Lady bugs

I'm looking in the mirror and facing an 8 year old little girl which looks at me with big innocent eyes. She's smiling but her eyes are glassy, and she looks up at me questioningly. How did you come there? Her eyes seem to ask. All I ever wanted is to make this little girl happy and to stay loyal to her.

Most of the time I success in that. Sometimes I'm surprised by myself how I couldn't get influenced by my surroundings in any bad way. But my own worth is so important to me. It's hard to explain but my heart really wants to stay innocent and pure in the most possible way. I want my friends to be happy. I want my family to be healthy and to stay together so I can make sure nobody will ever feel alone. I want animals to live a pure and species-appropriate life. I just get so happy when I know I could help somebody. Whenever I am seeing a video of an animal treated badly, I get so angry. Sometimes I'm afraid I couldn't control my emotions in such a situation and do anything rash. I'm dreaming of rescuing terrified animals who just deserve the world. Only these thoughts make me cry.
This girl is loyal to the 8-year-old girl who rescues little ladybugs from drowning in the pool and I promise to her that this girl will always stay loyal!

But the other side of the girl sometimes disappears. The happy, carefree girl who jumps around the whole day and who is glad about seeing a butterfly. Don't get me wrong, I get happy about the tiniest things. My heart beats faster out of happiness if I see a family spending time together and having fun. I still love to rescue the lady bugs from drowning and to watch how they dry themselves only to start they wings and fly back into their life which they have almost lost – without even knowing that these little souls have been able to escape death.
But the careless girl is gone. It's replaced by some overthinking depressive and emotional thoughts. The owner of these thoughts can't control them and at times these overthinking thoughts overcome the girl in big storms. The storm comes up at her so suddenly and roughly that the girl can't to anything to stop the flood - so she drowns. Whenever this happens, she finds herself in the role of the drowning lady bug, hoping somebody will rescue her, like she always does.
Even she hopes for this hand, she is afraid of looking for it. In fact, she starts to dive deeper in the flood, trying to escape the storm from above. But further down, the light can't reach the water anymore. She starts to panic in the dark and looks for solutions. She knows that if she tries to swim back up to the light will be exhausting and people will ask her why she didn't just leave the water. And she starts questioning if the effort will be worth it or if it's easier to stop fighting.
Whenever this moment comes, she starts to see the 8 year old girl in the water and from this moment she knows that she can't disappoint her. It would simply break her and maybe she would then be gone forever. But I can't lose her. And that's why I can't be the girl who I described.

I need to reach out for my hand to rescue me. And in this point, I can proudly say that I don't only have one hand to help me, I even got four. Even if only one of these hands know that it keeps me from drowning, I am so thankful for all of them. Luckily the ladybug is now mostly rescued and right know its drying their wings and waiting until it's able to fly again.