You Don't Hate Me

Walking on eggshells

Kimmy dropped me off at the gate and I took a moment to think about what was going on and decided I couldn't go back to that house. Going for a walk to the local park I sat near a pound, watching the old people feed ducks and other birds. I don't think that guy can see. While I was reminiscing about the other night one of the party-goers talked up to me,

" Hey, you were the chick at the party, right? The one that made up that game." he smiles and points.

" Yeah, I'm the wild party animal," I say sarcastically, hoping he'd pick up on it and leave me to my solitude.

" Hey, so, I heard you spent the night at D's place." he starts making a suggestive face.

" Uh, yeah he was nice enough to let me stay because I was too drunk," I responded in confusion.

" Oh, so you were drunk. Did he try anything?" he starts walking closer to me, making me super uncomfortable.

" No, and please back the fuck up." I assert.

" what? I just wanted to know if you had a good time at the party. That's all." He backs away with his hands in surrender,

" Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. I was just trying to talk to you." attempting to gaslight.

" Well, I don't want to talk." I turn away from him hoping he'd get the message and leave.

" D is such a lucky guy, I know he tapped that last night," she says before leaving me to contemplate his rude comment. I couldn't even give my energy to be upset with him because I was too concerned with Kimmy and me. Kim, he called her, Kim. Like she's known him her whole life. I can't stop hearing it and it makes me mad all over again. My phone started to ring, I looked to see if it was my dad calling.

" Hey daddy, sorry I didn't call earlier. I'm at the park watching some ducks."

" Come home now. Please." he hangs up and now my anxiety is through the roof.

When I got to the gate my mom was there waiting for me.

" Hey, mom, what's going on?"

She looked at me with sadness and a bit of shame,

" Come inside, your dad and I need to have a serious talk with you." She looks toward the ground as she turns around and walks through the gate. Walking up the driveway I see our driver standing by the door. He nods respectfully and opens the door for us following us in. My dad was sitting in the living room leaning forward with his head in his hands.

" David, she's here."

He sighed, " Okay. Have a seat, everyone." my heart was pounding. Best case, my dad lost his job. Worst case, my family is falling apart.

" Dad, you're starting to scare me. Can someone please explain what's going on?"

My dad paced around the living room slowly, covering his mouth.

" Should I just say it?" my mom offers, my dad shook his head, still pacing.

" Katrina, I know you heard your mom and me fighting. This isn't really about that but you're a legal adult and I need you to act as such in this situation, okay? Can you do that for me?"

" Okay, dad." I took a deep breath trying not to freak out.

" Katrina, you aren't my daughter." he huffs, trying to hold back tears.

" I-if you're not my dad then who is?" I was so confused but I fully expected my dad to tell me our driver was my father.

" Listen Hunny, you aren't my daughter either." my mom says softly.

I turn and look at her with a shocked face,

" So who are my parents?"

" I am." The driver says, " I couldn't raise you, I had nothing but when I told you I knew I couldn't bear to not be a part of your life. Your mom died bringing you into this world but I see her in you. I'm so sorry we lied to you like this. I never wanted to hurt you, I just wanted you to grow up in a normal home with people I knew would love you."

I took a moment to think. I couldn't say anything, I tried to understand but the thought that my real dad has driven me to and from school my entire life just blew my mind. One thing just didn't make sense,

" So, why were you guys fighting last night?" I looked at my parents waiting for them to answer, my adopted dad looked to the ground almost in shame.

" We discussed whether we should tell you all this or not and your dad- you're adopted dad thought we should just keep things the way they are. Your father felt the responsible thing to do, we've had to revisit that conversation more than once and your father just gets a little heated cause he was worried you'd hate us for it. Things were said out of anger and I know they were just words.'' She looks over to my dad with forgiving eyes, he bites his lip in acknowledgment and nods.

" Look, we love you and we still see you as our daughter, and if you'd like to say our daughter-"

" Really? You guys sprung this on me after scaring the hell out of me. I-I need to get out of here for a while. I ran to my room slamming the door behind me.

I can't believe they'd keep something like this from me and they waited 18 years to tell me- how could they?! All I wanted to do was call Kimmy but it felt too weird now. I have no idea how she feels about last night, I wish things didn't feel so complicated. I buried my face in a mountain of pillows letting out a big scream, kicking my legs, and just letting go of all the feelings I was having at that time. My screaming turned sobbing, an uncontrollable ugly cry- snot and all.