it was only one night

chapter 1: life

a/n: cross-posted on tumblr under the same name, cross-posted on ao3 under Starlit_Dreaming. because this is an EXPLICIT fic, there will be a warning in the chapter title and under my author's notes if the chapter contains any rated scenes.

this fic was written almost 2 years ago and was only posted as a wip on tumblr (it's still incomplete), and was intended to be a one-shot. however, i thought it was a shame to keep the story all to myself so i've decided to say fuck it and make this a multi-chapter fanfic.

i'd like to give lithi and ilyusha a shout out for always getting my hyped up to work on this story, back when i was still actively writing it. it always made me eager to make another post thanks to you two for always commenting <3

i post on tumblr first, ao3 second, and wattpad third!

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i. life

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Admittedly, her relationship with Lucas is strange.

She likes to think of him as a friend, and he most certainly feels like a best friend that she's known for years. A very attractive friend, but nevertheless, a friend. For Lucas, it took more time for him to open up to her and be comfortable enough with sharing the bare minimum, but she likes to think that they see one another in a similar light now. She likes to think that by now, they know how the other operates.

And it's because of this fact that when she shows up at his apartment, she knows that he'll take this visit seriously, that Lucas knows her well enough to immediately pick up on her anxiety.

(Athanasia isn't quite sure if she's pleased by that fact, but the fact he's able to know does have its uses.)

She wonders if she has bags under her eyes from lack of sleep as she thought of a hundred names all through the dead of night, or if her eyes were still puffy red from crying from the realization that she'll never be alone, not ever again. Her face was undoubtedly pale since the day before — she knows because Helena was the one to buy the pregnancy test for her while she was busy dealing with her morning sickness and her best friend commented on it.

Regardless, Lucas can be awkward when it comes to situations where it looks like she's about to cry. She knows it, she sees it in the way he jolts, shoulders tense when her nervous smile falls away. It's actually really cute, to watch him try to fuss over her as awkwardly as he tries — Helena had a point about Lucas, back when they first started at the firm, but she would never admit it to her. Then, as she follows him into his apartment's kitchen, he tries to offer her coffee, a sign that he's trying to be hospitable when teasing would undoubtedly worsen the situation, only to be confused when she shakes her head because he knows that even if she favours tea more, she prefers coffee in the morning when she isn't in a pleasant mood.

The doctor said it was fine to drink coffee and tea, but to keep it a limited amount due to the caffeine content. In fact, it would've been better to avoid it overall, but Athanasia couldn't handle life without her beloved lippe tea. She's been drinking a little decaf tea, which has been nice, but it still has traces of caffeine in that, too. Coffee would just be too much for the day, and the smell of coffee was a little nauseating, thanks to the morning sickness.

It's quiet, as they both sit down. She stares at the table, her purse feeling heavy, and he stares at her, his weight-filled gaze an anchor, a reminder. Because she remembers that night — it happened a few months ago. She remembers how he murmured softly against her hair, the way he stared at her with a softened gaze. He still looks at her gently and softly, but he doesn't hold her in his arms at night after what happened.