The Novelty of Existence

9

𝙾𝙽 ⋆ 𝙰𝚞𝚐𝚞𝚜𝚝 ⋆ 𝙰𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚗

Approaching the university of Toronto was like stepping into a different world. We stood at the front of the campus, the four of us, just taking it all in. I thought I was looking at a castle. The brochure pictures just did not do it justice. Ivy wrapped around the stone building, shining effervescently green in the sunlight. 

"I guess we have to give your Dad props for this one," Mo said quietly, cocking her head to the side. I sighed. Should I have felt grateful to my Dad at this moment for pushing me hard to get here? For paying my way here? It was a strange conflict of emotions. It would take at least the next four years of schooling to find out if it was all worth it. 

"Hey, are you guys about to be our freshmen?" 

I snapped out of my thoughts to see a group of three standing in front of us. I smiled despite myself. They were all Asian. Two girls and one boy, maybe two years older than us. The boy wore a baseball cap and an easy smile, and one of the girls had dyed blonde hair, whereas the other one had long black hair. 

"No," Wes said, patting me on the back, pushing me forward, "Just Aiden here." 

The group smiled as if they were pleased to hear the news. As if they knew me. "Well, Aiden," The blonde girl said, glancing at her friends, "We're on lunch. Why don't we give you a quick tour?" 

Automatically, I looked at the others. What do you think? What should I do? My eyes asked them for answers. I watched Danny's face break into a big smile, and I relaxed. I turned back towards the group. "That would be great," I admitted. 

Walking away from my gang felt unnatural and unsafe. These people had become my everything. I turned my head as I walked to see them getting smaller and smaller. Mo offered me a wave of assurance, and the guys just smiled. 

"So, last name?" The girl with black hair asked. She saw my look of perplexion, so she added, "Sorry. My name is Maddie Choi." She smiled with her eyes, which made me relax a bit more. 

"Uh, Kim. Aiden Kim." 

"Korean, nice!" Maddie laughed, offering me a high five. "Me too." 

The boy rolled his eyes. "Don't start, Maddie." 

As we approached the front entrance steps, Maddie stopped me, delicate hand on my arm. "Tell Noah and Tori that Korean parents are way more hardcore than Chinese parents." She said. 

The other two laughed, shaking their heads. "Not a chance," Noah said, taking his cap off and ruffling his hair. 

The truth was, I didn't know. The only other Asian kid in my class was in Grade 6 when a girl named Fang was our exchange student for the year. I didn't speak Mandarin, so I barely interacted with her. Of course, the entire class decided we must be dating because we were both Asian. I didn't get a chance to ask her about her parents, I guess. 

"Well..." I started. 

"My parents once told me that I could either become a doctor, a lawyer, or an orphan." Tori chimed in, giggling as she said it. 

"My Dad told me that a pediatrician was a fake doctor." Maddie shot back. 

I couldn't help it. I laughed. My friends could laugh at my Dad with me, and complain about him with me, but they could never really understand. This strange relationship that I had, suddenly it was a universal experience. I was going to a prestigious university because I had to. Danny was going to uni too, but his parents would support him no matter what he did. As for Mo and Wes, their parents preferred them not to go at all. 

Some would call me entitled to feel such disdain for the man that made my dreams possible. But, were they my dreams? What did I even want to do? All I'd ever known was what I had to do. What was expected. 

"My Dad refused to let me take anti-depressants until my therapist suggested it would help my grades improve," I added. 

There was a moment of silence. Hesitation. I had never let it slip out like that before. Noah scoffed, "Your Dad let you go to therapy? My Mom told me that therapy was for white people and that therapists were all med school dropouts." 

The group laughed again. A little weight lifted off my chest as they talked, as they showed me around the campus, as they introduced me to more people. The weight of otherness that I had felt my whole life. I could feel it floating away from me. 

When I got back to the gang an hour later, they were sitting right by where I left them, unchanged. Danny was laying on the grass, eyes closed. Wes and Mo were playing catch with Wes's hacky sack. 

"Hey guys," I said as I approached, hands in my pockets, sun in my eyes. They welcomed me the same as always, smiling and asking questions as if I'd just come back from my first field trip. As if I hadn't just forgotten about them for an hour and embraced a whole new set of people. I felt a lump grow in my throat and tried to swallow it. 

Wes jumped in first, Mo following behind. "The van smells weird today." 

"Francesca." Wes corrected. 

"Francesca smells weird today." 

"Well, stop farting in her so much." 

Danny put a hand on my shoulder to stop me from climbing in the van as the other two bickered in the background. "You want to stay?" He asked, looking into my eyes. He was sincere. Stay the night, stay forever? I wasn't sure what he was asking, but the answer was yes. 

"No," I lied, emphatically shaking my head. 

He nodded knowingly. Danny knew something that I had just found out. He had known since the start of senior year, and that's why he was going to UBC. I knew I was the only one that had become wise to his secret, although now we shared the same one. Now, we both relished the idea of a new place. A new start. 

There were things I thought I could never understand about Danny until that moment before we got into the van. Then, all at once, I understood.