Bonds we Forgive

The squad/chapter 1

I would love to say it's good to be home but that would be a fucking lie. 'Home' I definitely couldn't call this place home, I don't know where my home is anymore, but I know it is not here.
When I walk inside this house, my house. All I see is the marvel floor Chase and I used to play card games on, when I walk up the stairs all I see is the steps that we used to run up together to get to my room.
My room, my God this room. Everything used to happen here. We spent so much time in this room, so much time reading and talking about random shit. Like college, what we wanted to be, our likes and dislikes, our family, our struggles... and us.
The memories makes me want to burn every inch of this place down to the fucking ground. I shake my head, trying to clear it. Trying to clear him out of it.
I trail my fingers lightly on the bed. We used to sleep every night together in this bed.
I bent down to inhale, and I could have sworn I could smell his scent here. Something crawls up my spine and burrows it way into my chest, a sort of madness and something else, something I do not acknowledge that burns in my chest. I quickly straightened and grabbed the comforter and with a vicious growl I ripped it off the bed, sending pillows tumbling.
For a second I just stand there, seething, unable to breathe or think. His fucking sent.
"Damn, someone developed a case of psycho while they were away."
I spin around at the sound of Davina's voice. All that crazy I just felt, fizzled out.
"As opposed to always being a psycho like you." I smirk at her while collecting myself.
"What's up bitch?" she asked with a wide smile. I have missed this girl like crazy.
"Nothing much, just another day in the matrix, you know?"
She rolled her eyes.
"You and your metaphors."
"I'll have you know people love my metaphors." I responded.
"Yeah, keep telling yourself that. Anyways I have people you'll love to meet."
She motioned her head downstairs, and I grinned knowing who she was talking about. We rushed down the stairs and towards the kitchen. I freeze at the people who are currently eating everything in my fridge. They hadn't seen me yet; they were too busy arguing about which of my food they should eat. I lean against the kitchen entrance and smile.
''So, they don't feed you where your from?'' I ask.
They all turn around in unison. One still has the soda can at her lips, another with cream on her face and an eclair in hand, and the last is clean unlike the rest.
Jade, the one with the éclair in hand speaks first.
''They do but your food is so much better.'' She proceeds to take a bite and moans at how good it is to prove her point.
''Do you plan to pay for that?'' I tease.
Imogene, the one still sipping from her soda is the one to reply.
''Of course not. That's why It taste so much better." She looks at me like I should already know this.
Briar pushes her classes up her nose.
''They have no shame, do they?" She says.
Imogene scoffs,"Like you were not about to do the same."
Bri ignored them and rushed over to me and hugged me. I savor her warmth and the familiar feel of her glasses against my skin. Once jade and Imogene put down my food, they rush over to us, and I am surrounded by the people I love most. A surge of emotion rushes to the surface and my eyes water and my throat tighten. These are my girls, my best friends, and it has been too freakin long since we were all in this room together. I feel a little guilty about leaving but shove that feeling down. It is not my fault, it is his.
We pulled back and I walked to the fridge. Shaking my head at how familiar this all feels. They all take a seat around the kitchen counter.
''so, catch me up on your lives,' I already know most of what is going on since I still text and called them when I was away, and they visited on holidays and summers, but I still want to hear it from them.
''Well Deans acting a fool but that's no surprise.' Jade announces with a hint of annoyance.
I wince, ''how so?'
Dean is one of Chase's best friends. Chase has three: Dean, Winter Bay's resident clown and fuckboy, Hunter the serious fucked up one with real demons, and Sean the smart one and the only of them who has common sense bedside Chase, but Sean's family does some real shady shit, and I would not be surprised if now since he is older, he has done some stuff too, and when I mean shady, I mean old money and killing rival families shady.
Hunter also has a twin sister who is our best friend as well as theirs. She did not really belong to the girls or the boys. She was always firmly in the middle and just as fucked up as her brother. We all used to hangout until Chase fucked up and I had to leave. I suppose they all still hangout but it's not the same.
''He fucked some girl. Aria, that annoying bitch I was telling you about. She's been sniffing around my man and talking shit about me.''
''He cheated?'' I asked in alarm.
''Technically no," she replied, finishing off the dessert with a sad face. I handed her another éclair.
''They were on a break, and they were never officially together anyways. She never commits to him. I have no Idea what they're doing." Divina adds, rolling her eyes.
Jade idolizes her parents so when they got a divorce it hit her pretty damn hard. Her dad is a little like Dean, funny, jokes around a lot, and more importantly he really got around before he settled down with her mother. So, I think committing to anyone is hard because her parents didn't work out, but it being dean is harder.
What she doesn't realize though is things didn't work out because it was an arranged marriage and while they tried to make it work, they didn't really love each other in that way. Not the way Dean loves her, and she loves him. But they are both pretty immature, so it is going to be a while before they settle down and realize there being stupid.
''she doesn't know if she wants him but no one else can have him while she figures it out. She should just pee on him and mark her territory. So, everyone knows who he belongs to while she decides." Imogene teases while tapping on her phone.
''you guys want In And Out?'' Imogene questioned. We all answered yes, they ordered their usual, and they remembered my usual as well.
''shut up, you should tell her all about you and Sean since your relationship is so great.'' Jade mocked.
"What's with you and Sean?" I asked.
She let out a heavy sigh and shot Jade a glare.
"Nothing. That's the problem. I know he's into me and I'm into him but he's being so frustrating. I think he's trying to protect from his world. Since his family is fucking crazy. But I need protection! Nor did I ask for it!" Her voice rises a little and her cheeks picken. It's the cutest thing.
"It's like I don't need a knight and shining armor. I want a boyfriend!" I nod in agreement like any supportive friend but I kind of agree with Sean. I heard his aunt got caught up in some family rivalry drama and died. I looked over and Bri and the look she gave said she was thinking the same.
"Maybe he's got a point." I said. Her head whipped around in an accusatory glare.
"He has a point? Which is." It was clear she wouldn't like what I would have to say. I wonder if I should take it back and just agree with her but quickly scratched that idea. I am not going to lie about how I feel. Especially if it can give her some insight on him perspective.
"His family does illegal shit all the time. I'm ninety percent sure his family is on the FBI's most wanted list. Plus people in that family die more often than not. His family lives a very dangerous life. If you guys stay together then you'll live that same life. What if something happens to you? That'll break him." That last part of my speech made her inhale. She knew it was true. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt him.
"But he isn't his family. They are not one in the same." I hated the pain in her voice. These boys are like family to us and some mean more. But I don't want her to come to this realization five years down the road and the pain of it becomes worse then it is now.
"Yes they are. They are one and the same. What if he's already a part of the family? What if he hurt someone? You're a good person and I don't know if you can handle being with someone like that." I added.
Personally I don't care about the possibility of him killing people. But I know the same can't be said about her. I honestly think they can still make it work but I just want her to understand his side of things and everything else.
Sensing things getting a little too heavy. I shifted my focus to Briar.
"What about you bri?" I questioned
She sighed and shook her head as if to say it wasn't going well either.
"Damn. These boys are real stupid aren't they?"
"That's why I stick to girls." Vina said.
"So things are going well for you in the girl department then?" I ask her.
"Well, no but my statement still stands." She shrugged.
We were silent after that. It was a heavy and charged sort of silence. Charged with unsaid words.
"So, how are you?" Davina asks. Her voice thick with emotion.
I opened my mouth then closed it. Unsure of what to say. Should I tell them I miss this place almost as much as I hate it? That it's been hell moving halfway across the world. That I haven't said Chase's name out loud in years. My heart aches when I think about him and I don't feel whole anymore. I blame him for everything which also makes me so angry that I can't breathe sometimes. I don't think I have the energy to carry this hate around anymore but I can't let it go either.
I shake my head and decide to say exactly that. I don't hide myself from them. They all scoot closer and as I talk.
"I should've fought harder to stay. I regret leaving for this long. It's been four very long years." I say. Choking on the words a little bit.
"It's not your fault." Jade says.
A pause.
"But maybe you should forgive Chase." Imogene states.
I stilled. Then got up instantly like I've been slapped. She sighs like she knows a lecture is about to come. But before I could start on why that's a ridiculous idea and how I can't believe she said that, the bell rings. I go to get the door. Practically storming out like a child. I pay the in and out delivery driver and leave her a very generous tip despite my mood.
I get back and we share out the food in silence.
"We should watch something." Vina says suddenly.
"Like what." Bri asks.
"We could watch the last two seasons of Game of Thrones, Harry Potter, or hunger games." She offered.
We went with the Hunger Games. We brought our food to the theater room. Quickly the tension ebbed and we we're back to the easy going mood from earlier. After we watched the first movie we took a phone break. We went to the kitchen to get dessert.
Afterwards, we watched the second movie in the series which was by far my favorite. We completely devoured everything and the movie was done.
We decided that they would stay over. We watched up and went upstairs to my room. There was a bed in the back corner of my room. Briar and Jade took that one while me, Davina, and Imogene went to my bed.
They didn't say anything about the pillows and the sheets. They just helped me fix it with a sad look on their faces. It was clear that they wanted to say something but decided against it.
We were all in bed and I could feel all they wanted to say. I sighed, not wanting to go to bed like this.
"Say it. I told you my thoughts on your lives so you guys should too." No one said anything for a long moment and I was afraid they didn't hear me or were already asleep.
"He'll be there tomorrow." Davina stated seriously.
"I know," I said.
"He didn't mean to hurt you." Briar said.
"I know." I said. My heart squeezed a little.
"It's not his fault." Jade said.
I've never admitted to myself that it wasn't his fault and I can't now. I need someone to blame.
"I hear you." I told her.
"You should forgive him." Imogene told me. I close my eyes and let in a deep breath. But didn't respond.
They all sighed and said good night. We got into a cuddling position and I was drifting off into sleep when I heard.
"I just hope you're prepared to see him tomorrow." Imogene said next to me.
I don't think I'll ever be prepared but I hoped that I was.