RECONCILE- J.B

12

His eyes held a sudden defence as he became stiff and closed off, long gone was the Josh who had greeted me a mere twenty minutes ago. This person that was sat in front of me, was a totally different person to who I knew and remembered. His hands tensed as I let him continue his sentence.

"So about last night..." He rubbed a hand on his chin, contemplating what to say next. I look down to the little scar on my finger and start rubbing it self consciously.

I know his next words are not something I want to hear. I can tell by the way he's holding himself,  how his eyes are slightly clouded and his voice slightly wobbling. I lift my eyes to his and jump in before he can tear my heart out once more.

"You invited me out, swooned me with flowers and food and are now about to tell me, that it can't happen again. I know you Josh, so don't lie to me. Tell me straight. I know it was a heat of the moment thing, so don't think that I'm head over heels for you. Tell me why you're about to shut it down before something goes too far." My heart is hammering in my chest, immense feelings of anger but also disappointment swelling inside me. My eyes fall back to my hand, seeing the slight tremor.

"Olivia." He breathes in less than a split second. 

That was the last thing I was expecting to hear him say. My eyebrows knit together as I try and piece together the things I'd been missing. 

Her dreamy eyes when she looked at him. Their secret conversations on set. How they would always be texting and smiling at the same time. I always thought it was one sided, but I realised that I'd been clouding my eyes because I still liked Josh. I never wanted to see what was right infront of me. 

"So you kissed me. I let you kiss me. But you love her." I meet his eyes as he slumps in his chair, eyes holding mine. "I get it. I do. We haven't seen each other for so so long that we've grown as people and moved on. But why did you do it. Why did you do it when you know you love her?" 

"Look Thea, it's not as easy as that." He sighed.

"Easy as that?" I could feel my temper rising as I spoke to him. "Everything is easy when you boil it down. There's a right and a wrong. You chose the wrong and Olivia's one hell of a catch to be messing up."

"I know. Let me explain." He sat forward now, hands clutching his knees. Desparate. I motioned my hands out in a gesture that gave him the floor. Not once uttering a word.

"I left because I had to. I loved you because I wanted to. You were my first love. Always. But it's been years, I expect you've moved on and so have I. Me and Olivia have something good. We were told not to by producers and the fans already think we're together, but so far we're happy and the day you arrived, I was planning to make it official. But then you turned up and everything stopped working for a minute. Everything rushed back..." He only paused to take a small breath, but I stopped him before he could continue.

"Please don't go into some bullshit speech of how I made everything rush back and you had to find out if you still liked me by kissing me. I know I kissed you back, so I'm not totally guilty, but there's other ways to find out than by using your mouth." I huffed as my patience grew thinner.

I knew I wasn't guilty and I wouldn't give him all the blame, but he made the move first. I'd have been happy to let me and him have a friendship before we tried to figure out something else. But everything was happening too quickly and, sitting here right now, I didn't know exactly what I felt about him. 

"I know kissing you was irrational, but in that moment, I was back there on your balcony at home. When you kissed me for the first time and I never kissed you back, because I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't want to embarrass myself by telling you there and then that I loved you. That I still love you Thea." He wore a hopeless expression, like he had run out of all options to try and explain himself whilst making me try to not run away. "What I feel with Olivia is slower but it's steady and I think I could really let myself love her if I wanted to. I know I messed up and don't forgive me for that, but it happened and I can't take it back."

"Does she know?" I asked.

"No" He breathed, shaking his head. "Should I tell her?"

"It's up to you. I'd want you to be honest with me, but you're not together as of now. If you want to tell her, then I guess you should. If not then I understand." I took a sip of my tea that had now gone cold. "I'm not going to tell her and ruin something that could be good between the both of you." 

He let out a breath that he seemed like he'd been holding for a long time. His eyes held a silent thank you. For the first time since getting here, I saw him for who he really was. Long gone was the boy I thought I knew, and here sat a boy that had been thrown around in society and left to make his own mistakes that he had never really faced. 

"Let's call it water under the bridge and forget it every happened." My hands shook as I handed him back the flowers I had been so happy to recieve an hour ago. He took them hesitantly, our eyes locking for a split second. 

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I drowned out the hustle and bustle of the now busy coffee shop and let my mind wander to what was could have been and what was not going to be. It was better this way. We'd not seen each other in years, people don't just fall back into their old habits. 

I was mad with the decisions that he'd made since I'd arrived. His warm aura, his late night call which I rushed like an idiot to pick him up and take care of him, the kiss at the party. Everything was in the past. Everything had to be in the past. It killed me to think about it that way, but I was no longer a part of his future. Olivia was, and I had to be happy with that. She deserved the world. 

A shrill ping sprung me out of my daze, my eyes flashing up to see Josh reaching for his phone on the coffee table. I saw the faint flash of Olivia's name against his blue phone screen before he pressed the lock button and all I saw now, was his reflection in the dark screen.

"I best go." My own voice surprised me, and Josh's eyes locked on mine. The golden haze of his iris was fading to a murky brown. "I'll see you at work tomorrow. I hope it all goes well with Olivia, she deserves the world, so make sure you give it to her." I let a small smile reach my mouth as I rose off the of the brown couch, stuffing my hands in my pockets. 

He made a small move as if he was going to rise with me, but thought against it at the last minute and it turned into an awkward shuffle as he gave me a small nod. 

"I know. I am really am sorry Thea." His voice seemed apologetic but I didn't want to look at him anymore.

"I know you are. I get it Josh, I really do." I let myself walk out of the coffee shop at this, arms still hooked in my pockets as I managed to slip out of the slightly open door. 

My heart was heavy and my eyes held a small glimmer of tears, but I wasn't going to let myself cry. It was meant to be like this. This was always the way it was meant to go, who was I to think it was going to go any different? We were on two different paths that ended years ago. Life isn't meant for the two of us to be anything other than friends.