Nina Gurzsky (Magneto's daughter)

4. The Ghosts in Our Room

Chapter 4 :

The Ghosts in our Room

Erik Lensherr ,

One day in December in 1989 ,

It was one of those days . Or to be precise : it was one of those nights. The ones that you spend awake , while the whole world is asleep .

The whole world is asleep , but there you are awake with the darkness in the night and its dangers. Its nightmares. Your nightmares. Even though , they're not dreams you jsut see, you can feel them , you can hear them , you can sense their presennse in the room. In your room your nightmares take a different shape. A shape that causes a slow but cruel chill down your spine . You can feel all the screams , all the pain , everything that makes you want to throw yourself out of the window. You can feel all of it. And damn, it kills you inside , it kills every part of your body.

People never really got what I was trying to tell them . They never did. Always , but always , somehow they'd interpret my words in such a way, which they thought that they understood what I was saying. They only thought so , though. They never really looked deeply in my words , just like I always did with what they had to say. All of these years , I've been trying so hard to show them that you have to look deeply in someone's words , and not just making whatever you want to hear out of it. But they don't understand and then they start calling you many names : Cruel. Or a fool. Or a monster . Or the villain of their story. Because they weren't listening what you were saying . Not really. Why? Because they don't care. They simply don't. They don't . All they care about is their lifes, their stories , their words. Not yours.

Now that I've spent many years of my precious life , I've realised that no one will care about your problem . Unless, of course, it's their problem too. Many years ago I thought that I had people that were listening to me. But those people now, are either dead or my problems aren't theirs , anymore.

However , how I wish that they were here. Allf of them , the ones that no longer are with us , even those with whom we don't share problems. How I wish they were here , in this room , instead of my nightmares. But even my nightmares are about them , so i think that I don't just wish they were here. I wish that they were not here in that way , the way that keeps me awake at night. People say that ghosts aren't real.

Oh , but they are , they are ... And you know what are they called? Memories. They don't hurt you , they just don't allow you to feel at peace. However here's the thing about those ghosts: they put you in a vicious circle. Because you wish like hell that they were real , that they weren't just your past, but on the other hand , what's left of them right here causes such a huge amount of pain that you wish they weren't even that. You wish that they weren't even in your past. That they hadn't existed. But still if you asked me right now , what I would choose between not having spent my years with those ghosts or not , I still wouldn't be able to answer. I don't think I ever could.

I have been thinking of that question : would I want to make all of these ghots go away? Would I want my family away? Would I want my wife away ? My baby ? My friends? My best friend?

No, perhaps

Even though that would mean that they wouldn't exist as ghosts in my head that make me feel like giving up everything, that make me want to shed my eyes out from the tears that circle my eyes every night, make me want to start running and running from them hoping they'd go away, or turn me into the monster in someone's story .

Still, I want them . I want all of them . Not as ghosts , not a as memories . I want them with me . I want my wife here , my Magda, I want to smell her scent again , the scent of wood and snow. I want her here in my embrance , in my bed where we first felt our bodies as one , I want her here with her calming presence that always made everything better and brought me peace.