Putting The Pieces back Together

Putting The Pieces Back Together PT5

Ava 41

Sinking.

Lying in this bed is starting to feel a lot like sinking. The numb feeling that I had the first week is gone, replaced with a tired emptiness. Everything I was trying to sleep away is still here. It's raging even in my slumber. As soon as I wake it's there, hovering over the side of the bed. I'm back to a place of feeling nothing at all...while feeling everything at once. I'm stuck.

I'm sinking.

"I brought you some lunch." Rachel slides a tray onto the nightstand. She's been bringing me food every day for the past week and a half. She brings me breakfast at 9:30, lunch at 1, a snack at 2, and dinner at 6:30. She comes in with the same enthusiasm as before, even though I hardly eat.

"Why are you here?" It's the first words I've spoken in a week.

"Truthfully?" She huffs, flopping onto the bed. I assume her question is rhetorical, because who doesn't want the truth?

"I have no idea. At first I stayed because I missed my flight...but then I stayed because of Chad. Maybe it was fate..." Her eyes slide to mine shyly, and I'm surprised she'd think I'd judge her...in my position. I'd have no right.

"I meant why are you here. Helping me."

"I don't know. When I met you, I felt bad."

"Yeah, well, I don't need your pity." I turn over angrily. I don't know why I spoke.

"No, no not like that. It's just...I've had an...interesting life too." Interesting. That's a new take on how my life has been going. Interesting. "And when I saw you, bags overflowing, Aiden in hand, I knew we were kindred spirits." She laughs nervously. "Have you ever seen someone and just thought, damn, we'd probably be good friends?" I don't even bother turning around because I'm finished talking.

"Anyway, I'm here. I wouldn't feel right leaving you to mope in here without food and water." She laughs again; this time it's genuine.

I haven't turned my phone on since I left. I miss Aiden. I feel guilty leaving him. I can only hope that my mom is taking care of him. It's funny how we switched places. All those years I judged her...all the times I was angry because she wasn't trying. I get it now. She was trying. It probably took all she could do to even open her eyes in the morning. I was selfish. I compared my loss of a sister to her loss of a child. They're not the same. She created something beautiful and it was taken away. She spent years in her bed. Wallowing. She wasted parts of herself hoping for a change that would never come. Aching for relief that never seemed to come. I want relief. I yearn for the ignorance I was so blissfully living in. I want to look in the mirror and recognize myself. I don't want to be my like my mother. I don't want to hope. I want to heal no matter how fucked up of a scar it leaves. But how do you heal from a scar that isn't visible? How the fuck can you fix everything that's shifted inside? Every second is dedicated to this pain. It's needy and demanding. It wants everything I have.

I can't do it. I thought I'd never feel like I did that night. I thought I'd never feel as bottomless as I do in this exact moment. I thought that if I ever came close to hurting like I did then, I'd be stronger. But I'm not. I'm weak. I'm so weak. I'm fighting these demons that won't leave without something to show for it. I'm clawing my way through my sanity. Obsessing over every question I don't have the answer to...and every question that's already been answered. I can't shake it.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, hurts as bad as this. Nothing.

Days bleed into one another. They all feel the same when you're holed up. You don't see the sun rise or set...you don't see the other life forms and their productivity. No, all you have to go by is the few hours of escape you hold on to every night. If you're lucky, you get the average eight. Everything feels the same. So bland. So crushing. When you wake, it feels pointless. When you're asleep, it's like you're falling forever. You're just waiting to hit the bottom, to wake up again. And sometimes you wish you didn't have to wake up the next morning. Sometimes you wish you could get a few days to shut off everything. To not think. To not feel. You want to be angry, but you don't want to feel it, because feeling it only leads to sadness. I've been circling the same emotions, the same feelings for days, and it's tiring. I'm tired. And for the first time, I think I want to fall asleep forever. Guilt hits me instantly. And I banish the thought. I couldn't leave Aiden like that. I wouldn't leave Aiden like that.