QUEEN [EXPLICIT;QUEER;UNORTHODOX]

Chapter [4]

This situation displays my attachment style, as well as my challenged love language. Which I had no idea existed at this time because I wasn't trying to love.

I was a fresh 21. I was also fresh out of a four year hetero relationship. I enjoy the relationship, but it had run its course.

Seemed like whenever I got out of hetero relationship I would judge the "appropriate" or "healthy" amount of time that I needed to release my energy from that past person, or situation, but when I wasn't in a hetero relationship I would genuinely allow myself to heal, feel, and move on.

There have been two hetero relationship in my past that did me a great deal of damage internally, but that is not this chapter.

Within this chapter a mix of things was going on.

The story

"You'd be my Queen if I was your man."

I smiled big. I was amused. "Why do you have to be a man for me to be your Queen?"

Truth be told. I knew at her mature age this wasn't something she wanted to display publicly, nor was it "normal" at this day in age to have a romantic relationship of sorts, especially with a woman.

"You know how the world is." was all she said "I know." I agreed with her.

It was this and many other conversations we tipped toed around because we were at work, and because she was married. Unhappily, but still. I couldn't take her words as seriously as she wanted me to.

There were too many obstacles that I wasn't going to be willing to overlook, or conquer. I already had decided in my head that I could entertain the moments, and that was all she would get from me other than friendship.

I had since concluded that this was what this relationship would entail.

"Here he comes." She spoke of the supervisor. Always all dressed up in white. A doctor's lab coat paired with scrubs. "He is only coming in here because of you." I chuckled. There was a rumor about him and I.

The top three were;

1) I was fucking him inside the patient rooms

2) I was his Mistress. [ He had a whole family.]

3) We left work every morning to go to a hotel.

None of them were true. The only truth the NO-ONE knew of was that I had kissed him in an empty room, but no one saw us. I made sure of this when I asked him to come here.

I did it for two reasons.

 1) He had some really nice lips, and I wanted to feel them.

2) I knew he would let me. Simple.

The kiss lasted all of 30 seconds. It was mediocre for me. I wasn't turned on by it. I shrugged it off and kept it pushing.

This had been two years ago now and he was still swooning over it somehow, and often said I was playing hard to get, but I wasn't playing anything. I didn't wanna be "got." So I didn't entertain that availability.

I got up as he entered the dining area she and I were sitting in. I'm sure he expected to talk with me.

I wasn't feeling very talk-a-tive, and that was why rumors had surfaced in the first place because whenever we did talk his eyes paired with that big ass grin in my direction told our secret.

He made it so obvious coming to visit me when I was on other patient halls, as well as making sure to continually put me on his own.

I myself would have thought I was doing all that with him. I didn't know how to stop the rumors other than keeping to myself and limiting all interaction I had with him, but I digress.

Back to my original point –

to be honest here I'm not even sure what led things to spiral with her in this direction. I believe it most did because we were just there for each other through work shit, personal shit, and bullshit.

She started to come undone a bit here and there so I followed suit. It's something about a woman's sensual nature that really cultivates me.

I love the playfulness..

I started coming to work smelling high key good, as well as looking it too. I wasn't sure how to go about her.

Her energy asked me to be submissive, but I didn't feel comfortable doing that with her. So, I just stayed neutral.

It was something about our relationship that made me feel uneasy. I now realize that "uneasiness" was fear of many things.

I allowed things to spiral. Late night conversations that served us both mentally. Lots of grabbing ass, and flirting. A kiss I enjoyed more than I had with our supervisor, but I refused to voice this -- at least not outwardly.

It was too much so I pulled away. I had come to the conclusion that I was finding too much enjoyment out of something that was temporary, and what if her nigga found out?

She reassured me he knew how she was, but if that was the truth why were we sneaking around at work?!

I pushed away mad hard. I cut my losses, and sometime later watched her cry in the bathroom to me about how much she loved me, and wanted things to work out between us somehow.

I was lost because when had love formed for her?

I stepped way back, and time brought us back together several years after that, but the relationship itself didn't deem its worth. 

So I released it.

Ignorance can be an excuse, but because we all have an opportunity to ask questions we should, be it openly or inwardly. While it is okay to be ignorant, to do so willingly is an issue that can cause mental corrosion.

I say this now, but during this moment I did not ask questions. I allowed it when I should have responded..

The questions that needed answers and attention I overlooked because I enjoyed the excitement, but consequences always follow your actions as well as reactions.

-B