Just normal guys

9. Late Night Talking - Mental Health Edition

Before you start, I have a song suggestion for this chapter: If you want, listen to "Waking in the dark" by Only The Poets. I had this song in mind the whole time I was writing, so you might want to try it.

Zayn's POV:

12:30 am. I still couldn't sleep. Todays incident wouldn't leave my mind. We all knew Ayla as happy, nice, and confident girl, who never let anything drag her down. Of course, no one would ever always be in a good mood  but seeing her breaking down, crumbling inside while trying to hide most of her true feelings felt like a stab would to my heart. Only a little wound but painful as fuck.
Louis also didn't seem to find any sleep, he just sent me a meme via instagram. I wasn't surprised. We both had many sisters. If anything like that ever happened to one of them the guy who did it would probably be in Jail by now. Or dead. As I scrolled through my DMs, I saw a little green dot beneath Aylas Profile Picture.  That makes three of us. I opened the chat, unsure of what to text. I settled for something basic.

"Can't sleep either?"

"No, not really."

"Same. Well, I don't blame you after what happened today. If you want to talk, just text me. Or call, if you need any company, ok?"

"Thany you :) But I think I'll fall asleep after all. I mean, after the first shock and after I called first you and then my parents I could cope pretty well. Idk, but during any kind of grief I always seem to skip the first four stages and get immediately to acceptance. I know that it happened, and I can't change anything, so I ... just deal with it I guess."

"But?"

"Now that I'm trying to sleep it plays again in my head, the whole thing. I can't even concentrate on the story I invent in my mind to help me fall asleep. Sucks tbh."

"Not that I know much about the topic , but I'm pretty sure that's normal and probably some part of the trauma category. Do you plan talking about this with a therapist? This would help you, I'm sure, but only as soon as you're ready of course. Don't let yourself pressured into talking about it, ok?"

"Yeah, I will. And No, I won't. I'm already seeing a therapist sometimes. Not because I need to, but it is nice to just rant about any shit going on. Especially during exam phase. Next appointment's gonna be interesting though.

But how about you? You don't seem to be in your best shape as well at the moment, are you?"

It was clear that she didn't want to talk about this any longer. I wouldn't ask again of course. It was important that Ayla had control over this now, especially after a situation where all control was ripped away from her. And nobody should ever have to talk about something they didn't want to, obviously.
I hesitated with my answer. Ayla hit Bullseye with her question, and she probably knew that. But since she had been honest and open about her feelings I decided to do the same. Also because I trusted her to keep this to herself.

"Yeah, you're right. I guess I'm just a bit stressed. Honestly, I feel drained after these last years. Studio, album, interviews, tours, and studio, a new album interviews again, everything again and again. If I'm honest, a little break would be nice"

"Sounds completely valid. You were teenagers and just got thrown into this madness. It always seemed like an insane amount of work and stress to me, now that I think about it. Let me return your question: Are you getting professional help? Or can you at least talk to the others? If not, I will always be here if you need to, alright?"

That was too much. I'm not sure why, but now some wall inside of me broke, and all those emotions that I never even tried to think about came over me like a tsunami. I wasn't holding back anymore, not this night.

"Actually, no. I haven't told anyone yet since they all seem to be able to cope with this pretty well. Something Inside me says, that I'd have to be able to do it too then. I know it's dumb, but I just have to feel control over at least SOMETHING in my life, you know?"

"I know. You don't eat much, do you?"

"No"

I had never spoken about this. Now that I did, I realised, that something was very wrong about it. And while I was amazed that she noticed just with pictures and videos, I wasn't really surprised. It was obvious for anyone who observed the things that happen around them the way Ayla always did.

"You are aware that that could be  some kind of eating disorder? Or development of one?"

"Now that I think about it"

"I dont want to pressure you, of course not, but please at least consider telling this to the boys. This is a serious matter, you need to do something, ok?"

"I'll think about it. Thanks for, idk, opening my eyes"

"Sure, always. I hate seeing you, or people I like in general, so obviously unhappy, I couldn't NOT try to do or say something"

"That's kind. Actually, I would say it's noble."

"I'm just doing my best"

I didn't know what to say, what to talk about next. These topics lay over me like a blanket made of iron, cold and heavy. I checked the time. 1:30 am. We'd texted for over 45 min. To be fair, typing those long messages always took much time.
But it really was getting late now. As if we'd thought the same thing a new message from Ayla appeared on the screen:

"I think I should go to sleep now. Or at least try to. Thanks for this chat. And for confiding to me. Good night :)"

"No worries. Thanks for talking to me and listening. As I said, if something is wrong, I'm here. Have a good night and hopefully sweet dreams!"

I turned off my phone and plugged it in to charge overnight. Staring at the walls of my room falling asleep seemed to take way longer that usually.

Ayla's POV:

Saying it had been a rough day would be a massive understatement. Probably I'd "get over it" really quickly, a.k.a. "sweeping it under the carpet, not talking about this and pretending it didn't happen". That was what usually happened to any bigger, unpleasant emotions of mine. I was just glad to have people I could talk to about this, I knew I had to, just not-dealing with it should never be an option. Receiving supportive, shocked, loving and just kind messages the whole day long definitely helped. Not sure for what exactly, but they did make me feel better and less alone.
At around midnight Louis texted me, saying something along the lines of "When they catch this speck of dirt on the sole of humanity's shoes make sure I can't reach him, else I can't promise not to hurt him".
And eventually the chat with Zayn. Back when I didn't know them personally, I feel like I could relate to Zayn the most out of all five. We were both often quiet, more introverted than the rest, more observing a conversation than participating in it, stiff like that. This was one of the reasons why I felt comfortable telling him everything that was going on in my mind. Another reason was, that I had suspected that he wasn't feeling great either. I hadn't expected him to tell me everything, I never would have forced him to do so of course, but telling someone about your own burden is easier if that person knew the weight it has. And he definitely knew that, he told be himself. I was pretty sure that he was overworked and stressed, but I didn't really expect it on this level. I hoped he really was going to talk about it with someone else, same way that I was gonna do. This thoughy reminded me, that I had to schedule an appointment with my therapist. Tomorrow, I thought. This had to wait until I got some sleep. I sighed, snuggled even deeper into my blanket and finally closed my eyes. After some time I was tired enough to fall asleep, hoping that I wouldn't get too many nightmares.

A/N
Yeah, I don't have an apology. And I won't make assumptions again as to when I'm gonna continue. I hope soon. I know nothing. Anyway, I'm not so happy with how this turned out (as always) but I'm too tired to wait and edit again until I upload it (also as always). So, have fun with this. Ok, maybe "fun" isn't really the right word, but, you know, enjoy it. Good night everyone, I'm gonna go to sleep, it's past midnight here.
No wait, one second. Mom, if you read this, again don't worry about me, I'm fine. This us just a story, ok?