The Addicting Affair

12.

December

Jordan's POV
December has never felt so cold, yet comforting to me.

The bright lights everywhere; all the smiles of New York City gave me more hope than ever.

Ninety days.

Ninety days sober today.

The failed suicide attempt managed to change my life, for the better. Missed my heart by half a centimeter. My neighbor Juliette—whom I'm now great friends with—heard the gunshot and called 911.

She saved my life. I would have bled out alone on that bathroom floor if it wasn't for her.

She recognized the loud noise.  She had just lost her husband to suicide, a few months before moving out here. We've been there for one another these past few months, it's nice to be heard for once. To have my feelings be validated, to have someone actually show me that they care.

I know what you're thinking, have I moved on?

No.

Not one bit. I don't think I ever will if I'm being honest.  I don't know how I could move on.

I'm trying to ignore the fact that this is a trip Valerie and I dreamed of; visiting New York City during the holidays, more specifically Christmas. We hoped to spend the trip with our future kids here someday.

Kind of ironic I'm staying in the same hotel room we slept in almost two years ago, before everything went downhill.

I find it insane, that even after she placed a restraining order against me, and one for Isabella, I still fucking love her.

I love her, with every piece and ounce of my being. It never left, not once, even after all this time that has passed.

She used my addiction towards alcohol and past episode of aggression against me, the judge was on her side.

But, that's fine. Perhaps it's what is best.

But, I am a changed person now. I hope that if I showed Valerie how much help I've gotten, show her that I can live a sober life, she would welcome me back.

It'll take us some time to work our problems out, and I know I'm not worthy of her love just yet; but I would do anything to get it all back.

If I can just show her I can be enough for her to love. Show her that we can make it work.

I wonder, would she love me now? 

I walk along the pavement, small snowflakes falling from the sky.

Life seems beautiful now, I can live without the substances. I can live somewhat a normal and stable life, finally.

I look ahead at the view, admiring it in all of its light.  I may be spending Christmas alone this year, wishing my family was here, but I still have myself at the end of the day.  I still have my hope and faith that someday, everything will fall back in its place. 

I see the families around the town square, their smiles as the lights on the Christmas tree shined through the dark cold night.  The bright moon hiding behind the cloudy sky. 

I know one day, I'll have the family I want.  A family full of love and support, and a marriage where we're both happy. 

Right person, wrong time.  I just need to be patient with what fate has set for me.

I look down at my feet, the floor lightly covered with a layer of snow now. 

I heard on the news that a bad storm could happen tonight.