Bridge

Freshman year

(This literally all happened like 8 years ago now, in the first chapters I was 15, a freshman, just trying to really learn who I was, I'll be writing this all literally from memories of those times so things might not be 100% how it went but from the details I can remember, I'm now 4 years graduated out of highschool, 22 and no longer living with my parents, this story will consist of my life from the summer bridge program, 9-12th years of highschool and even go into some of my life now, through out this story there will be trigger warnings for self harm, drug/alcohol use/abuse, domestic abuse, emotional/mental abuse, sexual assault, language, thoughts and talks about suicide, teen pregnancy/pregnancy loss, and just a fuck load of trauma honestly: you have been warned)

*2015-2016 school year*

The month leading up to the school year after summer bridge mostly consisted of me talking to a few of the friends I had made and my boyfriend at the time Sebastian over text. Jaylin and I hung out a few times over the rest of the summer because he lived so close to each other at the time. Also consisted of me smoking a crap ton of weed, drinking, and doing coke with my friend Rosie (RIP) at a campground my parents and I used to go to. (Yeah I was a coke head at 15 *no judging please*) My life back then was very very very tragic and only got worse for a while. By the time that month went by and school came around I smoked weed everyday multiple times a day, was on other drugs (the heaviest was coke) and drank a lot. That first day of school I wore a all time low shirt, a red and white flannel shirt, light blue colored skinny jeans, my white and black vans, the necklace Sebastian gave me with a wolf on it, and his ring we gave me when he asked me out, My hair was a reddish blonde back then and I wore a thick rounded liquid eyeliner. I walked to my bus stop and Jaylin was there along with Christian and I think one other person. I always listened to music at the bus stop and on the bus ride to school, When we pulled up to the school I met Sebastian in the courtyard, it was our first time seeing eachother in a month and I still remember the butterflies i had that day. We checked our schedules and our hearts dropped realizing we didn't have a single class together the entire year which sucked because that meant we'd only ever get to see eachother at lunch. we said our goodbyes, he gave me a kiss and went to our classes. My first class that day was Chorus I didn't know anyone in the class except Christian, he introduced me to three girls Tatiana, Alex and Thora. Tatiana and Alex were twin sisters and Thora had gone to middle school with Christian, I didn't really talk to the twins much and they only stayed in the class for about a week or two before switching out. Thora and I bonded pretty quickly, we had lunch together, and two other classes together gym/health. We became bestfriends over the next few months until about December and things kind of went to shit but I'll get into that later on. I went to my next class that was English I met two guys that were bestfriends Logen and Zach me and then became bestfriends over the next few months as well. Later that day at lunch Thora introduced me to some of her friends from middle school: Lindsey, Jessica, and Lizzie. Jessica had a senior girl named Tab sitting with her, when I first saw Tab I originally thought she was a guy and she was super cute and I instantly developed a crush on her not knowing she was a girl at first (I had no idea I was bisexual back then lol pretty much until I met her lmao) Tab ended up disappearing pretty early on into that school year to get her GED and go to trade school. over time Jessica, Lindsey, Thora and I became bestfriend, Thora introduced me to pretty much everyone I ended up being friends with that year. Everything was great I had friends, was somewhat fitting in, no one knew about my drug problems (still probably don't to this day lmao) Landen and I went to water country the first weekend after the first week of school and that's when I met Alex one of Landen's friends I had met him at summer bridge briefly but he was dating Amelia at the time so I didn't really get to know him, we became friends pretty quickly, the next week at school Alex introduced me to Thomas who became a brother and protective figure of me over the years til that went to shit (we'll get the that in a couple chapters because that was more recently in the last 3 years) After about 2 months into school Sebastian and I broke up because we just didn't get to see eachother often and just kind of love wise drifted apart we stayed bestfriends though for years, he actually saved my life that's a story for another time. after Sebastian and I broke up, a few weeks later Alex and I started dating (my mom even now as I'm married still talks about Alex 🤦🏻‍♀️) We dated for about a month and a half and that ended on somewhat bad terms for a while but we became friends again shortly afterwards and still hung out til about the middle of sophomore year. After Alex I started dating Thomas, he became very possessive very quickly and I ended it because of that but still stayed friends. After Thomas I secretly dated a guy named Joe who was a football player and I was a little emo shit back then so of course he wanted to keep it secret. That ended pretty quickly after he got back with his ex oh well. I dated my first girl after that she was a senior, her name was Taylore it didn't last long because she didn't know I had never dated girls before her. back then I was desperate for love and tried to find it anyway I could from as many people as possible (turns out in my adult life I realized I'm polyamorous lol wish I would have realized it back then) October soon came around and in my English class a new student transferred to the school and I feel head over toxic heels in love with the guy, he also ended up being in my gym block later that year. His name was Joseph and that's about when my life went to shit, He was mixed black and Asian and my mother was a racist so I had to keep that a secret from her as much as possible. turns out he was friends with a couple people I knew Devin (who's now Carley), My bestfriend Z (who I ended up dating my junior year that's a story for another chapter) and my ex Seb *I still have the necklace he gave me to this day, even though I have not talked to Sebastian in about 5 months now :(*
That Halloween in 2016 while my parents went to the campground, I stayed with my cousins (Landen) and his sister Jessie in their neighborhood that was right around the corner from Joseph's house at the time, we met up and hung out the entire night until he walked me back to my aunt's house. My aunt saw him out the window and called my mom and told her I was dating a black guy, my mom came and picked me up and screamed at me all night. She wouldn't let me go in the neighborhood unless she was with me so that I didn't meet up with him to hang out, eventually I became depressed and distant cause even though I cared about him a lot there was no point in dating him if the only time I'd ever get to see him was in gym class every other day. we still cared about eachother for a long time and were very on and off together for a few more months until alot of shot hit the fan. I was at my breaking point with ny depression and drug addiction and was considering ending it all the only person I ever really talked to about my issues was Sebastian he was getting ready for youth group with his brother, he told me to meet him there so I asked my dad to drop me off. I was a pagan at the time and a practicing witch lol and my bestfriend invited me to church so I wouldn't be alone and kill myself. He honestly saved my life that night cause I was planning on purposely ODing. I started going to church with him every Wednesday night for a few years until him and his brother stopped going just so I'd have something to look forward too. around probably February of that year, Thora who was my bestfriend had been dating this guy Noah for a little while they had broken up and he started to like me, at that point I was still sad over my break up with Joseph and just wanted attention and to feel loved (didn't even actually like him like that really) so I got together with him and he'd sneak out his house and walk to mine at night so he could hang out in my back yard. one night he came to my backyard and got slightly physical with me, started trying to come on to me so pushed him away, kicked him out my backyard and went inside and cried for hours in my room. Thora and him got back together a couple weeks later and she began to make my life at school and at home a living hell. She made up rumors about me, told the dean that I stole the hoodie she gave me, turned all my friends and Joseph completely against me, and every class I had with her she would threaten to fight me to the point every class I'd ask to go to the bathroom and instead I'd just go to the dean for most of the class and she'd get someone to get me my work and any notes from the class. gym class was the worst, I'd be isolated from my normal group of friends because of her and it got to the point that on Spring break that year when I went camping with my parents I got super drunk and high locked myself in my rv bathroom and tried to kill myself. my parents had to get their friend to almost bust down the door to get me out. after spring break was over I went back to school like nothing happened and just continued to put up with it all, it was time to pick the next years classes and I didn't know how next year would be or if she'd continued so I joined ROTC so that I would build up muscle and be able to defend myself if the time came for it. That summer I started weight lifting and strength training, I gained quite a bit of muscle. warped tour came around and I started dating a guy that lived in Chesapeake, we went on dates to concerts and water parks all summer but when school came back around it ended shortly after cause we had no time to ever see eachother cause he lived so far away.