It's been one week since Claire left, and I'm finally starting therapy today.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous to go. The thought of opening up my whole life to someone again scared me, after all, the last two people I did, aren't even in my life anymore.
As I drove closer and closer to the therapist's office, I kept growing more uneasy. I don't know if I'm ready to face everything yet, and to explain all the loss, the depression, the emptiness, is just something I don't know how to say out loud.
It's real if I say it out loud.
It was 10 minutes before my appointment, and by some miracle I finally parked in the parking garage and began walking inside.
I kept having such conflicting thoughts. On one side of my brain, I knew this would benefit me, but on the other side, I wasn't ready to come out of this shell.
Once I reached the office which had the lettering 'Dr. Williams,' I knew I had finally reached my destination.
My hand shook with anxiety as I knocked on the door. I took a deep breath as I heard light footsteps walk towards the door, soon opening it.
I was met with a sweet-looking older woman. Her untamed curly hair and her big brown eyes made me feel at ease, and made me feel like I'd known her for years.
"Michael Jackson?" She asked, smiling.
"That's me, Dr. Williams," I said, returning the smile.
"Well, don't just stand there! Come on in," She laughed, opening the door a little wider.
Her office was decorated in such a sophisticated, yet inviting way. She had plants hanging from the walls, and some scattered along the window seal and her desk. She had cheesy signs with sayings along the lines of "It's okay not to be okay," and "Stay positive."
Once I was done peering around the room, she took a seat in a comfortable chair that was parallel to a long, brown leather couch.
She motioned for me to take a seat on the couch as she put on her glasses and began to read up on my patient chart.
"Dr. Jackson, it's lovely to have you here today," She smiled, looking up at me, "How are you feeling being here?"
"I feel," I paused for a moment, "I feel okay." I fibbed.
"It's okay if you're nervous, Michael," She said, "I want you to know that this is a safe space."
"No, no, I know, I've just never done anything like this before," I laughed anxiously, "Well, that's not true. I did go to therapy for a little while when I was 18 because of some family stuff, but never since then."
She nodded her head in understanding, "So, Michael, why do you think that you are here today?"
"Uhm," I started to feel a lump rise in my throat, "I, uh, I've been going through a lot." I croaked.
"Dear, it's okay, take your time," She said, comfortingly.
I shook my head slowly and closed my eyes tightly, begging for the tears not to be released from my eyes.
"Uhm," I cried, "I lost.. I lost someone." I choked out.
Dr. Williams stayed silent, allowing me to have my space. I appreciated that, but I didn't know what to do. I needed someone to hold my hand, I don't know if I could do this by myself.
"Who did you lose, Michael?" She said, giving me a soft look.
"I lost- I lost the love of my life," I sobbed into my hands, "I lost Maria."
