Leaves (Creek) (South Park)

Chapter Two: Hazy

They say there is beauty in suffering, but I never saw it. It wasn't present in his hollow eyes, his sunken cheeks, nor was it lingering in his papier-mâché smile. Personally, it looked draining, cold and starving, like marble with human touch. It seeps the very warmth from your fingers and rattles your soul like a rock tumblr. That is my impression of what I left behind, what was left to decay.

And decay it did. Every year, I watched as another piece of him fell into fragments, and those fragments scattered like stardust. What was the point of being birthed from the ruins of dead star cycles, the point of existing only to destroy yourself in the end? Maybe that is why I could never look away from his destruction. He was in all aspects the most brilliant super nova I had ever seen.

My gravitational pull towards him, is not strong enough to knock me out of orbit. I have my friends, circling me, and what is he by extension, but a dwarf planet, not even recognized by nasa? I have always had a soft spot for Pluto, and any other planets that are not named in a recognizable manner. If he is Pluto, then what am I but Mercury? Lost in the order, left to burn while I left him to freeze.

Its silly, how fickle the human mind is, its memory ever changing and ever fading in and out like the way a fire burns holes through a paper before demolishing it fully. As terrible as it may sound, I cant remember what words I used to push him away. I cant recall anything, but the way his expression shattered, his lower lip wobbled, the way his eyes became glassy at the same time they became dull.

How did he think, I wonder. What did his mind conjure up in my absence for him to avoid me to this day? I don't visit the coffee shop, I wouldn't know what to say. What could I say? That his eyes still glitter like the billions of stars in the vastness of space? Im sure with the time apart, they've extinguished, but I wouldnt know. He never looks in my eyes, never in my direction.

It's silly to think that he may have forgotten me when unintentionally, I have obsessed with him since the day I broke things off- since before that. No. Thats not true. I know he hasn't forgotten me, I just don't know what he thinks of me, how he views me still. Am I someone he hopes to never see, or sometimes, does he look for me? I search for him always, in the stars and in the books of astronomy.

I find him no where but in the haze of that day, that memory of patchwork. What did I say to him, that broke him like that? I can't recall, but I wish I could. I cant take back words that I dont remember, and he wont listen to hear me take them back anyways. There is no solace, and there is no sleep, not peaceful sleep anyways.

My dreams only consist of flashes of blonde hair, and vivid green eyes, so surreal, so out of reach. I cant even keep a guinea pig anymore, not without guilt. My last one, though well loved, died without ever knowing of him, and I cant stand to put another one through that. I need him back, but I cant have him back, I wont.

Everyone in this shithole town has moved on from us, except me. I can't let him go at the same time I cant have him. Admittedly, I'm not okay when we are together. I cant focus on anything but him, his smile and the very way he breaths, but I wonder if its worse now that I cant see them. Is it worse to obsessively day dream about the very thing I destroyed? Absolutely.
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The sound of the bell is bizarre, its an off sounding tune somewhere between a scream and a sob, and it always startles the people around me. They rouse from their seats and gather their books and pens in the same black and white fashion. Old news. "Didn't you hear? They newspaper club is going to get shut down if people don't start reading their work more. I hear they are offering a cash reward to anyone who can find them a good story for their main headline. Seems its getting dry. Im counting on it to close down because then the money for their club goes to sports and we could really use some new helmets," Clyde announces, and for a moment, Im not sure hes talking to me. Theres not a single reason for me to give a shit about that.

The school had no astronomy club, and I never played any sports. Maybe I wouldve if the people weren't so annoying. I raise a brow, slinging my back pack on my shoulder. "So?" I question him, and he frowns, "I thought youd be interested in the cash prize at least. You could do an article on your space obsession or something."

I stare at him for moment, because there is nothing in this world that could possibly make me want to do that. "No, I don't care if they offered me three fucking wishes, that sounds like a pain in the ass," I sighed, heading to my next class. The halls are buzzing with that news like its important or something. It just sounds depressing to me. Why couldn't they let their club die in peace? Why make it a whole ordeal?

I rounded the corner, heading to take a piss before the next class, but Im nearly stopped in my tracks. Tweek is sitting outside of the bathroom, his head on his knees, and his body trembling unnaturally. The urge to ask him if he's okay, to touch his soft hair and comfort him is so strong, but I know I should pretend I didn't see him though. I need to ignore him, and go to the bathroom.

I don't.