Empty Crown

Slowly sinking

  I swallowed back my tears, as I was walking at a fast pace, not really realizing it, neither the place my feet were leading me too. I was too concentrated on my dark thoughts. I was planning on doing it, even if I didn't have the courage- or egoism- to actually do it. I really wanted to, feeling so empty that even my anger or my constant sadness had disappeared. Leaving the place for darkness and only one light of hope. One solution to end all of this. Part of me still knew that I was incapable of doing it and that I should probably talk to someone about it. I texted her. She didn't respond in the few minutes following, so I regretted it. I sent another message saying that she shouldn't mind about it, it was fine. No, it wasn't. But I didn't want her to regret anything if I actually get to do it. I knew of it was to feel powerless. Or worse, I didn't want her to regret not running to meet me and doing anything to convince me not doing it. Why did I send this in the first place?! It was so frustrating how my mind was divided. While I was mentally slapping myself; I didn't realize that I was arrived at my comfort place. It was simple, just some stairs descending in the water on the docks. In the middle of people loving each other and boats of different sizes. I tried to concentrate on the music resonating in my ears, but my mind wouldn't focus. I realized that finally got lost into my thoughts when I found msyelf blankly staring at a train passing on the bridge further on. After what seemed hours of tears stuck deep down in my throat, my phone vibrated.

  "I'm sorry; I was eating with my family. I'm going to do some homework outside. Do you want to join me?"

  It didn't take long to decide myself. After all, the thing I needed the most was certainly her presence. It was so comforting for me to have her around. So, I stood up and started to walk in direction of her house. I soon arrived at the garden on which her balcony overlooked. I saw her, sitting in the grass, a pen in her hand and a notebook on her knees. She looked so cute, concentrated on what she was going to write. She talked a bit, while I just lay down next to her. She was joking around, and I couldn't hold a little laugh at her anecdotes. Despite her warmth; I couldn't tell her what was wrong. I knew she saw I was down. But how much could she guess? After less than an hour together, the night had fallen and she had to go home. I didn't want to leave her, but I had no choice. So I said goodbye, telling myself that it was maybe the last time. I couldn't hold back my tears much longer. They rolled on my cheeks, one after one. It wasn't long, because I didn't have that much water in my body. I cried too much a few days ago. My capacity of crying ran out. I finally went home, finding everything at the exact same place as I left them. Of course, my mom didn't put away my dishes. She was probably angry for me leaving without saying anything after she lost her nerves talking to me. I cleaned all the mess and finally went to my room to do whatever I had to do, wanting to cry now more than never. Why was it so complicated? Maybe I could solve it.

A little text that was running through my head.

Hope you enjoyed it!

English isn't my mother language so do not hesitate to state anything that could help me to improve :)

Ange.