QUEEN [EXPLICIT;QUEER;UNORTHODOX]

Chapter [2]

I was most broken here. I allowed it -- I also fed into it. 

I had contemplated suicide a number of times.

I didn't have much of a plan other than knowing I wanted to take "everyone" by surprise. You'd never suspect me to go out like that. 

I was here I experienced my shadow side  The me that was un-evovled. The me I never wanted to be, but needed the chance to see..

I ascended..I survived..

----

 The Story

I keep reflecting and asking myself when did I officially accept that I was "in love", but I have come to see that I have accepted it only recently.

I was..

"On a scale of one to ten

How badly do you wanna break up?

If it's less than seven, come on over

And let's just, let's just, let's just make love"

-"Elle Varner" 1 to 10"

We didn't wanna leave each other alone..

Even when that was offered up as a solution to a seemingly never ending cycle it went ignored -- We always found ways around it.

"You left such and such at my house." Became miniscule in our game of tug-a-war. We both wanted to see who would be the chaser though no one was really running.

"This is what you needed huh!?"

"You missed me huh?!"

"I missed her so much.."

"Make yo ass act right."

Her favorite statements to me after we'd made our way back to each other somehow. I had lost count at this point.

The way she fucked me, and blamed my "attitude" on her absence of intimacy dead ass made me question if that was the actual problem.

After sex our relationship improved.

It would shift from 0 to 100 real quick. Though we still had heated and underlying issues -- sex seemed to be a temporary fix for an accelerated amount of time.

She was addicted to me, as I was to her.

I always questioned how we got there because she showed up in my life at the right time to save me from abuse, as well as introducing me to traditional breakage, and I saved her from herself, and introduced her to independence.

I reflect back and think about all the times we spent together. We vibrated highly. We had quite a few situations where our energy was complimented.

We went well together -- like a pair of old comfortable shoes.

"Can't take you nowhere. Always getting us attention." She laughed shoving me while I danced to the song playing over the intercom in the store.

It was well past 11pm and we were in the freezer aisle trying to find something to cook.

She was a foodie as much as I was, and matched my crazy as much as she teased me about it.

She grabbed my waist and we both started moving in motion together.

I moved in for a kiss, and she shook her head. "We won't make it home if you kiss me."

I smile, "Bet."

She laughed, "Come on, Man. We planned to cook."

That was us, but those moments quickly began to fade, and the fighting started.

"THIS IS FUCKING DRAINING! I NEED SPACE FROM YOU!" She would snap at me immediately saying that I was a distraction. She couldn't get anything done, and I was the only one in her life that threw her off this badly.

"WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS FUCKING BLAMING ME FOR YOU NOT HAVING YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!?" I would always rebuttal.

This was a recurring argument. An argument that is still unsolved, never to be resolved at least not between us..

I was somewhere in-between fighting, and often feeling defeated.

I would cry in her absence just as much as I would cry in her presence. The light at the end of the tunnel with her seemed to be so close, yet so far.

Being involved with her made me feel like I was trying to breathe underwater, and according to her she felt like she couldn't breathe at all.

It always seemed as if I was waiting for her. Waiting for her to leave or waiting for her to come back.

Even when I thought I wasn't waiting I still was.

There were several moments where I would force the space, and she would increasingly become more persistent.

There were many times when her eyes would burn straight through me, and I would blatantly ignore her gaze because I knew I'd lose every time if I didn't, and she knew this too.

Soon as I found myself losing, she would leave. So I stopped letting her win so to speak. Her persistence was always so strong in these moments. It was hard to fight.

Did I want this?

Did she want this?

Why did it matter?

Why does she keep doing this?

"Just do it Tai." my ego always ushered me.

This isn't the kind of relationship I want in any context.

This isn't the kind of situation I want

I don't want this.

I'm unhappy.

I began to tell myself this everyday, and our time spent together was reduced to fewer things. I found myself either fucking her, ignoring her, or shared mutual support

My soul would scream for me to stop fucking her. She started to make me feel sick spiritually, and emotionally.

She was the ONLY one I was giving my body to for 48 months, and yet she had crowded her own with people in-between. The problem wasn't that.

The omitted truth was.

She would evade the truth, constantly deeming it to be unnecessary.

"I feel empty." I told her bluntly one day. Following this she pushed me away forcefully.

This sent me spiraling into a deep depression. I felt used, unwanted, and undeserving.

I told her I hated her, and all she said was "I know."

I started working on myself deeply. Purging, shadow work, spiritual welfare, anything I could do to shift the energy I did it.

I was determined.

She returned three months after her absence apologizing with sex, her actions, and her words.

I had become less receptive. She noticed

and bowed out gracefully

"I forgive myself. I forgive you. Our memories are beautiful. I will always love you. I will always wish the best for you. Goodbye Tai."

"And I you. Rise Queen. Goodbye to you too."

"In the process of letting go you may lose many things, but in this you may find yourself.."

_Bsoul