It's Complicated

The Begining

It was a rainy night and I can remember the day like it was yesterday. I was scared and crying because it was raining so hard. My mother came in and rubbed my back. When she saw I started to calm down she kissed my cheek and said to me in a low whisper
" You decide how you live your life. Do not let anyone tell you what or how to control your life. You choose your future." She kissed my forehead and got up off my bed. I no longer felt her warmth. She walked to the door and turned around to me with tears in her eyes and said " I love you baby." " I love you too momma."

I started to drift off to sleep until I heard it. The arguing was just getting louder and louder. I sunk further into my covers and I tried to ignore it. I heard my father stomp back down stares. I got up out my bed and went to my door. I opened it slowly, and that's when I heard it. One loud bang. I screamed because it sounded too close. I went into mommas room and that when I saw her. On the floor, gun in her hand and a pool of blood surrounding her head and body. My father was right behind me and screamed. He kneeled to her and held her body. I just stood there in my pajama dress looking at her with tears running down my face. I couldn't scream. I felt trapped.

An hour later our house was crowded with police officers, investigators and an ambulance outside. It was 11:07 pm when my older brother Samuel whose 20, came in looking confused. My father was talking to the officers and I was on the couch, looking helpless while I ignored the doctors trying to talk to me. "What's going on? " he asked. He looked over to me quickly and back to my dad. "Son, your mom is dead. She committed suicide an hour ago" my dad said in a low voice. My bother looked at him in disbelief and ran upstairs. A few minutes later, he came down crying. My father walked over to him and tried to hug him but my brother just yelled and pushed him " No! This is your fault." He ran over to me an picked me up and ran upstairs to my room and closed the door. He held me tight and that's when I started to cry.

I don't remember falling asleep but I woke up somewhere that wasn't our house. Sam was on the floor sleeping. I got up and looked around. I got out of the bed and went to open the door. I went downstairs and saw Eliza. We were at Sam's girlfriend house. She is nice. I met her a lot and she always played dolls and tea parties with me when she came over the house. "Hey baby cakes. You ok? " she asked. She was in the kitchen cooking breakfast. I nodded my and sat at the table and watched her. She was beautiful. About 5'4, auburn hair, clear skin, she was gorgeous. Eliza told me to wash up and get ready. I didn't realize that my bags were sitting right there in her living room and so was Sam's. I went back upstairs and I heard my brother yelling into a phone.
"I don't care. She's not living there no more........ It's all your fault. If it wasn't for you this wouldn't have happened......... You only care about yourself and I refuse to let her be around you you addict........ Fine, I'll just take your ass to court old man.!"

I walked in the room where Sam was and he was running his hand through his hair. He looked up at me and smiled. He reaches out for me and I ran to him and he pulled me in his lap. He started crying a little and held me. "It's going to be ok Amber . I'm going to take care of you and keep you safe. I promise."

A few months later, Sam took my dad to court. They saw my father as unfit because he drunk to much alcohol. So my brother won custody of me. My brother and I have lived with his girlfriend Eliza for 2 years until they got married. I was in the wedding and life was beginning to get easier. Four years later, my dad took Sam back to court and my father was "legally fit" to take care of me and I had to move back with him. When the judge made that order, I cried and screamed. "Sam, Eliza , don't let me go back." And at that point there was nothing I could do about it and neither could they.
Sam and Eliza dropped me off. Told me to call whenever I wanted. I just nodded.

The first few month with my dad again have been good, but after 6 months, he started drinking again. I was 11. He'd come home late drunk and loud and messy. But then he started hitting me. I just thought, maybe I said something wrong. I had bruises all up my arms, so I always covered them. But I realized it wasn't me who had the problem, it was my father. I learned to keep my mouth shut and just clean up the mess he made every other night. I was scared to tell Sam because I thought he would kill my father. So what happened in this house, stayed in this house. And it's been like that ever since. I've never told one soul my business. I've never had friends over because I was scared that they would judge me. I shut out everyone and eventually, hated who I was. Entering high school, I made sure I kept to myself. I didn't need to be notice. I didn't need the attention and I sure as hell didn't need no one knowing and all up in my business.