Untitled Feeling

I'm Insecure

The way he hung her bag on his broad shoulder. Making me feel something. It wasn't that big and heavy for her to not carry it. It was just a bag, reminded myself.

Nobody told me that they are friends. He has lots of friends, girls and boys. Not intelligent yet answered all my teachers questions. Active in class. Our former Mayor and now our Vice Mayor. I was never attracted to him.

Starting 2020-2021, I never look at him. Never felt something. Seeing him personally after years being online class. His height shocked me. Tall man, great body and unique him.

The way his eyes met mine. I'm feeling sensitive. Something is wrong with me, and that's perfectly a crime.

I never wanted to put on this position. Watching him walked in front of the class, performed his project. And all I can say is that even his works are all art of Gods. I can't take of my smile on my face. Seconds passed; my breath hitched. His eyes met mine. That moment that no one can change. Move his to others.

Still continued to smile like others does.

I know he felt me. At first, I was pretty annoyed being put on back. Sitting there, far away from the screen and I can't see what's on it. But all i know now is that it is a God gift. Seeing him move, write on his notes, scratch the back of his head, pen on his polo pocket.

And now I know, I find him attractive.

Looked in the door morning, I know I heard his voice. He was with bunch people again. A girl bag on his shoulder and called her. His long hand giving it to her. I saw him hug it like that bag is just so precious.

And I know something on me stolen.

Looking away. Don't want to see that. He entered the room while me looking at my big notebook. Writing things that are unnecessary. Playing cool for now. Seated near the fan and let his self be fresh from the air given by it.

And I know his eyes looking everywhere and surely in the back. Everytime the class will stop and be given to another subject. He'll go to the restroom like he needs it. And I'll do the same thing too.

Too many rooms to reach the door for our restroom. Walking in the hallway while my eyes are on his back. His face we're looking straight, like a damn king.

And I like him so much.

But I don't have plan to say that.

I just wanna stay here and watch him.

Leaving me here in front of school and the student line is far from the main gate. Walking at the back of the girl and looked for my I.D. The line is moving like the turtles, and I saw him. Falling into the boys line. Shifted my eyes in front acted like I didn't saw him.

The line moves, and now I'm here to scan my I.D. The simple ways of him it drives me crazy. Like a girl lost in her own memory. And I can't stop flashing the moment every time our eyes would met like in chance.

Saw him walking when I'm standing there at the accountancy front door waiting for my friend. Saw him pacing back in fort in front of faculty room. Another day, wiping his sweat with his handkerchief. And all of that, I saw them perfectly.

In house, seated on my own working place. Laptop on my table while my feet is cross. Music is on repeat. My tongue use to rhyme music and on my mind I'm in front of my classmates singing my songs that I like. I can't sing with this lots of people, not just because I'm scared, my voice is also not that great. Even storms will come just to stop me doing it.

My friend and I walked towards the registrar office. Entered there and saw a lot of students. My nerve didn't stop working this days. Her eyes welcomed me. Maybe all the blood on my body left me. She is beautiful and every one would agree. Her eyes seems in good condition. But it didn't stop there. In her hands is a familiar hair. Reflection of that man in front of the cubicle mirrored screen.

With his friends. And I'm with my friends walked in the corner, I'm new here and didn't know everyone just my classmates. My friend stood by my side and walked to them and talks something. My eyes roamed the room. A tall board in my back, my hands on my thigh and close mouth.

Heard them laughing. While her hands on his hair like a cool lovers. Smiled bitterly. Whatever it is, words on my mind kept telling me to get out here.

Went out of our room. Given by 5 minutes to break. As i passed our own door my eyes looks for next room and saw her looking directly at the door and met my eyes. My feet never stop walking, pass their room quietly.

Inside of the cubicle room. All i think about is that, I knew now why he do go out everytime. Smiling sweetly while inside of me crushing. Maybe that time she's waiting for him to get out of our room. He can walk pass by their room so that maybe a little robbery of moment they cherish.

The school hours is done. Our secretary and her friend we're having a good walk and I tag along. Leaving the building walking towards the right path. She says, look at that man they dating again. Shifted my eyes on the side. They are seated on bench, looking at us. Didn't last long there.

Go home, seated in front of my laptop. I look thrice at the mirror. Trying to mesmerize myself and asking If I'm thrice prettier than her. Her hair has large waves, paler than me, shining more. And now I feel crazy.

A tear slides down on my left cheek. I felt sad, anything I have is nothing. I don't even participate in school. Even in recitation.

And all I want to ask is;

When will you look at me? When will you smile at me?

And If I'm her;

Will you grabbed my bag and hung it on your broad shoulder? And give it back when we're at our room? Will you sit beside me at the bench near the school gate?

Will you wait for me when I have something on the registrar? Will you let me caress your hair while you're sitting and talking with your friend?

Even in the mirror in front of the accountancy, will you look at my reflection?

If yes, then I will be always drunk on this pain. Forever and ever.