Clinging To The Stars (BoyxBoy)

Chapter Four

Getting high was something I enjoyed doing often. I liked the feeling of the smoke filling my lungs and coming back out through my nose. I loved the dazed look in my eyes as I stare into nothingness. Though normally, I don't get this shit-faced often. I only do it when I'm sad. Sad... am I sad? I don't think I really know the answer to that at the moment. I'm conflicted with myself, with my feelings. I mean is it possible for someone to suddenly have feelings for the same sex? No, of course not, I'm not gay. I sighed heavily and closed my eyes. I hated the way I was feeling. I hated being confused about who I am and who I like. I just wanted the goddamn answers to those questions now instead of later. Hot water ran down my cheeks. It took me a moment to realize I was crying. I'm so pathetic. I closed my eyes and held back the sobbing, but sure enough, I just exploded into rage and sadness. I picked up my phone and called someone I knew, someone who can give me some advice at least. I scrolled my contact list and touched the 'call' button. The phone rang three times before it was answered.

"Hey, Ryder! What's up?" Eric answered. Eric is my gay best friend. I've known them since middle school they're like family to me. Most importantly, they always know how to give advice.

"Hey Eric... can I come over? It's important" I sniffled.

"Are you okay?"

"Not really" I responded sadly.

"Oh shit, must be pretty serious then. All right, come over then bud." They said.

"Thanks, Eric. I'll be there in 5 minutes" 

"No prob bro" They replied and hung up. I got dressed and headed out the front door. I decided to walk because Eric didn't live too far from me. I inhaled another bit of smoke and exhaled it through my nose before I realized I was at Eric's door. I texted Eric that I was outside and seconds later the door opened.

"Hey Ryder, come in," Eric said in a hushed tone. Their parents must be sleeping. I nodded and proceeded behind him. When we got to his room I sat on his bed and sighed loudly.

"So... What's going on Ryder? You're a literally shit-faced dude and you smell like skunk"

"I know I know man, it's just I'm having thoughts...weird thoughts...I needed an escape" I replied feeling embarrassed.

"Like what?" Eric asked cocking his head to the side. I bit my lip and looked down. Did I really want to say it out loud? Did I really want to admit to myself and Eric what was actually going on in my life? I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I shouldn't be ashamed, right? I mean Eric is gay and they love being themself, why can't I?

"I think I'm having feelings for someone, but I don't know if I should be having feelings for him," I whispered the last word silently.

"For who?"

"For a fucking guy!" I yelled, tears in my eyes.

"Oh... wow , wasn't expecting that." Eric said surprised.

"I know me neither, and I don't know how to feel about it , every time I close my eyes I see his face, I can smell him near me, I can just imagine the touch and warmth of his body on mine. But at the same time it feels wrong. I mean I like girls but then he came along and now everything is fucked up and I can't even think straight!" I yelled.

"Ever heard of bisexuality or pansexuality?" Eric questioned

"Yeah...but..." I trailed off. 

"But...?" Eric asked. I sighed and played with my fingers.

"I think I just like him at the moment" I responded. Eric nodded his head. We sat in silence for a while not knowing what to say to each other. Until I broke the ice.

"How did you know... that you were gay?"

"I guess it just never occurred to me that it was something that was a label. I was taught growing up that if you like someone, it's okay but it was never gendered. That's what's wrong with society, we teach kids to love but only what society thinks is 'normal'". He said putting air quotes around the word normal.

"Yeah... guess you're right. I just don't want to put a label on it yet. I'm so confused as to why this is happening now. I've always been attracted to girls never guys. There's just something different about this guy, I just don't know what. " I replied.

"Maybe he's your soulmate" Eric teased smiling goofily. I shrugged my shoulders and put my hands over my face. 

"I'm just so confused Eric. I don't want my friends or family, or even the guy I like to think of me differently. I am so scared of labeling myself and the reparations that come with it.

"So don't label it yet." Eric suggested easily. As if it were that easy. 

"How do I even do that?" I questioned

"Just experiment. NOT on the guy, you like but maybe with someone else. Join tinder or grindr. You can explore your sexuality there and see if you really like it" Eric suggested. It wasn't actually a bad idea. I never thought to do that. 

"I think I will try that. Thank you Eric, you always cheer me up". 

"That's what I'm here for. Now come on let's go outside and smoke a joint, you got me wanting some now" They chuckled. I smiled and nodded and we went outside to smoke.

***

On the way home, I thought about what Eric said about not putting a label on myself yet and experimenting. I downloaded tinder that night and created my profile. After I was done scrolling through a bunch of guys, I decided it was time for bed. I closed my eyes and let sleep take over while thinking about the journey that I have ahead. I hope it's all worth it, to figure out who I am. I hope I can find myself.