Citrus: Mei's Story vol. 6 - Wondering Heart

IV. Displays of Commitment

We stayed there with Yuzu on her knees and sobbing into my clothes for a good half hour. Just as I was about to ask her why she was crying, Yuzu rose to her feet. She wiped her eyes with her sleeve, collected her things, and disappeared into our room. I just watched her go in silence. There was too much pain in her eyes. I didn't want to make it worse on her.
      Yuzu... what happened to you?!
I had already thrown out all the fears that had Yuzu at fault. What I saw was a girl in pain blaming herself for something that was done to her. That terrified me. Matsuri's warning flooded my mind with the very worst of humanity doing their best to break my girlfriend. I don't know how long I stood there before the door opened once more and a silent Yuzu wandered into the bathroom and started a shower. I didn't dare go to her. Instead I went into the common room and prepared food for us. When she got out of the shower however, she apparently went right to bed. I ate my dinner and used Yuzu's as the contents of her lunch. As I was cleaning up, the apartment door opened. I rushed to the common room door, worried that Yuzu was leaving. Instead I nearly got hit as Mother burst into the room right before I got to the door.
"Did she come home?!"
"Didn't you have a date?"
      She put down her bag and waved my question away with a hand.
"After our conversation I tried calling Yuzu and didn't get through. So my date gave me her number and told me to call her when I had made sure you two were okay."
"Well, she did come home, but..."
        Something happened.
"But?"
"She went straight to bed."
"Did she say anything?"
         Something happened and it broke her.
"I think you should make some tea, and I think it might need something additional to it."
I gave her a knowing look. Her mouth opened but she closed it and nodded before she went to make tea while I finished cleaning up from dinner. As soon as we were both ready, Mother and I sat at the table with the tea in hand. I took a deep sip without thinking and felt like I nearly coughed up my insides as something other than tea burned as it hit my throat.
        "Careful, this is particularly strong."
        "What is it?!"
        "You don't really want to know yet."
         I looked at the spiked tea with trepidation before I carefully took another sip.
        "So, what happened?"
         I took a deep breath before launching into as concise an explanation as I could possibly manage with as little actual information that I had on hand.
        "She's not cheating on me, but she was doing something that she kept secret. I don't think she was doing anything bad. When she came home... she... I never saw her crying like that before. She couldn't stop and just kept saying she was sorry. And it wasn't the type of crying or apology that sounded like she did something. It sounded like she was apologising because she couldn't stop something from happening and felt guilty. She then grabbed her things and went to bed after taking a shower."
          I found myself trembling as I spoke. In my mind it was an ongoing montage of all the worst things I could imagine, including seeing Yuzu in my place during some of the worst of the abuse I suffered and having that same look that Matsuri and I shared. It was unending and I wasn't just imagining it. I could feel the touch and smell of those men. But I heard Yuzu and I saw it as her in my mind. I took another big drink and this time it felt good to have that burn in my throat and weird warm sensation in my gut. Mother placed a hand on top of my own.
         "Mei..."
         "I just... I can't stop thinking she was grabbed by a man on the train, or some college boys got drunk and stopped her in an alley, or some man pulled her into a car and then... and then..."
        Made her like me and Matsuri...
        "What if they touched her, or forced her to..."
         I couldn't bring myself to say it and ended up looking at my cup. Mother slammed a fist on the table, causing me to jump and look up at her.
        "You can't think that. You can't think about them. You promised me that we would move on from what happened to you."
        "But it's possible—"
        "Then you let me worry about those possibilities. I don't have the scars you do."
        Still, I know that sort of crying, I used to see it in the mirror at our family home.
        "But—"
        "No, I'm the mother here and I'm going to be the one protecting my girls. So you don't worry about those things and causing yourself more pain. Did she look physically hurt or in a mess?"
        I took another sip of my drink and sighed.
        "Other than crying and ruining her makeup, no. But that doesn't—"
        "And she said nothing to you about what happened?"
        "No. I told you, she said sorry and went to bed."
        At my words Mother took another drink and then seemed to think for a moment before she finally nodded to herself.
        "Then we wait."
        "What?!"
        I can't do that! I need to make this right somehow!
        "We wait for her to tell us what happened when she's ready. Understood?"
         I sighed in resignation and then nodded to her expectant face.
         "Yes, Mother."
         "Good girl. Now go be with your girlfriend. I imagine that despite her tears, she will want you there with her."
        I finished my tea and left the common room. Instead of going right to shower and change, I peeked in on Yuzu. In the darkness of our room I could hear her crying. It broke my heart. Her sobbing face haunted me as I bathed and I found myself crying along with her. Not tears of sorrow or joy or guilt. I cried tears of futility. My Yuzu was hurting, and there was nothing I could do but wait for her to get better enough to tell me what was wrong. I was so happy that she made it home, but now came something I hadn't ever expected. My girlfriend was hurting in a way that seemed so familiar and yet so alien. It was up to me to help her get through it.
       Once I was finished in the shower, I changed into my pyjamas and made my way to our room. There wasn't any crying that I could hear but her back was to the door so I wasn't sure if she had actually stopped or had fallen asleep and wasn't going to make any sounds. I took a deep breath and let it out before I entered our room and shut the door. I moved around the bed as silently as possible and that's when I noticed it. Next to her bag there was a small shopping bag. I couldn't read the label in the darkness but I had a feeling that I shouldn't touch it until she brought it up. It was connected to everything somehow, but I couldn't even begin to imagine what was in it or if it was something she was given or planned to give to me or someone else. It was just a tiny bag full of more questions than could possibly fit. I continued around to my side of the bed. With the weather heating up for summer, we had stopped sleeping under the covers instead we took the blankets from our futons and used those instead. It was a simple trick to allow us to stay comfortable in each other's arms as it got warmer and warmer. I slipped into my side and faced Yuzu. She looked so peaceful and yet there was a ragged sorrow in her face. I scooted myself closer and caressed her cheek as I put my forehead next to hers.
        "I'm here, Yuzu. I'll always be here. It's alright. We can get through whatever happened. I don't blame you. So please, just tell me what happened so I can help fix it."
        I wrapped myself around her as I kissed her forehead. It was the opposite of our typical situation, but this was a unique night. She needed it more than I did. As I fell asleep with her in my arms, I was surprised at how soft and light she felt. The next morning I awoke well before Yuzu. For the longest time I just stared at her sleeping face and wondered if I should wake her. It was tempting to do so with a kiss, but I wasn't confident about how she would react. And so I just stared for a moment before I slid out of my side of the bed. I got ready as quietly as I could while checking on her periodically. I met Mother for breakfast in the common room and she seemed a little less verbal than normal. I could only assume she shared my headache on a greater level. As we ate she had me drink a very strange concoction that relieved most of my pain and nausea.
       "How is she?"
       "Sleeping at the moment. She stayed close and quiet all night."
       "Let her rest today. Hope she'll make it to school today, but I won't push it."
       "Agreed. She needs to sleep and recover."
       We continued eating in silence for a while but then something came to mind.
       "You should call that woman and see if she's available tonight."
       "Mei..."
       "I'll look after Yuzu. I doubt she'll disappear again. And..."
       I sighed.
       "What?"
       "We have an important test today. If she misses it, she'll be put into the summer program. She's been doing so well recently and this would probably demoralise her more."
       "Can you do anything?"
       "I'll see if I can get it deferred but it's not likely. She might just wake up in time, but... I'll leave a note and if she's feeling up to it I'll see her at school."
       Mother gripped her chopsticks as if they were daggers.
       "It'll be okay."
       "If someone touched my baby girl..."
       This is definitely a switch from last night.
       "If that's the case, they will be dealt with and we'll help her recover. But for right now we focus on her."
       She nodded and put down her chopsticks.
       "Go out tonight. Have fun and tell your date that your daughter and her girlfriend are doing alright."
        "Promise me you'll not push her before she's ready."
        "I promise, I'll see if Maruta has any information about anything that happened. Hopefully nothing will come up with Yuzu. If anything, I want to give Yuzu as much time as she needs to heal."
        "Okay. Then I'll see you both tomorrow."
        We finished our breakfast and both went our separate ways. Just before I left, I tore out a page from one of my notebooks and put a reminder for the test by Yuzu's school bag just in case she woke in time. The small shopping bag caught my eye and I noticed it was from a jewellers shop. It made my pulse race to see just that much. The need to not wake Yuzu was all that prevented me from running out of the apartment.