Lucky

Raining Anger (1208)

Anger fuming out of her ears - leaving her nose and cheeks red - chest tight - stomach clenched.

And all the memories. Everything that happened - for nothing!

The pain - the loneliness - the suffering - the heartbreak.

All those scars deeply carved into her heart and skin. Red, raw, bold. For nothing.

Not being able to go home to her mother awaiting her.
Not being able to make new memories and spend more time with her.

And the house was quiet. If you thought that last time was quiet - then you couldn't even start imagining how quiet it was now.

Because at first the house was only empty - her mother wasn't here. She was going to come through. Someday. So it didn't feel all that empty.

But now she could feel the wind scratch the back of her neck as she walked through the place she once called home.

Footsteps echoing - eyes glistening a numb brown full of tears treating to spill.

She roamed the house for hours. Thoughts haunting her, memories clogging her mind. Hell she didn't even realize her mother was actually gone until she stepped into her mother's room.

It was clean as always. Tidy and elegant.

Pictures on her desk - mostly of well herself but there were one or two with Kate and her smiling at the camera.

Kate holding up cotton candy and grinning at the camera while her mother looked down at her smiling. That was a year ago. When they went to Disneyland.

And she hated it. There was this tight feeling in her chest that finally snapped - anger boiling over when she glanced at a picture from her mother - standing in an expensive dress in front of a new restaurant subtly smiling while holding her expensive as fuck purse.

And Kate found herself aggressively sobbing at a picture. Jaw thence - hate filling her eyes.

The second time she saw the picture was when she went to her mother's grave - four days ago she died and was buried because of course she did - she was rich.

Kate decided to go there while it rained because if she were to cry like a fucking baby it would be harder to see - plus there were fewer people around. She didn't want human interaction.

"I hate you." she said balling her fists. Finally standing in front of the grave.

A gorgeous looking stone - the most elegant around.

"I want to fucking hate you - so hard!" tears now threatened to spill down her face.

Yup - that was the breaking point. Why was she so emotional??

"BUT I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH - I CAN'T MAKE MYSELF HATE YOU!" she took a step trying to drown a sob. Jaw thence - feeling the veins in her neck throb an uncomfortable rhythm.

"AND I WANT TO SCREAM IT IN YOUR FACE AND TELL YOU HOW MUCH I HATE YOU - BUT I CAN'T. BECAUSE YOU DIED! YOU FUCKING DIED!" and she let out the sob she held back unable to control it any more.

Shoulders trembling - chest aching.

"ARE YOU HAPPY? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? I FUCKING HATE YOU! AND EVERY TIME I WISHED DEATH UPON YOU I WISHED IT UPON MYSELF TEN TIMES!" wind blew her hair away as the sky turned darker and darker.

"AND EVERY TIME I HUGGED YOU I WISHED IT WOULD STAY LIKE THIS FOREVER! AND EVERY TIME YOU HIT ME I THOUGHT IT WAS MY FAULT! THAT I DID SOMETHING WRONG! AND NOW I KNOW I DIDN'T. AND I KNOW YOU KNEW TOO. BUT I CAN'T SCREAM IN YOUR FUCKING FACE BECAUSE YOU FUCKING DIED ON ME!" she was screaming like some fucking idiot but she did not hive a shit. As if her mother's ghost would just fly around in this tragically depressive graveyard.

"YOU'RE DEAD!" she sobbed feeling her knees weaken.

"AND I ALWAYS THOUGHT I'D BE HAPPY WHEN YOU LET ME BE!" she said as she crashed to the ground feeling earthquakes rock her body.

"SO WHY DO I MISS YOU SO MUCH? WHY? HOW DO YOU HURT ME EVEN AFTER DEATH???"

Her hands finding their way into her hair and digging bloodied lines into her skull as she let out a scream.

Knees weak - shoulders shaking - she wrapped her arms around her chest wanting nothing more than this pain to stop.

And she screamed and sobbed and trashed and whined.

Tears streaming down her face like a waterfall. A tennis ball stuck in her chest - stopping her lungs from filling with oxygen. It pressed and squeeze and hurt. Pulling cry after cry, screams and sobs as the air hung sticky and heavy around her.

The rain hitting her back actually hurting as she sunk deeper and deeper into the mud surrounding her.

Empty - her heart was empty. And broken and gone. Everyone found a way to take a piece of it and never bring it back.

And she watched them smash it in thousands of little shards - getting lost beneath the ground.

Like her mother's corpse was right now - six feet under getting eaten by worms and slugs.

Kate wasn't a kid - she was an orphan.

She found herself in her mother's bed that night.

Curled up on her self - clawing at her ears - twisting the sheets and burying herself into them.

The scent of her mother's perfume still lingering underneath.

No more memories to make - no more Christmases, birthdays, mother's days, Easter.

No more movie nights, no more rich people parties, no more game nights.

Because her mother was dead. She was gone. And nothing in the world could bring her back.

Fresh food being made while her mother sat next to the cook and drank wine - the sweet smell of baked goods her mother would always buy...

She never wanted making them though. It was as if she only spent time with Kate whenever she wanted to - not when Kate needed her.

But it didn't matter now. Because she was dead. Collateral damage.

And Kate screamed sobs of hurt and agony - turning to pain and scars.

She didn't know when she stopped crying because of the now empty spot in her heart and started screaming because of the actual pain her body was in.

The tightness in her chest - pounding in her head.

Hell - she found herself craving what she always despised. The burning in her cheek - the purple turning yellow on her back and ribs. The verbal daggers that stabbed her in the gut.

She was finally free. From the hurt - the words - the pain. So why did her mother's death bring even more fuel to the flame?

She lost the people she considered parents a long time ago. Either because they were just not her parents or they didn't want her around.

Clint when he stopped calling.

Eleanor when she went to prison.

Jack when he took all the swords and disappeared leaving a note: I am sorry sweetie but I don't think I am the father you deserve.

Derek when he fucking died.

Laura will probably stop calling too - when she find out about how fucked up Kate is.

And Kate would be alone. Only Lucky on her side.

She was too blind to see that it had already happened.

Hope dies last they say.

But it still dies.