this is a public diary and vent I guess

IM FREAKING THE FUCK OUT

So last night I had a dream that I was in line at the post office gift shop in new York and my whole family was at the front of the line and I was in the middle and we lived in new York for some reason and my mom said to me common hurry up and get over here and I'm like ugh whatever mom I don't want to do I sat down at a white table in the middle of the store with racks around it and I go on my phone also it was snowing and a few minutes later a two boys come up to me and I was like do I know you and then it hit me it was my elementary school best friend who I confessed my love to in 4th grade and he started hateing me but at the table he was so not a stick like he's really skinny irl and he said that he wanted me and I woke up in the middle of the night abd I was trying to figure out who the ither guy was and I forgot and I just remembered about the dream while I was doing the dishes and in the dream I know I knew him but why am I so sad why do I miss him last time we had an interaction was at the beginning of 7th grade when he started riding the bus again and a kid I knew yelled at me to take my headphones off so I did and he said hey h/n is back (he had been gone for a year) and h/n was smiling at me and he was cuter than I remembered and I ruined it I thought he was just playing with my emotions like he did when we were younger but his smile I couldn't tell if it was devious or nice and now I can't stop thinking what if he was being nice and I just glared at him and ignored him but he probably didn't want anything to do with me but he was my best friend for years and I got a second chance and I ruined it I ruined it but it is what it is and I'll never see him again when I was little I used to think I was in love with him and we had a weird really really weird relationship like he was always sitting on me or cuddling with me or hitting me or throwing stuff at me and I was a kid so don't judge me for this part but for 2 years I used to tell people he was my ex bf and I just lie about shit for no reason and something I get too deep and it's to late to back out but I promised myself I will stop and I have been trying and I know my friends are gonna see this but oh well I never lied about like bad stuff and if I did I would tell them later and sometimes I believe my own lies or don't relise I lied until I did and I'm living in delusion even when I'm in the real world and your probably like what do you mean well I have a pretend world in my head where I'm in control and I have had it ever since I was in 4th or 5th grade and recently I have relised that it's not healthy for me because I will waste days and days away in it and sometimes the people in there try to control me and so I have tried to stop going there but I can't but I think when school starts I'll be to busy to go there but still at night I'm always gonna go there until I fall asleep and I guess that's just the way it is but also I have way to much of an emotional attachment to these people in there and I like to pretend it's real and I have a partner who loves me and I love them and sometimes they come into the real world and comfort me and I think that's why I gotta stop because that's like crazy people shit and don't even get me started on all the other shit that's going on in my mind but I can't say it in here because my friends already know kinda and I don't want to traumatize some random person and I hope I didn't traumatized my friends but I don't know if I did because I have never told them the full of it and only little bits at a time and I think at this point they just brush it off and I have been trying to not vent without permission and I haven't in a long time because I used to think it was okay but now I have been educated and it's not like they haven't traumatized me either and your probably like your just throwing that word around no I'm not but it's okay because I deserve it but anyways I had to delete tik tok because it's so bad for me and it's so triggering some of the videos so I started using YouTube reels so I can pace in circles to music on the edits and now I mostly just get family guy clips and I love it but I gotta stop because it's gonna be addicted anyway I love Louis she's so sexy and I love thinkibg about beating up quagmire