My vent notes

First and last

All the thoughts no one will ever hear

In my family, I don't know why, but usually they care about everyone except me. I need something? Meh no one cares, my stepsibling needs something? They'll get it right away!
They also make fun of my feelings or don't take me serious.
As example once I told my stepsibling some things before I went to sleep, and they answered "You don't overthink as much as I do, I overthink like triple of what you do"
Now I had my period, it's a school day and my sibling goes in 5 minutes after me. Today I was bleeding through my pad, too much blood on one space and then it got soft and bled on my underwear. When they opened the door, I was trying to wipe off the blood, instead of just closing it or something my stepsibling looked at me angry, then just went "don't be dramatic, you don't bleed just as much as I do" that's not the point.
I could bleed 1 milliliter, and still it would be my period. It hurts, gives me iron deficiency, makes everything dirty and is uncomfortable. So don't make fun of me if you don't know how it is to be me
When I get angry about something it's always funny
I do all these silly little things where I do something funny to make them laugh, I bump my head, trip, bump my elbow and even more just for a laugh. But whenever I need someone to make me laugh there is no one, I care about everyone but who cares about me?
Fake humans are so despise-able, all they do is acting like someone or something they aren't. And still. I don't despise myself.
[Alter Ego 1],[Alter ego 2], you are me but you still are so different from me.
In the 2 years I was acting like [alter ego 2] I was the 'happiest', but did I ever get hugged in those 2 years? Did anyone ever ask how I was doing? Did anyone ever tell me how proud they are from me? Exactly
And you [Alter ego 1]
You were so lonely deep in your inner and still never stopped to care about others.
We all are the same.
You all are a part of me, [My name]
Sometimes I just wish I wouldn't have needed to change myself back then just to get liked, I deserved better for all the good I actually caused.
Of course I also spread bad, but that I snap after several years of hateness and more is not very unreal is it?
If people only see me as Funny and always happy, then I should be proud of it. But why?
Why should I be proud of being fake
No one will even notice if I just stopped, stopped talking, stopped caring and if they did I would just be the old silly me and answer with "I was just joking" or "Sorry that was my classmate" or "Sorry I didn't have my phone with me" all those excuses
Even though I like myself pretty much, I'm afraid of being ugly again. Having no coincidence and being seen as useless and ugly, if I'm not pretty then I'm a nothing

Just forget it this is not what I meant I'm gonna start again
I cried today and my mom told me I should see an therapist if I continue crying like this
She called me sensitive and said it's because I'm lacking sleep
Also made the joke which is forever gonna be in my head: "Why are you crying? I did nothing, want me to punch you to give you a reason to cry?" No mom
I want you to hug me
Not because I'm sad or anything
Or because you're sad
Just a Hug
One big one
My mom asked me if I'm depressed because I told her how much I cry, but what's wrong with crying? I'm always strong but sometimes you just need to get it out. So why assume I'm mentally Ill?
I swapped schools now, in Germany you need to swap schools if you're on an school which doesn't go till the 12th. I'm in an school which isn't in the city I used to go to school to, just because my parents wanted to moved. My friends already found friends, they say they found many friends
It won't take long until they'll eventually forget about me and just leave
But what am I supposed to do once I loose them?
I don't wanna be lonely again
I don't wanna be friendless again
I love having friends, so why why take them from me
Yeah they did, no one texts me first anymore.

Now even my lover doesn't trust me anymore, they rather tell their best friend everything than me. I mean you don't need to tell me everything, but shouldn't I as your lover know you just as well or even better than your best friend? I also saw them writing lies about me and my brothers first name. Yes it's dramatic but it still hurts. I know that Joe Biden is the president you idiot, I also know that Brad Pitt is NOT an president. Why do you make me look even dumber? [Alter Ego 1] isn't that dumb, and [My name] isn't that dumb at all, she's rather smart. Also I didn't say that, I said "I think we saw an president or some!" And you said it could be an actor too, not that it's an bald president who sings.
My brothers name is not an popular one, just typing in where I'm from and bam they know nearly everything about him. Do you want me to be in danger? Why can't just talk with me for once! ITS PISSING ME OFF.
Call me obsessed or dramatic but some things are just an no, I'm just an matured child who tries to be funny, to be loved, to be an normal child. What did I do wrong that you don't trust me anymore? You did it before.