Dear Luke...

Fanzoned

"He didn't save your life. He doesn't even know you exist."
That's what hurts the most. He has no idea who I am, even though he is my entire world. He did save my life. No, he wasn't there at 3am when I was crying. But all the I love you's and thank you's made up for it. No, he doesn't know how many times a day I tweet him. But I know he knows he's loved. And even though he won't ever see my messages, I still feel special because I'm a little part of the reason he smiles. He won't ever see me as more than just a fan. While in my mind, I can imagine a life with him. A life with no worries, where I can be myself, where I'm actually happy. I can't live in a fantasy forever though. Sometime, reality will hit me. It'll hit me hard when he finds somebody who he really loves. When everything I ever felt for him, he will feel for that person. That somebody won't be me, but he'll be happy. And that's all that matters right? Because his happiness is mine. Or that's how it should be. It'll hurt, a lot. But I can't do anything about it. I tried. I stayed up all through the night tweeting him, hoping he would follow me and realize I exist. Hoping he would see one of my tweets and realize how much he really means to me. He never did though. I would wear a shirt with him on it in public or to school, getting dirty looks and rude remarks from anybody and everybody. But I still wore the shirt anyway because it helped me express what I live for. I would camp out for days on the street, hoping to get front row at one of his concerts. Hoping that being right in front of him might help my dreams come true. I would wait at an airport for hours, waiting for him to arrive. To at least take a picture with me or let me say "hi" or "I love you". But he would sneek out the back because along with me were 300 other girls with the same story. All I really want is the little things. To hear "I love you" and it go to ME, rather than just another fan in line. All I really want is for him to know I exist and for me to know I mean something to the person who meant everything to me.
~Just a fan