Beneath These Waves

Chapter Sixteen

It's been two days since we left.

It took a few minutes to get going, as we set the submarine up and I got myself together enough to drive. But then we were on our way, the next coordinate punched into the control panel. It felt nice to be the one pressing the buttons again, the one that was in control. It was a feeling that rested inside of me, dormant, the jealousy that Amphira got to press all the buttons and flip all the switches while I got to sit and watch.

Sometimes we still forget that we're alone now, that it's just the three of us. Last night, I started talking to my empty room, thinking Venus was there, and taking way too long to realize she wasn't, that she was back on the shelf, waiting for me. Cal expected porridge for breakfast yesterday morning. Ser called out for Juno when she couldn't find her hairbrush.

I think Cal and Ser know that Venus and I kissed. They exchange knowing looks with each other whenever they're together and I walk by. I'm just waiting for them to confront me, I actually want to talk about it, I'm just afraid.

I get up from the panel. I've been sitting at it for shorter spurts, especially as the submarine falls back into its normal functions after being still for so long. Although autopilot is still untrustworthy, I feel a little more secure, and I know that if things start going strange again, I can always get back.

There's been this urge brewing inside of me, definitely since we got back in here, and maybe before that. It's time for a change.

I go to my room and locate the secret cabinet. It takes a while to find it, since I haven't opened it since I put the supplies in there and a few routine checks in the first few months.

I extract a box of hair bleach, then pull out the different dyes. Purple, pink, red, a darker shade of blue, a tacky yellow color.

I close my eyes and brush my hands over the packages, choosing at random. I've learned to trust fate more, that things happen for a reason. Why else would my hands have clasped onto the edge of the gap in the tower? Why else would we be here right now, still alive, two pieces of the fragments in our possession?

I open my eyes and find that my hand has settled on the dark blue dye. I set the rest back in the cabinet, putting them closer to the front, knowing that I'll be using them soon. Back on the island, I never kept a color for more than two months, my hair changed with the seasons.

I pace the hall to the bathroom, almost locking the door, but deciding against it. I grab the stained towels out from under the cabinet, the ones I brought specifically for this purpose. They've been sitting collecting dust for all these years, so I shake them out, until they're as clean as they're going to get.

I take a look in the mirror, the last one that I'll see with my pale blue hair, this version of me. Then I gather my hair up and rinse it with water. I dry it lightly and put the bleach in, wrapping my hair in a towel.

I go back to the control panel, looking out the window. We're still on the shelves, but there's life now, the occasional scattering of kelp, a few fish flitting by.

"What are you doing with you hair?" I spin the chair and find Cal standing there, a hopeful look in her eyes.

"I'm dyeing it."

Her eyes brighten even more, confirming that she was hoping for this. "Can I watch you?"

"Sure. And, you know what? I think the bleach should have done its job by now. Let's go to the bathroom, shall we?"

We walk together, and Cal yells for Ser.

She runs out of her room, and I catch a glimpse of the notebook on her bed, propped open. "What's wrong?" she glances from right to left.

"Nothing." Cal says. "Dell is just dyeing her hair."

"Yay! Can I watch?"

"Definitely."

We squeeze into the bathroom, cramped but still comfortable. They watch as I put on gloves and massage the dye through my hair.

It's not changing me on the inside. That part's already changed, it's been developing and twisting and turning into something brilliant, now I'm just altering my appearance to match.

I let Cal and Ser take turns attacking the part of my hair where I can't reach. Even with the gloves, the edges of their wrists get soaked in blue, and they laugh. Before, I never would have thought this was possible, I never would have been able to picture it. Dad would have stopped us and forced Cal and Ser to go count the samples, and given me a judgmental glare. There's this freedom without him, something I didn't know what to do with at first, but now, gradually, I'm able to fill up more and more of the space. And who knows, maybe if he saw us like this it would make him happy, because that seems like what he wanted- for us to have light in our lives, for us to not be completely left in the dark.

Ser's been holding on to the second disk fragment, and I still haven't taken the first one off. She put it in her top dresser drawer, where it'll stay until we have all six pieces, if that ever happens. I believe it will, that we've gotten this far, there's nowhere to go but forward.

When the dye has been applied everywhere and has stained everything, I sit and let it soak. Cal and Ser watch, and it's Ser that finally decides to cross the line.

"So..." she begins, a smirk creeping onto her face. "I've been wondering."

"What?" I feel my cheeks flush.

"Did you and Venus kiss?"

"We did," I whisper.

"I knew it!" Cal and Ser shout at the same time.

We talk then about the mermaids, going over details we've already meticulously dissected, and finding new ones. I tell them all about Venus, about how I was afraid to fall for her but now I'm happy I did, about the hesitant hugs and the loaded conversations, and I'm peppered with an abundance of "I know "s and "Obviously "s. I don't tell them about Louise though, even if there are parts of me I can give to them, there are still parts I need for myself, secrets that lay buried in my soul.

When it's time to rinse my hair out, Cal and Ser leave, off to do their own things. I let the water run through my strands, watching the excess dye slip down the drain. I stand, waiting for my hair to dry a little before toweling it. I run my finger against the wall, the metal that I'll never grow tired of, the metal that I'll never want to let go. It's held me for these past two years, it's the only thing between us and the sea.

I find another one of the ruined towels and run it over my hair. I squint my eyes shut and pull the towel away, then look at the mirror.

There's a girl there. She's smiling, there's a fire in her eyes that can't be extinguished. She's built of her new and old self, of memories and realizations, sealed with deep blue hair.

I gaze for a few minutes, feeling like my reflection is someone different, but knowing that she is me and I am her. Then I wander back to the control panel.

Here I am, hurtling towards the next destination, the next fragment, and something from Dad's second letter is resonating in my mind.

That under the ocean, scattered apart, were six disk pieces. They supposedly led to something both beautiful and terrible, a treasure beyond imagination.

This quest has been terrible. I've been broken and fixed, had things I love stolen away from me, and I've gotten to know death way too well.

But, as I stare at the world waiting in front of me, I know something else- it's been beautiful too.