I just want happiness

Prologue(2)

Who was that? Did my father came? I-I what should I do...

      Slowly opening my weak and heavy eyelids, I saw my room. I found that my dad have bring me to my bed when I faint beside the door. I became worried again. What should I tell him? Should I tell him about why I was unconscious? B-but he may curse himself again......i need to make an excuse.

       With click-sound of door opened, a middle age man came holding food in his hand. It was the first time I see him cooking,I was just too happy seeing he has returned. I really want to....hug him but I-I wasnt able to move my body, tears have dried I was crying but nothing came from my reddish eyes.

         Looking at me shivering and crying. He put down the food on the table, carefully carry me out of the bed and put me on the chair near the window. I was silently looking at him, he just bend over his knee and looking at me with a smile. He took out his thin hand and pat me, when I fell the warm touch, I fell that it was a real not just illusion, I just sit there for minutes, looking at him smiling. 'Why are you always smiling even though you have lost your love?' I wonder. I wish I could give him new love but I-i don't know anything about it.

       Other than book I don't touch any unnecessary things, although I watch TV but I only watch some news so to know if I could get information for university and jobs opportunities. So I couldn't do anything, I feel helpless again.

       Seeing me not crying anymore he open his mouth and in a soft voice h-he.....apologized me, he told me everything that happened in the meeting where he met many new people and because of boss he was unable to come home early. He apologized me again and again.

       I knew that dad wasn't breaking his promise because he want to. I feel his deep apology in his word so I replied him that it's ok, it's not his fault that he couldn't come. Hearing my reply he just look at me and sighed.

        After that he fed me the hot pudding he made, eating it ,I feel ecstatic. It was warm and sweet but not to sweet. Slowly going down to my stomach, I felt that I was regaining my strength little by little. I completely ate it all without speaking, I liked the taste of it and what I most adore was that it was made by the person whom I hold very dearly. I may not be able to eat his food again but.....I want to treasure this taste inside my heart.

       After I finished all pudding, he put down the plate and cleaned my mouth with a towel, I really liked the feeling of being taken care by him.

      Then he opened his mouth, but when he was ready to tell me about amusement park's plan, I stop him with my trembled hand on his mouth, I put a big smile told him that I wasn't worried at all and reassured him saying that I will wait for that time when he will take me there by himself, maybe it's not now but later we may have chance so, I have to be patience for my dad.

      Hearing that he looked at me with concern and carried me from the chair to the bed. Laying me down on bed and covered my half body with my bed sheet, then lightly kissing my forehead he muttered 'goodnight' word close to my ear with a soft voice, I feel little warm with his action. Standing up, he leave the room. It became cold and empty again. I don't know if I should ask him, that there was faint smell of alcohol coming from his breath. Well, it's a normal for a grown man to drink it some times but still I was anxious about it having negative effect in his body.

       Smell of wine wasn't too much and he doesn't drink frequently so I believed that nothing could happen to him by a little amount. 
I stop thinking any further and blank my mind, then slowly I fell sleep.

* * * *

       Months later, everything got back to the previous routine, nothing different. But my dad has changed, everytime he came home he will be drunk. I though that he was drinking it for only few times but he had been continously drinking it every day. I was little anxious about the risk so I ask him why was he drunk, he replyed that his boss forced him to drink little and so he couldn't refuse it, as it may put him in badside with his boss.

      The answer wasn't what I expected, I though that he would be honest b-but he....lied. It's not one time but everyday after that incident I saw him drunk! How can it look he was forced? Will there be any one who will force other to drink everyday?  No-even if there are, they don't have any good intention that means either my father is being targeted by someone or he himself drink it. But the more sense answer is second one he drinked without anyone's force, it was said the alcohol will remove the depression, stress and tension for temporary, it's the good think but like every effect have positive and negative effects.

      Similarly, alcohol also have its bad effect, on top of that it was very risky one, it will make them addicted with it and slowly damaged their brain causing them to go crazy. And I didn't liked it to happen to my dad.

      For few months I resist it, hoping he might return back normal after sometime of rest in mentally but to my hope he didnot became normal but instead gotten worse. I was frustrated not only he was drinking often but also now, he has resigned from his work and sleeps all day in his room and went outside in the middle of night. I asked him why he was sleeping instead of going to his usual work.

       Without making eye contact with me he replied that he had a fight with his boss, he didn't liked him from before so he resigned or could be said he was kicked out. His sentence shocked me. I worriedly asked him if he was ok. He just replied me that he would be able to found a job better than that. With that said he stood up and leave the home saying he has things to do and cannot come early so he want me to eat and sleep without him.

  
* * * *

Whole year have gone, many changes have happened between me and my father. From that day, things has became even worse in my dad case. He became more aggressive and untouchable. He does not make any eye contact with me as he doesn't want me to see him. Basically, he try to ignore me, seeing he was doing this kind of unbelievable thing.

         I-I locked myself not going School for two days, I was crying in my bed all day. My bed sheet which were warm was drenched with my tears. Those face of his trying to hide from me hurts me deeply in my fragile heart, as it may broke anytime.

       My dad seems to found out that I who would never leave the school was now  have skipped two days, he was perplexed as to why. So, he came to my room to just see me in a miserable state, in a wet bedsheet I was laying emotionless. Seeing me like that, he ran to my side and examined my whole body if I was sick or any things not right. After noticing nothing was wrong, he yelled at me why I was sleeping like that, although he seemed angry his worried contain relief that I was ok.

   
    My heart that has been hurting was finally able to clam down hearing dad's voice. I didn't say anything because I don't want him to know the reason as why I was sleeping here instead of going School. I was trying to hold my cry but suddenly two hand came toward me and huged me. His warm embrace peaceful my mind. He told with a caring voice that it was ok to cry. Within reaching my ear I couldn't hold it anymore and cried in his embrace until I slept peaceful after many months.

* * * *

I though that he was changed but it wasn't true at all. Months after that again he became drinker every night going outside to drink and came in the morning to sleep. Even after so many days have passed, he haven't got any job or I could say he didn't even attempt to, well, I can even see that.

But the most disgraceful thing that couldn't be ignore was the day when I went to his room at night to see if he was there to show him my middle term exam result, as to my guess I didn't see him instead I felt something was missing then I remembered there was many furniture, his jewelry and many other thing was gone. Seeing this state of the room I was perplexed, did the theif came? But its impossible, every time I came home back from school I never forget to lock the main door. So, it cannot be true that means....

       Dad sold them?? B-but why would he!. I didn't stay there any longer because of uneasy feeling I get from seeing it, so I rushed straight to my room and locked the room from inside. Again just after few days another tension rose in my young mind......