Chimera: A descent to the ascent

Chapter 1: Under the Shadow of Future Failure

Falling is undervalued. Many say that after you fall you get back up, but no one teaches you how to heal the blow that caused you to fall. And what about the pressure of not being what you were supposed to be when you were just a kid? Here things look more serious. The real world lacks the vivid colors that manifest themselves to us when we are just kids.

I thought I would do what I liked best when I was an adult, but heck, I'd like to go back to my childhood and find out what that was because frankly I've forgotten all about it... or it never existed.

It's funny, our society is so used to patterns of behavior, that when you don't comply with them, they start to look at you with judgmental eyes as if it's a crime to live life the way it's been handed to you. It is difficult, you just want to know your purpose in life, but it is even more difficult to admit that we want our purpose to be full of prosperity.

What can I do to change everything? That is the question. Sometimes I try to fool myself by repeating every moment that money does not bring happiness, but I want to have the opportunity to prove it because it is easy to give an opinion from a yacht, and not from a small 2x2 room.

These have been hard years. I must admit that they have forged me, but I still don't understand how I can use this mettle that life has given me, because I find myself in a sea of insecurities that are not letting me move forward.

Dreams are built, but some plans on how to do it would be excellent at this very moment. I'm having sleepless nights, but I guess that's part of the process.

The time is almost upon us, I must be strong and have the mindset that everything will be okay, this is not the time to dwell on negative things. After all, they can't kill you if you are already dead, I read that once upon a time, and how right that phrase is.

It's funny, everyone expects me to fail, in a plan that I don't know, but I'm sure that if I succeed, they will call me at any moment and say that they believed in me. Many faces for only two eyes. The mire of failure doesn't feel so bad if I'm only here because I want something bigger.

I remember while I was in high school, I imagined myself having everything I don't have now, and that, at my age, I would already be in the highest places in society, living the life I always dreamed of. Good plan, but the bad procedure. But don't think that everything is bad here, there comes a point when everything I'm telling you, recovers a sense and has its reason to be. Sad stories also have moments of happiness, and I promise you that these memories will have a well-deserved ending, where all the tears I have shed will be the fuel for all my dreams.

I don't expect you to understand me, nor do I expect you to imitate me, but if God has a plan for all of us, I believe that, in the process of fulfilling it, is where our situation becomes more intimidating. This is the beginning, and if during this journey you see me at my lowest, trust that I will rise, and if I don't, I want to feel that I struggled.

Having to go out every day with a smile on my face because I look at this place and there are people with more serious problems than mine, is certainly the breath of reality I needed, but that they are more miserable than I am should not give me hope or pleasure, it is knowing that if I do not open my eyes and act, I will be stuck like them in a cruel reality that they have not realized.

I have not been given anything, I have earned everything, and even if it is not much, it is mine. Maybe I wouldn't be so alarmed to do something different with my life if it weren't for the fact that I'm not only in charge of myself alone... and that's what makes me the angriest, and at the same time allows me to stay focused. If it had been just me, I'm sure I'd be ten feet under by now.

We weren't born with a lot of options here, but God, it's ironic that even in this place, I've been able to experience unforgettable moments. You learn a lot around those who have less, and that inside even in these hardships, I am one of those who is more "comfortable".

Some even call me lucky to belong to this company. Sure, I get a check at the end of the month that is split in half just to pay the bills, and the other half is left to buy food, a dream. "You should be grateful, not everyone has the same opportunity as you", and yes of course, how can I not be grateful for being from Monday to Saturday in a small office with broken air conditioning, and that to sign a contract they asked me to give them my soul and my will to live (do not believe, it's just a metaphor, in reality, they did not ask me, they took it from me without asking me).

What are the costs of dreams? I mean, if all these people, (who are my neighbors and, in a way, I have some appreciation for them), out of the blue, a plate of food appears on their table and a guy in a black suit and a watch more expensive than the whole block, tell them to thank you, no doubt they do it without question. They have no sense of belonging, nothing to complain about their bad situation, they are just "there", not even wanting to lift a finger to change their situation.

F or wanting to think outside the box and achieve an internal change (which is the most valuable for me) is that many have the idea that I sold out, that I changed, that I am pretentious, but no, I just, I want to live normal and that she can be calm... I want to live like the people who live in the city, in the buildings surrounding my office, I want to move forward.

The most tragic comedy of it all is that right now I don't fit in anywhere. I'm shunned in the community where I live, for working in a "high society" place (at a horrendous salary), and where I work, I'm not considered part of their lineage because well, I live far from the city. It's being in limbo, but on planet earth, and with a light bill coming due.

I'm about to accomplish something big, at least in my mind I am, but the pressure is suffocating me. I need to get away from this place, which, although it saw me born and grow, can offer me nothing more than what it has already done. I must continue to evolve.

Some may claim that in the 21st century there are no social barriers, and certainly those who dare to even hint at such barbarity could not be more wrong. But make no mistake, I do not condemn those who have the most, because one day I will be like them, and I will be able to help those who have not found the way.

Nor do I criticize those who, like me, are under the shadow of difficulties, but if this life has taught me anything, it is that I cannot sit around waiting for change, but seek it for myself, without thinking about how many times I will fall, but how many times I will get up.

I have mixed feelings knowing that in the town where there is less air of hope, there are faces of children who dream of being great while living in their fantasy. Thank you universe, because you did not insist on granting innocence only to the children who live in better conditions. Still, I condemn you for taking it away faster from the children of my community.

It is already getting dark, and it is as if this place is turning off, to start a darker hour, and not because of the absence of the sun, but because of those bastards who are in charge of bringing out the bad reputation that this place has. Yes, it is easier to get a bullet in these streets at night, than a loaf of bread. Not the best example a kid could see, but that's the way it goes.

The police sirens sound at all hours, but only in the surroundings, it would be naive and risky for the police to dare to fight the thugs who live here, they prefer to ignore everything, even when the houses are flooded with filth to dispel reality.

Already sleep is overcoming me, I must get up early because I have a hard week ahead, this Sunday of rest was rather of reflection, but I am sure of one thing: I will make it, I swear I will make it

Solomon Miles, December 2019