Karma Is Baby

Extra: I'm Not Proud Of Myself

[ March 30-31 2022]

"You... want another story?..." Fyodor asked, his eyes flicking over to Sigma, who sat beside Karma on the couch.
Karma nodded enthusiastically from his spot on the living room loveseat.
Sigma tilted his head.
"Every time I've been in here with Dostoyevsky, he's told me a story!" Karma explained.
Sigma hesitantly looked over at Fyodor.
He sighed quietly, "that is... technically true..."
"Story time! Story time! Story time!" Karma chanted, trying to get Sigma to do it with him. Sigma just seemed confused.
Fyodor paused, "what kind of story do you want?..."
"What's the weirdest thing Gogol has ever done to you?!"
Both Fyodor and Sigma shared a horrified look before coughing and looking away nervously.
"It uh," Sigma cleared his throat, "isn't exactly kid friendly..."
"But I'm-"
"I have a similar story..." Fyodor decided to tell one that wasn't so bad.
"But-"
Sigma pat him on the head, "Gogol is... quite weird... and sugar makes it worse... he once ate a whole cake by himself... He wouldn't let go of Dostoyevsky no matter what..." He thought telling the general idea of the story wouldn't be harmful...
Karma folded his arms, "fine, don't tell me."
Sigma laughed nervously.
Fyodor paused, "Gogol and I sort of ran away around the age of fifteen or so... This was probably only a year or two after that...
"It was cold and the small apartment we were renting was shabby. The heater was broken, but I still huddled next to it, covered by a few blankets. Gogol returned from wherever he was to find me shivering. He quickly shut and locked the door before coming across the room and kneeling down next to me.
"He put a hand against my cheek to feel my temperature. He clicked his tongue as he caressed my face, 'come lay on the couch. It's probably warmer than the floor,' he said to me. I think I was too cold to speak. His brows pressed together as he seemed to debate. 'I have something to help you stay warm,' he lifted me up and transported me onto the couch, 'but I don't want you to yell at me...'
"I was already against whatever he might have brought me. I was further disappointed when he pulled a bottle from his cloak. I frowned deeply at him, clenching my jaw to keep my teeth from chattering.
"He held a hand up to stop me, 'just hear me out, okay? There aren't actually any laws against it and you're about minimum age, so...' I shook my head in response. He frowned, 'Fedya, I'm the oldest, so it's my job to take care of you by any means necessary. And if I say this is the only option, you're going to drink it.'
"Needless to say, I didn't appreciate being told what to do. Neither did I enjoy hearing my baby name come out of his mouth. Gogol sighed, seeing the defiant look on my face. 'I promise it isn't poisoned, okay?' He forced the top off and took a drink to prove it to me. I averted my eyes. I hated the idea of drinking alcohol... I didn't like what it did to people..."
Sigma was making small braids in Karma's hair and taking them apart continuously. Karma nodded, "I don't like it either..."
Fyodor smiled a little bit as he gazed into the fire, "Gogol never seemed to care... and it wasn't like he couldn't handle drinking. I don't think I've ever actually seen him drunk..." He looked over at Sigma as if asking, "have you?"
Sigma tilted his head as he thought, "I don't think I have, now that you mention it... Then again, we don't keep alcohol around anyways."
Fyodor readjusted himself before continuing with the story, "Uhm, he set the bottle down on a small table before turning to face me. He put his fists on his hips and stared down at me, 'you better not be angry at me. It's either this or alcohol. And if this doesn't work you'll have to drink anyways.'
"Of course I was immediately worried. I was already upset so I wasn't exactly happy with his vague explanation. He held his arms out and began to lean towards me. Realizing he was going to try and smother me into being warm, I wriggled my arms out of my cocoon to push him away. Instead of leaving me alone, Gogol actually opened the blankets around me and pushed me down. Well... maybe push isn't the right word... he wasn't being violent," Fyodor hummed for a moment, "but who knows if I'm even remembering this right?"
Sigma rolled his eyes with a smile as he started gently scratching Karma's scalp.
"Then... Gogol laid down on top of me, his cheek against my chest..." Fyodor, to the others' surprise, seemed reluctant to share. He actually looked a little uncomfortable.
Karma and Sigma shared a thought, "so Gogol's always been that touchy?"
"He threw the blankets over himself so we were both in them," Fyodor paused, "I remember being surprised by how warm he was... I could feel him breathing as he lay on me... It was... odd..."
Karma gave him a skeptical look, "odd?"
Fyodor hesitated, "Yes... odd..."
Karma tilted his head back to look at Sigma, who was behind him, "what adjective would you choose for this?"
"Hmm, probably 'daring'. I've always admired Gogol's courage to do things like that..."
"I'd describe it as being sorta lovey-dovey. I mean, you don't just force someone to cuddle with you like that," Karma said.
Sigma nodded, "I can see that. Though, I think Gogol has cuddled with everyone he knows at this point."
"Everyone?!"
Sigma shrugged, "he just loves to cuddle, I guess."
"Not everyone," Fyodor clarified, "I'm sure he hasn't done that with Ivan."
"Ah, yeah, probably not," Sigma leaned back.
Karma pursed his lips, "I keep hearing about this person... it sounds like Gogol hates him?..."
The two men nodded, Sigma speaking first, "yeah, they had a bit of a rivalry."
"About what?"
Fyodor cleared his throat quietly, "it was something silly, as always."
Sigma whispered, "they both liked Dostoyevsky."
"Ohhh," Karma nodded in understanding.
Fyodor took a moment to recall his knowledge before beginning to tell his story again, "well, so he laid over me and I did feel warmer, but I felt more claustrophobic than anything else. Gogol smiled bashfully, 'you know, I ran all the way back because I was worried you might freeze to death... I'm sorry we can't get the heater fixed yet... I promise I'm working on it.'
"It wasn't that I was ungrateful, I just didn't think I could talk without my lungs collapsing from his weight. But... He had most of his weight resting in his elbows, which were against the couch. This made me wonder why he chose to be on top of me... I came to the conclusion that it was because he didn't think I would let him hold me..."
"He was probably right," Karma butted in.
Fyodor sighed, "he was right... I didn't trust him that much..."
It was a minute before Fyodor continued, "it had just started to feel sleepy when Gogol sat up, releasing me from his embrace. I was surprised when he didn't look pleased with himself... I wondered if he actually cared about how I felt."
"He probably did," Karma stated.
Fyodor reluctantly nodded, "yes... he probably did... He pulled me up to sit and mumbled something I don't remember or didn't catch. He reached for the bottle and I grabbed his wrist. He looked at me with a nervous expression, 'Fedya, you can't drink it if it's not in your hands.' I gave him an upset stare as I spoke quietly, 'I know that.' He smiled with a bit of fear in his eyes as he tried to take his wrist back.
"I refused to release him and so he decided to stop resisting and instead get me to let go of my own volition. 'Fedya, I didn't think you wanted to hold my hand so badly.' I scowled, 'stop calling me that.' His eyes darted around the room, then he moved his hand and placed it against my face, 'you're still cold.'
"I threw his wrist away. I didn't want him touching me."
Karma was a bit surprised by how vicious Fyodor used to be towards Nikolai. Why hadn't Gogol un-fell-in-love with him if he were so mean? Then Karma had the sobering thought that Nikolai probably liked it.
Sigma seemed to have the same thought process as his hand hovered over Karma's head for a moment.
Fyodor took a breath in, "of course, Gogol didn't seem all that concerned by my mood and so he grabbed the bottle. I folded my arms, pulling the blanket farther around myself. He swished the bottle gently, 'I promise it's not that bad, Fedya. And it's not like someone can get drunk after just a glass.'
"I didn't mind it so much, I don't think. Maybe it was the fact that he had already put his mouth on the bottle that bothered me," Fyodor contemplated for a moment. "But, it didn't really matter what I wanted. I... I know Gogol was only trying to keep me from dying... but..."
"But???" Karma asked.
"Ah, well, I guess I just really didn't like him..." Fyodor shifted his weight. "And he kept calling me 'Fedya' when I asked him not to." He paused, "in Russian we have several names for ourselves. Fedya would be the equivalent to a nickname for a child with my name. I think Gogol was the only person who ever called me that... It bothered me..."
Karma leaned into Sigma, "your parents never called you that? You said it was a baby name."
Fyodor paused to think, "not that I can remember... Anyways, I didn't like it. I hadn't even given him permission to use my first name, so I felt a little violated.
"He held the bottle out to me and I just stared at him. He shook it a little bit, 'come on, you know you want to~'
"'I really don't,' I spoke slowly. I was trying not to... be uncivil towards him. After all, he was one of the only reasons I was still alive... but that's a story for another time." Fyodor waved off the subject and the fire moved almost perfectly in sync with his hand.
"Gogol persisted, tilting the bottle, 'it's going to spill if you don't drink it~' I turned up my nose, 'then you'll have to clean it up.' He frowned, 'would you just drink it, Fedya? I hate to have to force you.'
"I gave him a suspicious look, 'really? Because you sure seem to be enjoying yourself.' He pouted, 'I am not. You think I like making you angry?' I hesitated before responding, '... I wouldn't put it past you.'
"He just stared at me for a moment, 'okay, maybe sometimes I do, but- not right now.' My face contorted in disgust and I could see his regret for saying that. 'Just- just drink it!' Gogol held the bottle out to me again."
Fyodor was coming to the hardest part of the story to tell. He wasn't sure if he even could tell it properly. Karma and Sigma sat in their seats, patiently waiting.
Fyodor sighed quietly, "after a minute or so more of arguing, he became desperate and upset. 'Fine!' He exclaimed, 'if Fedya won't drink it himself, I'll just have to help him!' I pulled my arms out of my blankets, surprised by the determination in his voice.
"Gogol put a hand against my shoulder, 'don't you dare move or I'll squeeze the life outta you.' I froze. Gogol had never actually threatened me before..." Fyodor paused for a long moment.
Karma could have sworn that Fyodor's face was flushed, but maybe it was just the light from the fire...
"Then, Gogol took a swig from the bottle and straddled over me. He was gripping my shoulder hard and I remember opening my mouth to ask something stupid like 'what are you doing?'"
Fyodor sighed, "I really was quite stupid... The second I opened my mouth, Gogol's free hand-the one that used to hold the bottle-gripped my chin and forced me to look up at him. All I remember was seeing his eyes close as he drew close. My own widened as he pressed his mouth against mine. I-"
Fyodor decided that maybe that wasn't the best detail to share. This was one of the few moments he remembered especially vividly. And that was because it was traumatizing.
Karma's ears seemed to perk up and his eyes locked onto his substitute father, "Hm? Go on."
"Well, as you would assume, Gogol forced the liquid into my mouth."
"No, what were you going to say?"
Sigma bit his lip. He hadn't heard this story before but felt like Fyodor probably had a good reason for stopping himself.
Fyodor shifted again, "I... was surprised..."
Karma narrowed his eyes, "I didn't come here to listen to story time without all the details."
Fyodor looked at Sigma for help. Sigma only pursed his lips as he looked away.
Fyodor looked back at Karma, "it isn't anything important."
"You saying that makes me think it is."
He sighed quietly, "I was only going to say... that I think I may have made a- a sound, and it caused Gogol to flinch."
Karma moved his whole head to look over at Sigma. Sigma saw how wide Karma's eyes were and wasn't sure what he would say. Karma just slowly looked back at Fyodor, "continue."
Fyodor cleared his throat quietly, "after that, he pulled away from me. I was in utter shock, unable to really process what happened. 'S-see?' Gogol stuttered as his face grew red. I'm sure he had just realized what he had done. 'It- it isn't so bad, right?'
"I don't remember giving a response, but he nodded to himself and got up. I heard him rummaging around in the cupboards. When he returned he set a glass down on the table and poured the alcohol into it, 'you shouldn't need to drink too much...'
"He looked like he had gotten over himself, but he still seemed like he felt bad... I really don't know if I said anything at all. He turned to me with an anxious smile, 'you should really drink it before you get cold again...' Gogol seemed to notice something and he leaned towards me. Then he froze, apparently thinking better of whatever it was. He reached out and wiped his thumb across my chin, 'Fedya, you're so messy.' He said it quietly and not at all in the teasing way he had meant to."
Karma closed his hand tightly around Sigma's arm, "is that allowed..."
"What?" Sigma asked in confusion.
"I mean, they'd kissed so many times before, why was this time so surprising?"
"Dostoyevsky has no reason to lie," Sigma was completely confused.
Fyodor paused, "it had been... a long time since he had done something like that to me. After we were out of my family's house, he had stopped acting like he liked me so much... I don't know why."
Karma blinked, "wait, was that the end of the story?"
Fyodor nodded, "yes."
"What?!"
Sigma put a hand on his head, "calm down..."
"But I need MOREEE! What happened next?! Did you drink it?! Did he do anything else weird?!"
Fyodor blinked, "uh, no... I don't remember much else..."
Karma groaned, "but if Gogol stopped acting like he liked you, then how did the two of you ever fall in love?! I know when he first fell in love with you but when did you fall for him?!"
Karma went on and on and on...
Fyodor blinked, listing to Karma's endless questions. He hadn't looked at it from this angle...
"So." Karma took a deep breath, "how did you fall for Gogol?"
Fyodor blinked multiple times, just trying to process.
Sigma put his hands on Karma's head, "that's all... very nice... but I think it's time for bed..."
"But-"
Fyodor held up his hand, telling them both to be quiet. "Karma, I am unsure how to answer your question..."
"What?... but... but you have to love him, right? Otherwise, how would you tolerate him and be so patient with him? And- and what you did before he left yesterday-"
Fyodor's eyes drifted downwards, his hands folding over his crossed legs, "Karma..."
The child's eyes widened, "but..."
Fyodor felt uncomfortable having to say this, "I didn't do that because I... love him... I felt bad for him..."
"So you... just kissed him out of pity?..."
Fyodor nodded, "yes..."
"But... isn't that too cruel?..."
Fyodor shook his head, "I don't think so. For all he knows, I could very well love him. But the truth is I just don't feel for him the same as he does for me."
"But that can't be true," Karma said firmly.
"Why not?" Fyodor asked, his brows raising in curiosity.
Sigma grew restless, putting a hand on Karma's arm.
"Because why would you just let Gogol keep kissing you and touching you all the time? I wouldn't tolerate it if someone I didn't like kept doing that to me! I'd be very angry and probably yell at them to leave me alone! But you just sit there and let him!"
Fyodor sighed quietly, "Karma, I could risk everything if I make Gogol see me any differently..."
"So, what?! You hate him on the inside and just suffer through all he does?!" Karma's eyes were watery. This was pure cruelty! Shouldn't this be illegal?!
Fyodor was talking soothingly and a bit more quietly than before, trying to get Karma to calm down, "I don't hate Gogol... I don't harbor any sort of ill will towards him."
"Then why-"
"I don't think I ever 'fell in love' with Gogol," Fyodor continued as if no one were even listening, "I just... seemed to have always been fond of him..."
Karma stared. Just stared.
"Even though he's obsessed with killing me, I can't seem to hate him. What I feel certainly isn't love, it's more of a... peace treaty that's only half signed."
Karma stood up, pointing menacingly, excitement lighting up his face, "you can't say it's not love!"
"Why not? I'm sure I know my own feelings better than you do."
"Then why do you always blush when Gogol's being seriously romantic towards you?! Hmmm?!?!"
Fyodor was taken aback, "wouldn't anyone?"
"A- well- yes, but-"
"Then I don't see what love has to do with it."
Karma folded his arms, puffing out his cheeks, "just admit you love him."
"Karma," Fyodor began slowly, "have you ever been in love?"
Karma hesitated, "no, but I know what it looks like. It's painted all over Gogol's silly face whenever he looks at you."
Fyodor sighed, "I don't even know if that can be called love. Karma, Gogol is... ill..."
"Aren't we all?"
Fyodor pursed his lips, "good point, but-"
"Even if he is confused, I can't be mistaken! Right, Sigma?!"
Sigma froze, "please don't drag me into this..."
"I am!"
Sigma sighed heavily, "Gogol... he's complicated... I want to say he loves Dostoyevsky, but-"
"Is there even room for a 'but'?!"
Sigma bit his lip, "I... am unsure..."
"So I'm right? I'm right." Karma said firmly.
Fyodor hesitated, "Karma, I... really don't know how to explain this... Even if Gogol is in love with me, I could never feel the same."
"Why? Cause you're scared?" Karma stuck his tongue out.
"Because I simply can't."
Karma blinked, his arms falling at his sides, "what?... what do you mean?..."
Fyodor sighed and didn't speak for a long moment. The fire popped and cracked in anticipation.
"I cannot feel that way towards another person. I am... unable."
Karma's features were half obscured by the darkness in the room. His eyes flashed as he spoke, "I think you're scared."
Fyodor had a creeping feeling as he lifted his hands for his chin to rest on them, "what is there to be scared of?"
"You're scared of loosing the people you love." Karma moved forward again, "I don't know who you lost or how you lost them, but you don't want it to happen again. So you distance yourself from everyone else and you've convinced yourself that you cannot love people. You're just pretending so you can protect yourself from feeling that pain again."
. . .
Sigma couldn't see Fyodor from where he was, but he knew Fyodor must have a shocked expression.
Karma smiled bashfully, "but you took me in anyways. That shows that you can love, and that you even want to."
Fyodor put his hands back in his lap. The last thing he expected was to get a lecture on love from an orphaned child...
"And I bet you have a lot of love to give," Karma smiled wide, now right in front of Fyodor. He took his father figure's hands, "maybe you haven't fallen in love with Gogol yet because you won't let yourself. I promise it's not so bad."
"How would you know?..." Fyodor spoke in barely a whisper.
"Because I love you, and it hasn't been bad at all," he squeezed Fyodor's hands.
The demon had no words left. What could he say to this? Nothing, of course. It hardly made any sense. He half thought he was dreaming. But the other half knew he wasn't. He could feel Karma's tight grip on his fingers.
Fyodor slowly looked up to see Karma smiling at him proudly, "if you don't want to say it by yourself, I'll say it with you."
Fyodor found his lips trembling and his eyes filling. When was the last time he cried?... It seemed like lifetimes since he had last felt like this... It was... so refreshing. After all, this proved he wasn't heartless.
Fyodor squeezed Karma's small hands as they both spoke at the same time. A smile came onto the demon's face, "I love you."