Collection

Religious

I am an agnostic theist.
This means that I am not opposed to the theory of a god, but rather I do not believe in one.
I find myself surrounded by faithful Christians.
I used to hate these people.
I hated how they seemed to let religion control every aspect of their lives.
I hated the way they wore crosses around their necks and prayed before meals.
I hated the loyalty they had for a greater power which they couldn't even prove existed.
I have discovered recently that the feeling that was raging so deep in my soul for this type was not hate or even mere dislike.
It was jealousy.
I was jealous of them.
I was jealous that they had so much trust to put into the commitment that is religion.
I found that I had an issue with trust.
I have little trust for others and, hell, I don't even have that much trust in myself.
I want what they have, I want it so bad.
I want to be able to let the weight of my problems be lightened on my shoulders with the knowledge that I am never alone.
When I have no one, I want to be able to know that He will be there for me.
I want the kind of faith they have, I want the kind of trust they have, I want the kind of love they have.
As I think about how much I want that, I also remember the reason I had lost faith in Him.
He let me down, He let me fall into such a deep pit that I was burying myself deeper when I tried to get out.
Well - that is - if He is even real.
I am a person to whom logic appeals greatly.
I believe in the Big Bang Theory and the Theory of Evolution.
I believe that science is what created us, yet I long for another explanation.
There is no proof behind it though, so it is a habit to doubt such an idea as Christianity.
I want change, but change scares me.
I just don't know anymore.
I just don't know.