Random Thoughts

08/06/22 Plane Rides and fear

Hey, so turbulence is an interesting thing isn't it? It doesn't scare me, I'm an adrenaline junkie, every time I feel the plane shake in bad weather, I feel my heart jump into my throat. My heart seems to stop beating and the only thing I can focus on is the sudden feeling that it could very much be my last as the plane shakes through he air as if its floating on the ocean with crashing waves.
As I said, I'm not scared of the turbulence. I'd like to believe that death doesn't scare me. The fact of leaving and being gone forever is fine, I'd have a lot less to worry about. I feel like I have accomplished what I've always wanted to do.

Live without worry, know true happiness.

The things that may come in the mortal world after I go... now that is what truly terrifies me.
Being forgotten is my biggest fear. I'm afraid that the second no one sees me that I will be forgotten forever.

Any second now as I sit on this plane and glance out the window at the perfectly hued clouds, the orange and pink that is painted on the canvas that is the sky, I could start spiraling down into the abyss that is my head.
Will the rest of the plane notice that my chest gets tighter, my breathing becomes difficult, and all I can see around me are a hundred pairs of eyes boring into me, scrutinizing my every move as if their life depended on it?

Simple answer, no one would notice. I know in reality that no one is looking at me. No one cares about the girl sitting in 17A wearing the oversized purple hoodie; dirty, light blue skinny jeans that haven't been washed in 3 days, the 2 year old converse that have been through thick and thin with her as she worked her first job washing dogs in a place that made her feel trapped, the gross, earwax covered iPhone headphones that drape her neck that were once painted a beautiful holographic nail polish that her friend had painted for her Freshman year.
Her dirty blonde hair that curls around her face, her stormy blue-grey eyes with 2 day old mascara clinging to her medium length eyelashes, the skin on her face that had recently been tanned by overexposure to the sunlight and not enough sunscreen.

I'm not as important as I feel deep inside, I'm not as gorgeous, I'm not as perfect, I'm not as special, I'm not as smart.

This plane could go down and I could fall through the air at high speed and stare out the window as the watch the world turn sideways and the ocean rush up to meet me.

But it won't.