insomnia

one | unfortunate

DEVI

My father's death, caused me more harm than I thought it did.

I hated my father, absolutely couldn't stand his ass.

I even wished death on him. I would mutter it under my breath whenever he was near. I prayed for it. I manifested it. With each shove, each push, each slap, each kick, all I wanted was for him to just drop dead.

But when he died, something snapped.

I had the urge to take care of my mother, but I also felt incomplete.

I didn't feel complete without him.

And that shit fucking hurt.

Because I didn't need him for the last seventeen years, so why would I need him after he died? Especially since I wished death on him for the last seventeen years.

Why? Why? Why?

I never got my answer.

I found my ways to cope. My best coping mechanism is listening to music.

I have two noise cancelling headphones.

I wear them everywhere I go, mostly to block out the noise around me and the voices in my head.

This coping mechanism is healthy, which is why I find it the best one.

I could have easily turned to drugs, sex, partying, or a way of harming my own self. But I didn't.

I chose music.

I let a yawn out as I walk through the busy sidewalk.

I haven't been able to have a good nights sleep for the past year.

I wouldn't wish this shit on my worst enemy.

I started going to a therapist after my fathers passing, due to my mother, which is how I got diagnosed with anxiety. It was very clear that I had insomnia, so I had already diagnosed myself prior to meeting my therapist.

I hum the current song playing in my ears as I walk the direction towards a cab.

I'm currently on the way to my sister's house, to watch my niece while her and her husband go out for brunch.

I don't like kids but little Selene Laurent has a soft spot in my heart.

I begin to walk faster so I can get to Athena's house quicker.

What's the rush, Devi? Scared of your father's ghost?

I ignore the voice and turn my headphones louder.

I continue to walk, occasionally looking down at my feet just in case I stepped in something that would get fathe-

Oh my god Devi, he's dead. He won't get mad because he can't get mad. He's buried six feet underground, you saw his casket be buried.

I feel the tears begin to stream down before I crash into someone.

We both fall to the ground and the first thing I notice about them, is their black combat boots.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry." I say, but my voice sounds weak because of the tears. I take my headphones off and leave them hanging at my neck as I look up to see who I crashed into.

Holy shit. I don't know who this person is, I've never seen them before but she's the most extravagant person I've ever seen.

She looks a little pissed off but when she looks me in the eye, her face softens a little.