Karma Is Baby

8: Having Tea and Spilling It

Fyodor smiled, "evening. You're up rather late."
Karma smiled bashfully, "I was just getting water... I didn't think you were up, too."
Fyodor chuckled from where he sat in the biggest chair in the living room. It made him look smaller than he was while also, somehow, making him seem more in charge and more important. He turned to look at the fireplace, "I was just waiting for the fire to go out before I go upstairs."
Karma walked in the room. He had only peeked inside because he heard the fire popping. He sat down on the couch to find that it was so incredibly comfortable. He just knew getting up would be hard...
"I hope Gogol didn't torture you too much today. He leaves tomorrow," Fyodor closed his eyes.
"He has to leave for work right? Is he in a circus?"
Fyodor almost laughed, "no, he's undercover as a secretary."
Karma's eyes widened, "undercover? Like, he's a spy?"
Fyodor nodded. He couldn't help but smile at Karma's childlike wonder, "yes, he's something like that..."
"I thought he would have some goofy job," Karma looked around, "because he's a clown,"
Fyodor agreed, "he certainly would do well in other fields, but he's where I need him to be right now."
"How come he listens to you? I mean, I know he likes you, but other than that it doesn't really make sense. He told me he was older than you, so..."
Fyodor smiled, "he is older, but I'm smarter. That, and people just naturally do what I ask them. For as long as I can remember people just sort of wanted to do things for me. Perhaps it's because I look so..." he dipped his head from side to side while trying to find the right word, "hm, because I'm sickly, I guess."
Karma nodded, "yeah, and you're kinda scary so..."
He chuckled, "there is that, too. Somehow, everyone ends up afraid of me at some point..." his eyes drifted back onto the fire.
"Oh, Gogol told me about how you two met. He said you saved him," Karma suddenly remembered.
"Worried he's lying?"
"Uhm a little... He seemed like he was telling the truth, but I want to make sure."
Fyodor inclined his head as Karma finished retelling Gogol's story to the best of his ability. "There are some differences in the way I remember it, but it seems he was telling the truth for the most part. He did leave out a few things, though..."
Fyodor grinned, "would you like to hear what really happened?"
Karma nodded vigorously, "yes!"
Fyodor chuckled, "alright. Let's see...
"I believe he almost tripped over me, when we first met. I noticed he was being chased and cornered, so I helped him... I'm sure he told you about what I did. He was very terrified of me, but he looked like there was something he wanted to say. Perhaps he wanted to express his gratitude.
"I was incredibly tired at the time so my memory isn't the best, but I am certain I remember one thing correctly. On our way to my home he asked me, 'are you the devil?' I looked over at him and didn't give him an answer. ...How could I? He looked even more terrified than before and made certain to stay farther away from me.
"After leading him back to where I was staying he was desperate to go inside. I kept telling him he wasn't allowed, not because I didn't want him inside but because he just wasn't allowed. So he asked the strangest question, 'do you have any pets?' I remember being rather confused and asked him why. Then he smiled wide, 'do you need a dog? I can bark if you want me to?!'
"Needless to say, I had no idea how to respond to that. I'm pretty sure I just closed the door and left. I... did feel bad for him... He wanted to be inside so badly that I had to ask him why. He responded that he simply wanted to know what it was like. That he might die if he didn't see it." Fyodor paused for a moment, "I don't think he ever did get to come inside..."
"How come you were taking care of a bunch of random people in your backyard?" Karma asked.
Fyodor smiled, "the extended family I was staying with loved children... They didn't want to be caught housing street urchins so they had a sort of compromise. They had me help. That way, the kids got fed enough and were able to get themselves on the right track."
"You weren't staying with your parents?"
Fyodor shook his head, "no... they were gone by then..." he said it with a soft smile and the fire cracked loudly.
"Oh... I'm sorry..."
"Don't be," Fyodor closed his eyes, "it's just how it was... anyways, Gogol pestered and pestered me, much like he does now. I never let him break any rules but he was always around the back door waiting for me to come outside in the mornings. He told me it was just for the food that he stuck around and that he could take care of himself, but I could tell he was lying. I guess it was then that I realized how much people were drawn to me...
"I had asked someone why once - I don't remember who - and they said that people are drawn to leaders. People latch onto someone reliable, or someone who takes care of them. I never did much for the children except bring them food and read to them. Occasionally, I taught some of the younger ones how to write...
"It was a simple existence. That was, until Gogol came into my life. Then I had to learn what true patience was. He had more energy back then, so he was harder to... evade... I remember getting chased around the backyard one afternoon because the door was jammed and I couldn't get back inside. He caught my arm rather easily, I was very frail and had never ran a day in my life.
"'What? Have you never played tag before?' I looked up at him, wheezing for air, 'not like this...' I tried to pull my hand back but he just squeezed my arm tighter. I looked over to the shed, hoping someone would step out and get Gogol's attention so I could get away. To be perfectly honest, Gogol scared me... He was hard to predict and understand... I'd never met anyone like him and I didn't like the way he acted... he was just so... different....
"'No wonder you're so small, then!' He laughed at me, pushing my shoulder. I stumbled backwards, putting my hand over my overworked lungs. 'Do you never eat or something? You look like a peice of paper!' I sook my head at him, saying that I ate plenty. He just smiled and poked at my chest, 'really? Coz it doesn't look like it.'
"I remember this upsetting me. But it was probably just because I was tired and didn't like him very much to begin with. 'It isn't your business what I do.' He looked down his nose at me with his eery smile, 'then I'll make it my business.'"
"I had no idea how to respond to that. No one around my age had spoken to me like that before. I thought he should be grateful that my family was helping him and was offended that he was so disrespectful towards me.
"He pushed me onto the ground with almost no effort. He even seemed a little surprised by how easily he had done it. I knew in that moment just how messed up he was... because he smiled. He got onto his knees over me, daring me to try and get up.
"I felt like this was unfair since he was older than me anyways. So I just glared at him. He began to laugh, teasing me as he leaned over me. I reached my hand out to try and push him off. It surprised me that he halted and got up swiftly. I assume he remembered how I had saved him...
"He looked at me with a complicated expression before backing up a few steps. I sat up, every inch of my body hurt. I felt like I had just been fighting for my life. When I stood back up he apologized to me under his breath, remarking that it was my own fault for playing wrong. I didn't say so but I was pretty sure he was the one who had it wrong.
"I remember him asking around the same time why I never played with any of the kids and why I was so boring. It was then that I explained that I was sick. He backed away and I quickly told him I wasn't contagious, I was just born with it. Instead of being wary of me he looked... concerned. I never thought I'd see him look at me like he was worried about me and not about something I've done.
"He held his hand out to me, 'will you always be sick?' I nodded, 'it isn't something that can be fixed.' He smiled at me, 'good.' I gave him an upset look, thinking to myself that I might start to hate him if he kept being so mean to me.
"But he continued with a strange statement, 'that way when we're older you'll have to depend on me to take care of you!' He looked rather proud of himself as he saw my expression become confused. I wanted to point out that I might not live to be older, but I remembered people telling me that children shouldn't say such horrible things...
"Then Gogol went on to say something even more weird, 'it's like you're the damsel or princess character in a play!' He walked up to me and I grew increasingly more worried. He already towered over me and now he was demeaning me by relating me to a helpless character. He picked me up, 'I guess I'll just have to be your royal guard or knight or something!' He laughed.
"I frowned and told him to put me down. He actually did, and said with a bow, 'as you wish, your highness.' He giggled as he stood back up. I folded my arms, 'I'm not a girl...' 'That doesn't mean you can't be in distress! You get hurt easily, too!' 'No I don't.' 'But isn't that why you're never outside?'
"I shook my head, 'no.' 'Then how come???' He annoyed me until I gave him the answer. 'Because if I pass out outside it would be bad.' 'Pass out?' 'Yeah.' 'Huh?' 'Sometimes I just pass out...' 'why?' 'Because I'm sick...' 'How does being sick make you-' 'Because it just does.' '... okay, then why would it be bad if it happened outside instead of inside?' 'Because then I could get hurt.' 'See! You just proved my point!'
"He started laughing as I grew embarrassed. 'No, I just... there wouldn't be anyone to help me if I did...' 'I could help you.' The sincerity in his voice surprised me. 'No, you wouldn't know what to do...' 'Sure I would. Just pick you up set you down all nice and cozy somewhere.' I blinked slowly at him. 'Don't look at me like that! I'm smart!'
"I looked down at the grass, 'that still isn't safe...' 'Sure it is. I'm pretty strong, so as long as I keep you close, you'll be safe.' He seemed convinced he was right, but I wasn't so sure.
"He was a lot less rough on me after he learned I was ill, but his teasing never stopped. We were still very young when he started..." Fyodor couldn't quite find the right words.
This only made Karma more interested. If he weren't so comfortable where he was, he would have been on the edge of his seat.
"You know how Gogol always says or does inherently romantic things and then plays it off as a joke?"
Karma nodded.
"He started doing that... and it really confused me. He would always take my hand the second I opened the door and lead me outside like I was royalty. For a while I just rolled my eyes, taking it as his odd way of teasing me. But after a while... I started to notice how he had changed...
"He was insistent on 'helping' me with the simplest of things, in his own weird ways of course. I had just assumed it was because he knew I was sick, so he just didn't want me dying because we were sort of 'friends'... After we had known each other for some time... maybe it had been a year by then... but after a while I noticed how much time he spent just staring at me...
"After I noticed, it made me even more wary of him. I just couldn't figure out why he did that. Eventually I mustered up the courage to ask him. He smiled down at me, 'I'm so glad you asked! I'm always wondering why you never wear fancy clothes even though you're pretty rich?!'
"I hadn't expected him to give me an answer like that. 'Oh... I never go anywhere and I don't come out to see guests, so there isn't a reason to...' 'But don't you want to look nice? I know that girls feel the prettiest when they wear dresses! And I feel pretty great whenever I get to try on something nice.'
"I had never really thought about it... I guess I had spent that part of my life immersed in distractions that I never got the chance to want anything more than what I had. I knew I owned nice clothes but I never thought to wear them. I'd never done it before and I didn't want to upset anyone by starting.
"'You should wear something nice tomorrow and show me! We can make you nice and pretty, I-' I shook my head, 'I don't really want to...' 'But I want you to!' he insisted, 'haven't I done tons of stuff for you when you asked me to?!' 'I think the only things I've ever asked of you was to stop.' Gogol frowned, 'I did, though, didn't I?' I sighed and was forced to agree with him. Most of the time he listened... It... It probably wasn't a very good idea to fulfill his request... all it did was make him like me more...
"I don't remember what I was wearing..." Fyodor hesitated, "but I'm sure Gogol does." He turned and looked towards the wide doorway.
Karma turned his head. His eyes widened, "how long have you been there?!"
"For about half of it," Fyodor looked back over at the fire, subtly shifting his weight.
"I do." Nikolai was leaning his shoulder against the wall, he seemed upset to have been found out. He stood up and walked over, taking the seat beside Karma, "it was actually really cute!"
Had Nikolai just been silently listening to this?... Hearing Fyodor's not-super-flattering impression of him?... Karma felt a little bad for him.
Fyodor lifted and dropped his shoulders, "I only remember Gogol being very loud when I finally came outside the next morning. He was squealing like a child who was given several bags of candy."
"It wasn't like that..."
"That's how I remember it."
Nikolai seemed slightly embarrassed, though Karma wasn't sure. The light wasn't on and the fire kept moving, so it was hard to tell if he was blushing or not.
Nikolai grumbled quietly as he folded his arms and leaned back.
"Gogol obsessed over me, walking probably a hundred circles around me. He repeatedly looked me up and down for what I imagine was five minutes."
"I just wanted to memorize it..." Nikolai explained innocently.
"Why?"
"Huh?"
"..."
"Uh..." Nikolai closed his mouth slowly, "it was something new so... and you looked really nice... I needed to know how to fake having money..."
Fyodor resumed his story, "then Gogol said I was missing something. 'What am I missing?' I asked him. I was sure I hadn't forgotten any items or put on my clothes wrongly. He smiled and produced a ribbon out of nowhere, 'your hair! We have to make you even prettier to complete the look!' He left me no room to argue as he tied my hair back and secured it with a bow. I was surprised to find that the ribbon matched the color scheme..."
"Don't look at me, it was random." Nikolai stated.
Fyodor paused before moving on, "but he had done a so-so job. I didn't blame him, but my hair kept falling into my face. I brushed it behind my ear, asking if we were done now. He didn't give me an answer. He was just staring again... I-"
"Nonono," Nikolai held out his hand to stop him, "you're telling it all wrong."
Fyodor looked over, "then why don't you tell it?"
Nikolai froze, "I guess I just remember it differently..."
"I know you do. My point of view is rather boring. I was very out of it at that age."
Nikolai nodded, "I noticed... I really hated that you weren't outside often. At one point I thought you were purposely avoiding me and I kinda felt bad..."
"The story?" Fyodor stopped him.
"Oh, y-yeah, okay..." Nikolai cleared his throat. "I remember Dos' hair being very soft. And the shine reminded me of silk. I had messily tied it up with the bow. I didn't really know what I was doing, but I wanted an excuse to use the ribbon. I had had it forever and didn't know what to do with it.
"Anyways, uh..." he paused to think. "Right. After that."
Karma could tell Nikolai was nervous. He took his hand and smiled up at him, "just tell it like you told the other one."
Nikolai felt encouraged and went on, "I stepped back to admire my handiwork. I couldn't help but notice how Dos just stood there like he didn't care. It was like he was a rag doll. This baffled me, why wouldn't he care? Didn't he feel pretty? He certainly looked pretty! I smiled at him, 'now you're fully dressed.'
"He just looked to the side mumbling that he was fully dressed without the ribbon anyways. I remember folding my arms as I watched him, telling him that was utter nonsense and that he should just agree with me.
"Dos lifted up his slender hand and pushed a few strands of loose hair behind his ear with his dainty fingers. His eyes were half closed as if he hadn't slept in a long time, which I'm sure he hadn't."
"I slept enough..." Fyodor mumbled.
"Sure you did," Nikolai put an arm around Karma, seeing that he was struggling to keep his eyes open. "Anyways... uhm, I don't really remember what happened next..."
Fyodor closed his eyes, "you were staring at me for a very long time..."
"Oh, yeah," he smiled over at Karma who was barely awake, "Dos used to be super cute. I bet you can't imagine that."
Karma shrugged tiredly as he leaned onto Nikolai, "not really..."
"Ouch," the clown giggled, "he was very small and easy to tease back then. I guess that's why I liked him so much..."
Fyodor shifted his weight again, keeping quiet. He was rather curious as to how Nikolai perceived him and didn't want to interrupt.
Nikolai sighed before continuing, petting Karma's head as he spoke, "he was elegant, is how I would describe him. His eyes slowly looked up at me as he lowered his hand. He blinked at me with a curious expression and tilted his head slightly to his right..."
Once again, Fyodor was surprised and slightly disturbed by how vividly Nikolai remembered things...
"Then I told him, 'see? Don't you feel pretty?' He looked away, speaking softly, 'not really...' I said that he should, since I went through all that effort of convincing him to wear it. He shrugged and remarked that it didn't matter how he felt because no one else would see it. I put my hands on my hips, 'it matters. The whole point was to make you feel nice.'
"Dos looked at me in confusion and said that I wasn't making any sense. I laughed and lifted him into my arms saying, 'that isn't important! Your job as the damsel is just sit still and look pretty while I save you.' He never liked it when I held him so I always made it worse than it would have been. I jostled him around as much as possible to get him to hold onto me..."
Karma was nodding off, "that's kinda... is romantic the right word?... I don't know, I'm too tired..."
"I guess you could say it was... I just wanted him to... rely on me..." his eyes wandered over to Fyodor, "I guess I never really did get what I wanted..."
Fyodor was staring directly at the fire. Calm. Collected. Poised. Just as always.
Nikolai watched him, biting the inside of his cheek. Why wouldn't he say anything?
Nikolai squeezed Karma's shoulders, rubbing his arm, "do you want to get in bed?"
Karma shrugged, barely awake, "I don't know... you're pretty comfortable..."
Nikolai chuckled, "it's pretty late. And I have to leave tomorrow."
Karma clutched onto his clothes, "nooo... I don't want you to..."
Nikolai shook his head, "but I have to. You'll have to survive with boring old Sigma. Horrible, I know!"
Karma snorted, "he's not that bad... and... I don't think Dostoyevsky is ever going to rely on anyone..."
"I know haha, he's so cold and-"
"No... I think it's a problem..." Karma rubbed his eyes.
Dostoyevsky, for the first time anyone had ever seen, felt anxious. Even he didn't like these conversations. Even he was human, too. No matter how much he pretended he wasn't.
Karma stood up, trying to shake himself awake.
Nikolai pursed his lips, "I think it's bedtime."
Karma shook his head and moved over to Fyodor, "no, I want to keep talking..."
Fyodor looked up to him, "yes?"
Karma just crawled right up into his lap and laid down against him, "why can't you just trust people..."
Fyodor was leaning away. He had no idea what to do. He had zero experience with holding children.
"I know it's hard..." Karma spoke quietly, "it's really hard..."
Fyodor carefully placed his hand on top of Karma's head, "I know..."
"But having no one to trust is really stressful... it felt so nice last night when I realized I didn't have to be on guard anymore... I could finally relax... I was so happy..." his hands closed around Fyodor's clothes, "I want you to feel like that, too..."
Fyodor pet him, "I know you do... but it's dangerous for me..."
"I know Gogol's pretty weird and kinda scary, but Sigma's really nice... and he really cares about you..." Karma was fighting to stay awake. Fyodor was a lot less bony than he looked.
"I know he does..." he lowered his voice, putting his nose in Karma's hair and speaking very quiet, "but it isn't dangerous for me, it's dangerous for everyone else. Especially Gogol..."
Karma was going to ask why, but he got the feeling that he already knew... "Because of your ability...?"
Fyodor rubbed his head gently, "and I'm sure Gogol doesn't trust me, either. Even Sigma doesn't completely."
"But then... then you can't... you won't be able to..."
"It's alright, Karma. This is just how it is." Fyodor sat up.
"I don't want it to be..."
"Life is cruel, I'm sure you know that well," Fyodor moved to get Karma to let go.
"But here it isn't... things were finally good..."
Fyodor smiled sadly. He knew exactly how that felt. "You deserve so much more than this..."
Karma quietly mumbled something that made no sense, "I can't... I don't want... sleep?..."
Nikolai lifted Karma up and set him on his feet, "bed time..."
"Noooooo," Karma whined, his eyes shut tight.
"I'll let you sleep in my room again," Fyodor stood, "would that make you feel better?"
Karma nodded, "sorta..." He groggily looked up at Gogol.
"Sorry, I have to pack. And if I stayed the night with you guys I'd never get any sleep!"
Karma frowned, "you fell asleep first last night..."
"Hush, it's time to go to sleep," he picked Karma up in a reverse piggy-back carry. A piggy-front?
Fyodor followed Nikolai up the stairs and to his room where the taller man laid the boy down. Fyodor crawled into bed and sighed quietly.
Nikolai pat Karma's head after tucking him in. Then he kissed Karma's forehead, "sleep well."
Karma mumbled to himself.
Nikolai chuckled, "I'm gonna miss you..."
"I'm sure he'll miss you, too." Fyodor said with his eyes closed.
Nikolai smiled, "do you want a Goodnight kiss, too?"
Fyodor breathed out deeply, "not really..."
"Wow," Nikolai giggled, "You're so mean, Dos."
Fyodor opened his heavy eyes, "well, you are leaving soon..."
Nikolai rolled his eyes, "you and your strange answers." He leaned over and gave Fyodor a forehead kiss, too.
Fyodor closed his eyes again, "see you in the morning..."
"Technically it's already morning..."
"Go to bed, Gogol."
Nikolai chuckled as he left and closed the door.
Karma heaved a tired sigh, "now I'm kinda awake again..."
"Yeah, I walked up the stairs so I'm pretty awake, too... Though, I wasn't intending to sleep anyways."
Karma readjusted himself, "can you tell me another story? The... your voice is really nice..."
Fyodor smiled, "how about I tell you about the time I passed out outside?"
"That sounds exciting," Karma smiled tiredly, his eyes barely open.
"Well, as I said earlier, my memory isn't the greatest... but it was very hot that day so it was even riskier to be outside. Gogol begged me to stay. I don't even remember what it was for..." Fyodor paused, "oh, I should probably explain the reasons why I would pass out. Because I have anemia, I don't have enough of what my body needs to function. Imagine it like this, there's a machine that is supposed to light up and spin and sing all at once. If it's missing even one piece, it won't work. When I was young I didn't have any medications to help me, so I was missing a lot of pieces.
"And because I was missing so many pieces, I had to be careful with how I was feeling and where I was. If I got too stressed or I got scared I would risk fainting.
"So, it was really hot outside and Gogol was being, well, himself... you can imagine how stressful that was for me."
Karma nodded, "yeah..."
"And so I passed out at some point." Fyodor took a moment to think, "when I woke up Gogol had laid my head on his lap and was pressing a damp towel to my forehead. My head hurt terribly and I batted his hands away.
"He asked me quietly, sounding like he blamed himself, 'are you okay?... what happened?...' I closed my eyes and sighed, 'did I fall on something? I have a splitting headache.' 'No, I didn't let you fall. I told you I would catch you.'
"I tried to sit up but he pushed me back down, 'I think you might have a fever...' 'no, it's just hot outside...' I realized he had taken me into the shed. It was very stuffy and the air was thick. Plus, I didn't like the idea of being in an enclosed area with such a dangerous person. So, I tried to sit up again. This time he let me, 'I should apologize...'
"'Why?' I asked. 'Because it's my fault you fainted, right?...' I didn't say anything and he took it as a yes. He looked down at his knees, 'I only wanted you to spend more time with me...'
"I leaned against the wall as I got to my feet. I felt dizzy and was trying to keep my heart rate normal so I wouldn't pass out again. I frowned, realizing that I had to go force myself to eat something so I wouldn't pass out again.
"Gogol stood as he noticed my struggling, 'do you need help? Should I-'
"I held my hand out to stop him, 'just... stop talking for a minute...' my dizziness wasn't going away and I began to feel like puking. Gogol had no idea what to do, I'm sure. He put his hand against my shoulder, probably trying to somehow help me. I could tell he was even more stressed than I was. I was just waiting for my dizziness to fade away as I leaned on the wall. When I finally felt well enough to stand he instantly resumed his previous question, 'should I carry you?...'
"I shook my head, 'I'm okay, now. I can walk on my own...' He seemed sad, 'then how am I supposed to make it up to you?' I told him that he already apologized and it was mostly not his fault. He was adamant to pay me back and said so with his folded arms.
"I sighed and sat down again. I didn't feel like moving and was procrastinating on going out of the shed. I didn't want the direct sun on me, no matter how stuffy it was inside the little shed. It was then that I noticed that no one else was there. 'Where's everyone else?'
"'It's just passed eleven on a Sunday, they're not back yet.' I had the feeling he was lying to me. I didn't think it was Sunday yet... but I had always been bad with time and I saw no harm in believing him at the moment. He sat down in front of me, 'are you sure you aren't a monster or something?'
"I looked up at him. He stammered, 'I mean, because you don't like the sun... and you passed out...' 'How would that make me a monster?...' 'Well, because vampires hate the sun, and monsters only come out at night. And... what you can do...'
"I gave the door an angry look, diverting my anger at something that couldn't lash out, 'I'm not a monster.' He pursed his lips, 'okay... A-anyways, I thought of a way to apologize... I'll be nice this time, too.'
"I gave him a skeptical look, 'what is it?' He shifted on his knees nervously, 'you don't have to look at me like that... it's not like I'm going to do anything bad...' 'How should I know? You won't tell me.'
"He frowned, 'just, just trust me, okay?' He was asking for a lot, but I reluctantly sighed, 'fine.' He smiled, 'great.'
"... I was still worried, but it became apparent to me what he intended soon enough." Fyodor sighed, "Gogol never changes..."
"What'd he do?" Karma asked.
Fyodor heaved another tired sigh, "he kissed me... but he hadn't lied, he was being nicer than he had previously."
"Huh? You mean he'd kissed you before that, too?!" Karma raised his voice, though he was still sort of mumbling.
Fyodor nodded, "yes..."
"What do you mean he was being nicer?"
"Before, he was forceful and kind of violent," Fyodor explained slowly, "the time after I fainted he was... not."
"I think the word your looking for is 'gentle'," Karma noted.
"If that's what you would like to imagine..."
"If that isn't the right word, then what is?"
"... I suppose it works well enough..."
"See. I'm right." Karma pulled the blanket over his shoulders. "You just don't want to think of it that way. Continue."
"Hm..." Fyodor thought out loud, "I guess he also wasn't being as touchy as the previous times..."
"Times? Plural?" Karma opened one eye.
Fyodor nodded, "yes. Gogol had kissed me multiple times before this."
"What... So when was the first time?"
He shrugged, "I don't know."
Karma sighed, "I bet Gogol knows..."
"He probably does..." Fyodor nodded. "Mm... If I remember correctly he was mumbling to himself as he pulled away from me. I asked him what he had said and his face instantly got more red than it had been. He frantically said that he was just wondering why I hadn't tried to push him away.
"'Oh...' I realized I hadn't, 'probably because I'm tired...' He stared at my blank expression in disbelief, 'you shouldn't just let people kiss you just because you're tired. Geez, you really do need me to protect you.'
"'So, you're saying you don't want anyone else to kiss me?' 'Uhhhhhhhhhh,' Gogol grew more embarrassed. 'Of course I don't. I was your first, so- a-and, besides, it's dangerous!'
"I smiled and laughed on the inside. I knew for sure he liked me and wasn't just teasing for the fun of it. I hoped I could get back at him by holding this fact against him one day...
"'Anyways, you need to get back inside, right?' He stood up and extended his hand to me.
"I guess I just went back in the house and continued on with my day normally... Now that I think about it, I never really cared when he'd do things like that, unless he was being mean... I figured that there would never be a day when anyone would want to kiss me for real..."
"That's so sad..." Karma murmured.
Fyodor chuckled, "not really."
"Yeah it is... Gogol probably meant it every time he kissed you..."
"..."
Karma forced his eyes open, "you should give him more credit for how hard he tries... Oh, and, did it ever bother you that another boy was kissing you?"
Fyodor blinked, "uh... I believe it did at first... I was certain I'd be killed if my family ever saw him act like that towards me."
"But wouldn't it be his fault?..."
"Yes, but I had done enough to warrant my death... I was only still alive because of my age. If I weren't still so young I'm certain I would have been executed already."
Karma frowned.
"After a while, it didn't matter so much to me anymore. I had even brought it up to Gogol that he was being weird... He just seemed confused and asked me why it was wrong. 'That's just how I feel about you,' he said it so simply..."
"Dang, he was in love with you that long ago?... He must be really sad, having waited all those years..."
"Yes, but I think he came to terms with the fact that I can't feel the same," Fyodor closed his eyes.
"Cant'?"
Fyodor paused, "yes..."
"What does that mean?..."
Fyodor smiled tiredly as he put his hand on Karma's head, "it's hard to explain."
"But he loves you so much..." Karma sounded like he was about to cry.
"I know," he ruffled Karma's hair, "if I could do something about it, I would."
Karma buried his face in the covers, "it isn't fair..."
Fyodor smiled, "life itself isn't fair. We didn't ask to be born, did we?"
"Shh, let me pretend..." his voice was muffled.
"Okay, Goodnight," Fyodor chuckled.