MileApo : Catching Feelings

eleven

Apo was panicking. He had no idea what he should do. He switched between yanking his hair, shaking his head, and pacing the length of the guest room. Restless was an understatement for his current state.

What was I thinking!?

Of course! I wasn't thinking.

Why don't you have better control over yourself Apo?

He sat down on the edge of the bed and tucked his head between his knees. He could hear his heart beating at a thousand miles per hour, which only added to his uneasiness. He began pacing the room once again.

Fuck Apo! You don't kiss people like that!

You don't kiss someone out of the blue like that! You don't do that Apo!

But he kissed me back. A hopeful side of him tried to reason.

Of course, he kissed you back! Mile is a polite guy... he didn't want to make a fool out of you! It didn't mean anything more to him than those in front of the camera.

Thoughts came at him like bullets on a battlefield, each one more brutal than the last. He was furious with himself for having acted without reasoning. How was he supposed to face Mile again? What should he say to him in the morning? It was bound to be uncomfortable. They had a good friendship going on and Apo just had to wreck it all by letting go of his rationality for a few minutes.

No! Stop! Shut up!...

I shouldn't be doing this.

He hunched down on the edge of the mattress and tried to calm his racing mind. It was an arduous task, but he was being harsh to himself again, he'd promised himself before that he would give up that habit. His anger towards himself wasn't allowing him to see the situation properly. Apo tried taking in deep breaths.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale...

Exhale.

No, it wasn't helping. He felt too constricted in that room. He decided to get some air and strode outside to the backyard. The night air was cool, a light breeze caressed his skin as he stepped outside into the moonlit night. He stood there and inhaled the fresh air, gradually feeling better in the open space. Mile's backyard was lined with trees and well-maintained plants, the nature around helped to soothe his mind. Apo gazed up at the waxing moon, partly concealed between the clouds, illuminating them with an eerie glow. He filled his lungs with fresh air and attempted the breathing exercise once again.

He propped himself up on the picnic table and sat cross-legged. Apo needed to meditate. It would be difficult, considering that his thoughts kept insisting to be acknowledged. But he needed to meditate in order to acknowledge them properly. Or else he would only hurt himself by resorting to simple thinking once again.

Apo let his mind focus on everything, starting from himself and reaching out before coming back to closer quarters again, tuning out everything one by one. Starting with the deep breaths, in and out... in and out, the motion of the rising of his chest. The crickets that sang nearby, indistinct sounds from the city, the sound of thunder from somewhere afar, the hum of the air conditioning, the sound of the leaves moving in the wind, and back to his vitality.

He began humming, a flat pitch that surrounded him, and let his thoughts rest on it. The sound, how it vibrated, how it steadied itself until finally, his thoughts were only about the sound. Nothing else. He was completely relaxed and in a state of equilibrium. Gradually, his humming ebbed into silence and he let his thoughts wander from the focal point.