely at ease, chest liberated from the heavy load of your present reality, your future, and your past.

With a missing arm, however, the performance lost a touch of its seamlessness, and a couple of his frustrated grumbles would usually be enough to spur you to his help.

But not today.

Tangled in your sheets, face half sunken in your pillows, you didn't interfere. Today, you merely took it all in. Every sigh and groan and hushed curse; every quirk and idiosyncrasy; every dent and crevice and scar on his chest and back and thighs. Hours upon hours of losing yourself in him had them all committed to your perpetual memory. This one instance wouldn't reveal anything new. Yet, it was the fear of every imprint of him waning over time that urged you to absorb them all over again as they flew, as smooth and endearing and enchanting as ever.

If this were to be your last morning together like this, you wanted them, these little things that had made you fall for him so, to be your final image of him.

Agitation was evident in his every move, though. He, who had always been the embodiment of composure, a man so poised and level-headed it made you jealous, sometimes even furious, a figure of authority that never allowed emotions to seep past the stern façade, was now barely able to curb his eagerness.

An exhale of your own betrayed you. Erwin, who'd been grappling with his gear for the past few minutes, lifted his gaze to you.

"You're awake." His tone was smiling. "It's still early. Go back to sleep."

You shook your head and at last exasperated by his failed endeavors, called out, "Come here."

Obliging, he strode to stand by the bed. As you sat up, the covers fell to your hips, and you deftly set on fastening every strap and buckle.

Candlelight faintly flickered on your bare chest and shoulders. Instinctively, his hand moved to cup the swell of your right breast. The tender brushes of his thumb over your nipple sent shockwaves across your being. He raptly drank in your unconscious reactions to his touch and your expressions' futile attempts to remain unaffected.

Concentration was simply impossible with him in this proximity, let alone when all of his senses were on you. You swatted his hand away with a menacing glare. It drew the mellowest of laughs from him. Hoarse yet syrupy and candid, it thundered all the way to your chest, melting your heart.

And for the first time in years, it showed.

It showed that he was happy you were there with him. That he was thankful you'd stuck by his side every step of the road. That if he were to meet his fate during this mission, he was glad this would be his memory of you in his last moments.

"They're a good look on you," you said.

As if set free of the shackles that had for ages prevented him from embracing his humanity, Erwin didn't fight the diverted curiosity that overtook his countenance and asked, "What are?"

"Emotions. That glimmer in your eyes. It's been a while since I last saw it."

He hummed.

"Brings back memories of our cadet days." You sounded wistful. "I sometimes forget you're only human too."

His eyes glazed over, and regret was quick to settle. Before your apology slipped, he beat you to it.

Your astonishment was great, and even greater was your confusion. What is he apologizing for?

You'd always known what Erwin was after, his story—what shaped him into the man he'd become. His goals and motivations, his limitations and boundaries had all been made clear from the moment you'd first expressed your interest in him. That he felt the same but had other priorities was something you'd been told truthfully. There was no deceit, no desire to waste your time or string you along.

But to not be deterred by his rejection had been your choice. Where you should've been hurt, where you should've taken your distance and given up, you'd only found yourself harboring more respect and admiration for him.

And you had no regrets.

If it weren't for your insistence, you wouldn't have remained close friends. If it weren't for your acceptance, he would've woken up to an empty bed after every long night. If it weren't for you, he would've, throughout the years, borne the guilt of his actions alone.

All you'd ever wanted was to allay some of his burdens. He who had set on a predetermined path to becoming a devil, you'd walked by his side to remind him of his humanity.

This time you were the one to conceal all feelings and reply with a smile, certain that its meaning wouldn't escape him. He knew he shouldn't feel the need to apologize. In your eyes, he'd done nothing wrong. But everything about him seemed to be out of character this morning, for he settled next to you and engulfed both your hands in his large one.

Pools of light blue water, very similar to the bottomless oceans beyond the walls Armin kept describing, beheld you with sentiments you were too overwhelmed and afraid to make sense of. Your head tipped to rest on his chest—if you were to stare any longer to decipher what roiled within them, you would cry.

Though you had enough sway over your tears, the trembling of your shoulders was hard to repress. In response, Erwin stroked your back, gently and patiently. A kiss was pressed to the crown of your head, his voice barely above a whisper when he said, "Thank you. I wouldn't have made it this far without you."

At length, you calmed down, breathing steadying and upper body stilling. It was far too soon for his liking that you pulled away and without so much as a look his way, hastened to the dresser to find a shirt. When you returned, he'd already worn his jacket and was back on the small chair to put on his boots.

It was his turn to observe you now.

Dawn broke in slowly through the shutters as you scrambled around, making the bed. You'd always been too fidgety, so he attributed your hyperactivity to none other than your natural disposition. He surely didn't like to think it was because of his departure or your concern for him that you couldn't slow down. The thought would only make goodbye harder, more selfish, and laden with guilt.

When you were finally satisfied with everything and turned to him, he stood up. You never accompanied them to the gates, so he didn't bother asking.

Giving him a final once over, you cut him off when he took a step forward, "You forgot something."

"I haven't," he replied with a smile. Two of his long strides and his mountain of a figure was looming over you. With a hand on your cheek, he leaned in and kissed you.

It was cool and collected and safe—rich with every quality that had molded him into such an inspiring leader. You still tasted some of the innocence and hunger of his youth behind it, that which had charmed you and made you devote yourself to him, and it made you blush.

"Thanks, but I meant this." Fetching his bolo tie, you unfolded his collar to affix it around his neck.

Its hue contrasted beautifully with his glinting irises, and his lips found yours once more by way of thanks.

You were pacing about the room again the second the door closed after him, collecting any stray clothes and items, tidying up the mess you'd made of his desk the night before. It was spotless merely an hour later. And you could not think of any other distractions as the excruciating pace of time began dragging on your soul. It was going to be a long day.

Eventually, you decided to busy yourself with reorganizing Erwin's library; that should take you long enough, maybe if you managed to drown in one of his books along the way, till word came in the evening. How you'd occupy yourself afterward would depend on that.