BRAIN dead

5. Brain Dead

The cracks in the force field became a gaping hole. Not a big enough hole for me to push myself through but enough to push a finger through. The pain that I was feeling was becoming unbearable to the point where my heart began to race but, I persevered. I wanted to see my mother, I wanted to hold her in my arms and smell her scent of Lemongrass and Ginger. Her scent... I remembered it because it gave me a sense of security and social recognition as a child. I even remembered how she felt when she hugged me, the softness of her tummy as she squashed me to her. These were the loving memories from my childhood.

***

Talking to the doctor, I heard multiple beeps coming from the heart monitor. I turned my head to see multiple spikes. Was my son still alive? Could he hear me? Did he know that the good doctor and I were getting ready to end his life? Was I making the right decision? Am I even a good parent? So many questions with no right answer to give. That was what puzzled me.

"Don't worry about that Mrs. Reed. It is a completely normal occurrence. Just me, you are making the best decision for both your son and yourself." The good doctor reassured me.

"Are you sure? Maybe I should wait until next month and if nothing changes then I'll do it."

"Mrs. Reed you're an intelligent woman, I know, you have your doctorate in Psychology. You and I both know that you are just trying to delay the inevitable. Where you do it today, next month, or next year, his condition will not change."

Was he right? I knew he was when I spoke to him last week but today, I wasn't so sure. I watched with steady eyes as my beautiful son who lay peacefully in his bed surrounded by all types of machines that were preserving his body. THERE IT WAS! I thought I was going crazy at first, but I swore I saw his finger twitch. It was faint but I'm pretty sure I wasn't imagining it. I couldn't! It had to be real, for my sanity!

"He moved his finger!"

"That's impossible. Mrs. Reed please..."

"JUST LOOK" I shouted hysterically, and he turned towards my son and stared at his fingers for so long, but nothing happened. Not a flick, twitch, or shift.

"It's okay now." The doctor said as he patted my back and led me to the chair by the window.

I sat down in defeat. It was over, I was officially losing it.

"We will begin removing everything now. You don't have to stay in the room if you don't wish to."

"No no that's fine. I want to watch this. I needed to."

***

As I cracked my eyes open, I saw my mom talking to what I can only assume is my doctor. She was giving up on me! I tried my best to move my fingers to let her know that I was alive but the pain in my head became too much for me to move no more than one finger and only twice. I watched as the doctor led my mother to sit by the window then he walked to me and reach down to unplug something. I slowly felt the life draining from me and I screamed inwardly. NO! This couldn't happen to me; I didn't deserve this. Memories of what happened flowed through my brain and a tear rolled down my cheeks. I was here and I was still alive was the last thing I thought before my heart monitor flat-lined, and everything went dark.