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It's so wrong, but it feels so right. He's 15 going onto 16 and I'm 12 going onto 13. For fucks sake, he could adopt me when he's 18.
But age is just a number,
Right?
I can't help it. I want him, so bad. He's out-of-the-world handsome. Like handsome-handsome. A rideable face, must I say. You just want to play with his hair while his arms wrap around your waist in the most perfect way. And you both drift into sleep, your last thought being how you're the luckiest girl in the world.
God I'm fucked.
No, I want to be fucked.
By my best friend's cousin.
Fuck my life.
Maybe it's not a big of a deal as I'm making it out to be, but it is, trust me. I can't imagine Alira dating one of my cousins, that's just disgusting and over-the-top cringey. So how could it not be the same for her? Especially the only cousin that's the closest thing of a brother to her.
No. I cannot date him. I have to lose these feelings 'asap' for the sake of Alira.
But truly, you don't want to lose it.
But I have to.
You don't want to.
I have to.
But you love him.
But I love him.
I'm catechize myself for a lengthy while, worrying about my insanity as I battle my own subconscious. He is driving me crazy. I'm blaming him if I end up in an asylum.
Though honestly, it's not his fault that I'm bonkers for him. He doesn't operate my feelings, I do. Which is exactly why I know that I cannot lose him at the same time. Hopefully Alira bends a little and understands me. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe it might jeopardize my best friendship. Or maybe it wouldn't be so wrong to go after something I actually want.
I look at my reflection of the girl in the mirror. God, what am I getting myself into?
"Jeez, you're stupid." I stare, making harmful commentary towards myself and my actions.
What if Alira gets mad?
What if I don't care?
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She laughing, she's happy, but with the wrong person. I'm sorry if I'm selfish for saying it but Connor could never be the right person for her. My best friend. Who deserves the world. Connor, is just quarter. Not even that.
Yes, he's my cousin, a brother-like figure in my life and the closet family member I actually enjoy being around. But he has his ways. And those ways could easily tear her apart. She doesn't deserve any of it and I don't know if I'm afraid for her or afraid I'll lose her to him.
I observe, hiding behind the corner of a wall. Proving to myself that my theories were right. The three of us, well, two of them and an invisible me, at our zone. The place where we all come in times of trouble. I came here, just to clear my head from what's going on at home and still trying to find myself within this madness, some madness that I haven't moved on from.
Only to see them.
It's silent now, my biggest mistake was investigating why.
They're kissing?
They're kissing.
Oh, hell no.
Jeez, I need bleach and a spiritual cleanse.
If I was to act dramatic, I would have to stop myself from gagging after witnessing that.
However, I don't make my presence known.
What I do know, is that I don't want them together.
"Yeah, I know." I reply, in the most driest way I possibly could. Kiara's face looks absolutely blank, stupefied and confused all at the same time. Like if there's Slenderman behind me. Oh, no waaaaaaait, she's dating Slenderman now.
"How did you know?" She asks, clearly searching for any possibility in her mind of how I could have.
"Kiara, for the past month you've been twirling your hair when he's around. You spend more time with him than me- Same goes for you Connor. So I guess it can't just be a coincidence that whenever I need you both, the two of you are unavailable." I explain, leaving out the one event that confirmed it all for me.
"So you're telling me you're that smart to figure it out?" Connor suggests, as if he's talking to one of his 'dawgs'. As if I'm not that smart. As if he doesn't fucking know me anymore. But I know him better than he thinks and he should be worried about that.
"You shouldn't have said that, now she's giving you the Lira eyes." She nodges his arm, correcting his actions. She too, there's something different. The vibe, the tension, all of it, is off. Lira eyes? What the fuck is the Lira eyes?
"The 'I wanna fracture all the bones in your body' look. How do you not know this?" She's watches him, tilting her head upwards due to his tall, slim figure that's a foot lengthier than her and I. Guess she read his expression because he looks as confused as me.
"She can't do me a thing." The cockiness in his voice apparent. Hmm, so you didn't consistently ask girls for nudes? Is what I don't say. I just tip my chin at him a feasible action and appropriate response for this moment. I don't want them to see how much this angers me. I don't want them to see the weak side of me. The weak side that longs for her two bestfriends who are now oppositely facing her.
"You're quiet, I should be scared." Kiara states.
"If you so want my input, I think in the eyes of the public, it wouldn't look pleasing. Personally, it isn't near right. You and I both know what I'm referring to, cousin." Her expression is quizzical whilst Connor's jaw is so clenched I'm afraid he grates down his teeth. I continue, "I know you're a smart girl Kiara, I know you didn't tell me because you were afraid that I would be against it. And I am. Mostly because I warned you, I told you, but you choose him over me."
"I'm sorry." She says, picking at her fingers.
"Sad."
"I'm just following my heart." She replies.
"Good for you."
"I did consider you." She sweetens it up.
"Flattered."
"You know what, fuck you." Her arms fly out, her frustration evident.
